100 Missions
by LilyRosetheDreamer
Summary: Sometimes, the members of TF2 have serious days. But most of the time, they're all just ruining the Administrator's front lawn and getting into so many scrapes, it's a miracle they survive. Presenting my 100 one shots, where ANYTHING could happen.
1. Chapter 1

**100 Missions Challenge.**

Yes, this is a self-made challenge to make 100 one-shots based on TF2 and their hijinks! I will have my own RED and BLU teams, as well as the canon originals, and there'll be a mix of laughs and sorrow.

Disclaimer: I don't own TF2. If I did, I would have WAY more time to be on here.

* * *

><p>1st Objective: Battlefield.<p>

Before I go on, here are the names and brief descriptions of RED. BLU will be in Mission Objective 2.

**Bryn Jones (Sniper): A carefree man from Wales, Britain, he can often be found napping – he'll do it anywhere. He was even caught napping in a trash can once. Likes his solitude and is occasionally used as a doorstop – literally.**

**Felix Paris (Spy): A quiet, withdrawn character who won't speak unless he has to and who the team subsequently turn to when things get out of hand – which happens a lot. This long-suffering Spy tends to see his therapist often as a result. His one weakness is baby animals of any description.**

**Pippin "Pip" Fox (Scout): A hyperactive young Scout who runs all over the place practically non-stop. Loves his Momma to bits and tends to be clumsy, causing much unintended mayhem.**

**Lance Corporal (Soldier): Is surprisingly peaceful, tending to talk down (or rant at) his foes, making them surrender just to shut him up. His favourite past time is rapping insults at the BLU Demoman. Always one-sided as Demo is always drunk and unresponsive.**

**Guy McNabbin (Demoman): This Demoman is vastly different to many others in one way – he doesn't drink. At all. As such, whenever he attends the regular Demoman conventions held every year, he finds himself the subject of everyone's confusion and gossip. Has a habit of sleep walking and talking – once slept walked into Engineer's workshop and proceeded to read them a bedtime story. Engie was pleased.**

**Dustin "Dusty" Houston (Engineer): You thought Engineers loved their sentries? This one is OBSSESSED. He never leaves his workshop and he screams every time someone goes near any of his machines in battle. This makes it rather awkward when someone wants to use a dispenser. Loves cookies.**

**Oliver Phoenix (Pyro): Pyro found the "hide under your mask" rule stupid – so he took it off. Everyone knows his face and he is very friendly. He's made it his mission to befriend Felix, with hilarious results at times. Likes to watch rainbows.**

**Adrik Pigoffski (Heavy): This Heavy redefined the word 'stupid'. He doesn't think about much apart from his gun, Sasha, and many of the mishaps the team goes through are his fault. Still, he is kind and once rescued a stray kitten from a tree and gave it to Felix. Needless to say, he won his loyalty.**

**Jasper Hans (Medic): Being the guy who invented the Ubercharge immediately tells people that he is slightly crazy. He has made people cry by unleashing Freudian psychology on them (when in reality, he's only trying to help) and is Heavy's best friend. He is the only one out of the team to have a wife.**

* * *

><p>The battlefield.<p>

A big place – plenty of room for the Scouts to run wild and free with reckless abandon, great little nooks and crannies for Spies to recharge their cloaks and/or hide, even better perches and nests for Snipers to pick off the unsuspecting enemy and generally a place for the rest of the classes to go completely berserk with Sentries, grenade launchers and rockets etc.

It certainly wasn't a place for two Pyros to be socialising…somehow.

_(I mean, how do they understand each other under those things anyway and -)_

**BANG.**

As I was saying, this particular battleground going by the name of Gorge definitely wasn't a place to slip up on either. One wrong move and you could be falling to a very painful and embarrassing death, what with the giant cliffs and looming rocky outcrops.

This didn't seem to bother the two Pyros however.

"Hudda!"

"Hurro!"

Lots of cheerful waving.

"Hudda huh woo?"

"Um geet!"

A happy thumbs up under two big gloved hands.

"Hooray!"

While this exchange was taking place behind a grey rock, it hadn't gone unnoticed.

"The bloody…?"

The RED team's Sniper, Bryn Jones, seemed beyond confused as he peered through his rifle scope at the two Pyros chatting in muffled voices to each other. As he surveyed the slightly wasted landscape, he spotted the BLU Sniper staring through his scope at the two Pyros as well. Cautiously, Bryn waved. The other waved back and pointed at the Pyros in confusion, Bryn shrugging in response.

There was an awkward silence.

That silence was broken by the clinking of teacups as the Pyros sat down and arranged their picnic rug. They were having a tea party.

"Ooo, I love tea parties! Can we join in, mate?" the BLU Sniper squealed, dropping his gun and waving madly at the firestarters. They seemed happy for anyone to join them as they beckoned him down.

Bryn shrugged again and shouldered his sniper rifle – at least he could sneak in a nap.

Five minutes later, the RED Heavy wandered in on their fun and saw with great glee that they had sandwiches.

"SANDVICH MAKE HEAVY STRONG! JOIN YOU?"

The quartet (minus Bryn who was curled up on top of the picnic basket asleep) looked at each other and gave the affirmative. And so, Adrik joined the party as well.

Pretty soon, nearly everyone had entered the tea party in one way or another. Lance had gone in claiming diplomatic immunity on behalf of America and the BLU Spy had literally dropped in. Now they were discussing the finer points of literature.

"HEAVY LIKE DR SEUSS!"

All apart from Felix, the RED Spy. He was on his way to see his therapist after turning the corner and seeing the madness in front of him. He was going to claim hallucination.

Apparently battlefields were also places that gathered both sides together for the sake of peace treaties.

Mission Complete.

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><p>Hope this was okay. R&amp;R!<p>

Love Lily. X


	2. Chapter 2

**100 Missions Challenge.**

The craziness will REALLY get under way now! R&R.

* * *

><p>2nd Objective: Intelligence.<p>

Before I go on, here are the BLU descriptions I promised you.

**Joey Osbourne (Sniper): A serious yet sarcastic man from Australia, this guy represents epic snipers everywhere. However, mention the word "tea party" and all that will fly out the window: turning him into an excitable little girl. He lives in fear of Saxton Hale finding out this secret.**

**Emmett Bleu (Spy): The opposite to Felix, Emmett spends his days alternating his routine between joyful pranking with reckless abandon and reckless socialising with joyful abandon. He is best friends with his Pyro, who is second in rank of friendliness. He is also a handsome rogue with the ladies.**

**Chazz Patch (Pyro): The funny thing about this Pyro is that he is really bad at his job for one reason: he is terrified of fire. Thus, this little guy can often be found poking his flamethrower warily and firmly keeping his mask on for fear of facial burns. Is Emmett's partner in crime.**

**Harry Brooklyn (Engineer): A calm, fatherly man who, along with his Medic, likes to take care of his team. He often has to be strict but fair and his speciality is making great steaks, making him a firm favourite with Soldier.**

**Elias Franz (Medic): If Engineer is the strict father, then Elias is the indulgent, softy mother. Cut your hand? Elias will be more than happy to give you a Batman plaster and send you on your proud way with a lollipop and an "I was brave." sticker. He's shy but determined to do well for the team.**

**Damon Karakoffski (Heavy): The opposite to Adrik, Damon possesses vast quantities of intelligence and is often found teaching Elias English. He observes the RED Heavy with an expression that is torn between amusement and despair for Heavies everywhere and his secret hobby is knitting.**

**Scotland Yard (Demoman): His mother was so proud of her roots that she named him after the very country he was born in. Coupled together with his last name, he often confuses himself with the London police force of the same name when drunk (which is nearly all the time). Many people flock to him for his "detective expertise" – with often disastrous results.**

**Jane Doe (Soldier): While many of the BLU Soldiers use this name as an alias, this one is ashamed to admit that this is his actual name as his mother thought he was a girl when first born. He makes his team-mates call him either "Sarge" or "Solly" and his love of meat has led to many animals fleeing on sight.**

**Seth Haraway (Scout): He may have heaps of boundless energy…but he does nothing outside of battle (it's a push to get him to do anything IN battle either). Meet the laziest Scout to have ever existed. Not even baseball can make him move his ass and tends to miss many of his team's adventures due to his motto; "Can't be bothered to move, see you guys later."**

* * *

><p>All was quiet in Gorge that fine summer's day. The sun was shining merrily, Seth was lazing about in front of the TV, the birds chirped like an annoying choir and Bryn napped underneath his camper van. The breeze cooled what would have been a boiling hot day and the green grass (what remained of course) waved at the random half-heartedly built RED base and the concrete, safe BLU base.<p>

Unfortunately, this peace was soon to be shattered in a violent way.

Adrik the RED Heavy was bored. And when he was bored out of his skull, bad things tended to happen. On this particular day, Heavy was pondering one thing.

"WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF HEAVY SAT IN CART AND RODE IT ON TRACK?" he wondered loudly and causing the nearby Emmett to jump into a large, empty box.

The cart he was referring to was the Payload Bomb cart. Right now, it was empty and had no "present" in it from BLU. A long track wove its way around Gorge and it looked like a big rollercoaster.

This is what Adrik had in mind.

Uh oh.

Damon watched curiously from his bedroom window as Adrik tested his weight gingerly before plonking himself into the cart.

"Oh nyet…"

"Something wrong?" Elias asked, trying out his English to communicate with his heavy friend.

"Da, look." Damon replied with a groan and pointed at Adrik, who was now trying to get the stubborn cart to move forward by rocking back and forth.

"Nein, a fit!" Elias cried and before Damon could stop him, the little BLU Medic had rushed outside, coat flapping behind him comically.

"LEETLE MEDIC, PUSH ME!" Adrik yelped as Elias reached him and the Medic nodded naively.

"Okay!"

One huge push and Adrik was off!

"YEAH!"

"NYET!" yelled Damon, setting off at a run behind the cart.

Elias watched him leave in bewilderment.

"He told me push."

The cart trundled along, the RED Heavy holding on tightly and yelling out his enjoyment. All of that changed a few moments later when the cart came to a hill. It slowed down drastically…then hit full speed as it descended. Adrik took that incident to realise that this wooden cart only had two things wrong with it – minor troubles really. One; it had no brakes.

Two…it was highly flammable and explodable.

"AAAAAAAHHH!"

Damon heard Adrik's cry of fear and knew there was only one way to catch up to him now.

"SOLDIER!"

Somehow, this war-like plea travelled far and wide, stopping at Solly's ear. That man could hear a battle summons from Japan, let alone the exercise room.

"To the War Mobile!" he cried and set off at a hearty run, humming the Batman song loudly. Apparently, the "War Mobile" referred to his own two legs.

"CHARGE! Nanananananananananana, Baaatman!"

Arriving at Damon's side, Jane Doe squinted at him from under his helmet.

"What is it, maggot?"

Damon looked at him and the Russian flag rose out of the ground behind him as a curious glint appeared in his eye. Solly didn't bother to ask where it came from – the flag, not the glint.

"We are going to do something dangerous."

Soldier grinned wickedly.

"I'm listening."

* * *

><p>A minute or two later, the two hapless BLUs were chasing the dumb RED on a rocket launcher.<p>

Don't ask me how.

_But how - ?_

I SAID DON'T ASK ME!

Ahem…

"I'M COMING FOR YOU!"

"I NOT LIKE THIS ANYMORE!" Adrik screamed back frantically and the threesome spotted the looming cliff as they continued to accelerate.

"OH NOOO!"

"THIS IS BAD!"

Solly whooped and gripped the flying rocket launcher tightly.

"We die as real men, boys!"

With a crash, the cart and rocket launched through the fence and off the cliff in slow motion.

It was epic.

Somehow, Damon managed to reach out and grab on to the cliff edge (these are TF2 men, they can do anything!) and all three men dangled helplessly on to each other as they watched their vehicles spiral into a fiery explosion.

Brave Solly knew instantly what to do in situations like this as he had fought in many wars including 'Nam, WW2, Star Wars –

"Woah, woah! You're definitely exaggeratin' now!" Seth demanded vigorously as the two teams mingled to hear the story in the aftermath. "What REALLY happened?"

Grumbling, Solly let Damon finish the story.

Damon actually watched Solly cry heartily at the loss of his precious launcher (creatively named Rocket) and Adrik peed his pants in fear. The fiery explosion wasn't done yet and ripped a blazing path towards them.

"Oh f - !"

It hit.

"AAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!" The three full-grown men screamed like little girls as they soared off into the distance, flying at the speed of light.

The BLU Demoman, Scotland, gaped at them in a drunken wonder as they flew by.

"Ah'm drunk!" he exclaimed to nobody in particular, then fell asleep, snoring very loudly.

The three men's faces ended up plastered against RED Medic's window, all of them moaning his name in pain before sliding down with a squeak of skin against glass.

"And THAT is what happened." Damon exclaimed, smiling at the silent mercenaries.

"I am NEVER healing you dummkopfs again." Jasper groaned and put a gloved hand to his forehead with a big slap.

"LET US DO IT AGAIN!" Adrik suddenly bellowed and everyone stared as the Heavy gleefully ran to find another cart.

"Ack…schweinhund." Jasper growled as the other mercenaries screamed at him to stop.

Mission Objective 2: Completed.

* * *

><p>Another chapter done. A series of sketches next!<p>

Love Lily. X


	3. Chapter 3

**100 Missions Challenge.**

Monty Python is one of themes inspiring this. Enjoy!

* * *

><p><strong>FYI, I am French.<strong>

(The scene opens on to a French city. The RED Scout wanders down a cobbled street, looking baffled at a French dictionary. Finally, he slams it shut.)

"Aw, screw it."

(He suddenly spots the BLU Spy strolling down the street, looking relaxed and grins.)

"Ah cool, HE'S French. They always wear balaclavas."

(Hurrying forward, he politely stops the man.)

"Uh, 'scuse me. You speak English?"

(The BLU Spy stares at him for a long time, then says one word.)

"Oui."

"Oops sorry, didn't realise you were Spanish. Won't bother ya again."

(Scout leaves, leaving BLU Spy incredibly confused.)

"Quoi?"

* * *

><p><strong>The Living Father Sketch.<strong>

(The scene opens at an undertaker's, the RED Medic whistling the Funeral March as he sorts through limbs and wrappings. Sneaking a look around, he pockets a wallet. Suddenly, there is a commotion outside and RED Medic looks round in surprise as BLU Sniper slams the door open and stomps over to him.)

"I'm 'ere for my father."

(RED Medic is bewildered.)

"Have we taken in another senile?"

"Wha-No! My dad called me on your phone number and told me he was alive in a coffin!"

(Medic becomes nervous.)

"Oh, I assure you; he's quite dead."

(There is a banging from a brown coffin in the corner.)

"I'm not dead."

(BLU Sniper turns to Medic.)

"See? He says he's not dead!"

"Oh, that's just our heating. It's so irritating."

"I don't believe this."

(Sniper irritably crosses over to the coffin and flings it open.)

"He's. Alive. We sent him to you because you REASSURED us that he'd kicked the bucket! Look at 'im!"

(The dad sits up and waves.)

"Hello!"

"Oh, he's definitely dead. Have you seen the colour of his skin?"

(Medic pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose professionally.)

"He's always looked like that!"

"Thanks son."

(Medic looks serious.)

"Didn't you know that corpses go through a period of reanimation before they're buried? It's the natural cycle. You die, wiggle about a bit, then get put six feet under."

(Sniper looks outraged.)

"That's ridiculous! He's clearly alive! He's alive and kicking, running the race, breathing deeply, still on this plane, holding on, acting out the play of life, refusing to give up, marching to his heartbeat, dancing the tango, looking alive, lively, animated…I can't think of anymore terms to prove to you that the man lives!"

(Medic sighs.)

"One of my assistants must be playing 'Puppets' again. Come out from there!"

"I think I'll go for a walk!"

"No you won't – you're staying there!"

(Sniper grabs his dad and glares at Medic.)

"Roight, I have had just about enough of this! We're off!"

(They leave quickly and Medic sits down, shaking his head sadly.)

"We can never keep our customers…or our bodies."

(A banging is heard from another coffin and he thumps it in annoyance.)

"Oh, shut up. Stupid zombies."

* * *

><p><strong>"We're Canadians." Sketch.<strong>

(Two Soldiers, RED and BLU, are making their way down an Australian city street and heading for a plain-looking grocery stand. The BLU Sniper is standing next to it, waiting for customers. They stop by it and he greets them.)

"G'day mates! Can I get ya some right nice apples and kiwis?"

"Hey man, we'd really like some apples and…I think we'll take oranges as well."

"Yeah, oranges."

(The two clearly have Canadian accents and the Sniper frowns.)

"Aw great, bloody Americans. You here to blow up my stand or something?"

(The Soldiers make hand gestures, one making the hands look like a turtle and the other wiggling his fingers up and down crazily. The Sniper is angry.)

"I didn't set this stand up to be insulted with rude hand gestures!"

(RED Soldier looks serious.)

"Then you shouldn't have insulted US! We may be Canadians, but we're people. Anyone with ethnic minority is a person. That guy over there is a person."

(A Heavy with a cap on waves stupidly.)

"I'm a person, you're a person. And we deserve to be treated…like a person."

(The Sniper considers this, then scoffs.)

"Hmmm…yeah maybe. At least I'm not a bunch of gun-wielding maniacs who like their bombs a little bit too much!"

(The BLU Soldier speaks up.)

"Oh no, that's America. We're Canadians."

"But I thought…about the cowboys and Indians and – ."

"No, they're Americans."

(The Sniper becomes ashamed.)

"Oh no, mates…I confused you with Americans. I'm really sorry."

"Oh naw, that's okay."

"Yeah. I mean…"

(Here RED Soldier puts on an American accent.)

"They're all like; 'Dude, where's my car?' And we're all like, 'Dude, where's my car?' You know?"

(The Sniper looks confused because the two accents sound pretty much the same.)

(Then BLU Heavy leaps into the scene, screaming and making them all run away.)

"And now for something completely different."

Mission Objective 3: Completed.

* * *

><p>The AN at the end of every chapter!

I forgot to do a disclaimer at the beginning so I do not own Monty Python, Flight of the Conchords or TF2. I just shamelessly combined their ideas together and will probably get mercilessly sued by Phoenix Wright any day now.

Anyway, I am thinking of doing another chapter with sketches along the way of completing this challenge, so if you could kindly give me a few ideas, I would be delighted to act upon them. X R&R.


	4. Chapter 4

**100 Missions.**

Hiya everyone! It's your average, friendly neighbourhood fanfic author here and tonight at eleven…DOOOOOOOOMMM!

Joking, we're perfectly safe, I assure you. Anyhoo, it's MUSICAL TIME at Team Fortress 2 and expect lovely singing all round, even from Demoman! Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Don't own Disney, Flight of the Conchords or any other artists I may use.

* * *

><p>Mission Objective 4: Singing in the Yellow Rain or Team Fortress: A Musical!<p>

The RED Medic's eyes cracked open and the sunlight momentarily blinded him.

"Ack! SHTUPID SUNSHINE!" he yelled and threw a rock hidden under his floorboards out of the window at the sun, intent on revenge. He had forgotten to take the distance of the sun from the Earth into consideration however and was left with a pretty rock-shaped hole in the glass. It went really well with the lack of carpet.

"Bah…humbug." Said the Medic after a short pause of realising that he had to fix his floorboards as well and got unwillingly out of bed.

Suddenly, something strange and terrifying, yet oddly pleasant happened.

Jasper got the urge to sing.

"Oh mein gott…I feel all tingly!"

Then the music for Walking on Sunshine blared from some invisible speakers as Jasper whipped his head round wildly, dancing like a homicidal maniac (oh wait…he IS one of those) before bursting into cheerful song.

_**I used to think maybe you loved me,**_

_**Now baby I'm suuuure.**_

_**And I just can't vait for the day,**_

_**Vhen you knock on my doooooor!**_

_**I'm valking on sunshine, woah!**_

_**I'm valking on sunshine, woah!**_

_**I'm valking on sunshine,**_

_**And don't it feel good?**_

Suddenly, the sound of banging resonated through the bedroom.

"Doc, what're you DOING in there?" Soldier's voice yelled out and Medic straightened up as if nothing had happened. He felt a lot better now.

"Getting ready, kamerad! I vill be out presently."

"Well, hurry up, maggot! I'm a staging a meeting and I want EVERYONE there!"

Soldier sighed and marched away from the Medic's door, entering the Intel room after navigating his way through the boring corridors. A few moments passed and the rest of the RED team shuffled in, yawning and scratching their asses etc.

"Finally! I was starting to wonder whether you'd all fallen down the toilet or something." Lance rolled his eyes at Scout's vacant expression and puffed himself out as he brought out his chest. "This morning is going to be a training session!"

A chorus of groans assaulted his ears.

"Don't be like that!"

Music started up again from some unknown speaker as Soldier got into a heroic pose, slamming his fist into the palm of his right hand. The other members of RED acted like this was perfectly normal.

Spy did not. Wide bewildered eyes glanced around as the whole of RED broke into song.

_**(Soldier)**_

_**Let's get down to business,**_

_**To defeat the BLUs.**_

_**You're all a bunch of maggots,**_

_**You have no clue!**_

_**You're the saddest bunch I've ever met,**_

_**But you can bet before we're through,**_

_**Mr I'll Make a Man out of You.**_

Spy felt rather insulted as Lance poked a thick finger into his suited chest and he was about to open his mouth to vocalise his complaint when Soldier interrupted with more ridiculous singing.

_**(Soldier)**_

_**Tranquil as a Sniper,**_

_**Shooting bullet to brain.**_

_**To achieve a crit,**_

_**You must be sure to train!**_

_**You're a spineless, pale, pathetic lot,**_

_**My grandmother's better than you.**_

_**Somehow I'll make a man out of you!**_

_**(Scout)**_

_**I'm never gonna get laid.**_

_**(Medic)**_

_**Say goodbye to those who knew me.**_

_**(Demoman)**_

_**Boy, was I a fool for drinking gin.**_

_**(Engineer)**_

_**This guy's got me scared to death!**_

_**(Pyro)**_

_**Huddah huddah, hudd hudd!**_

_**(Heavy)**_

_**Now I really wish I knew how to swim!**_

At this point, they were all mysteriously outside, which freaked Felix out as they hadn't even moved! Before he could express his concern to his dancing team-mates, Heavy had bodily grabbed him and tossed him into the water coming from the sewers at 2Fort. Spy glubbed as he resurfaced with his arms crossed and a scowl on his masked face, while Lance nodded his wise approval at this act.

_**(RED)**_

_**Be a man!**_

_**(Soldier)**_

_**You must be as a swift as a speedy Scout!**_

_**(RED)**_

_**Be a man!**_

_**(Soldier)**_

_**With all the force of a charging Heavy!**_

_**(RED)**_

_**Be a man!**_

_**(Soldier)**_

_**With all the strength of a raging Pyro!**_

_**Mysterious as the dark side of the moon!**_

_**Time is racing toward us!**_

_**Until the BLUs arrive.**_

_**Dodge every Soldier,**_

_**And you might survive!**_

_**He turned on Spy, who had just clambered out of the dirty water and was now dripping wet.**_

_**(Soldier)**_

_**You're unsuited for the rage of war,**_

_**So pack up, go home, you're through!**_

_**How could I make a man out of you?**_

Spy was understandably upset and stamped one of his shiny Italian shoes in a rising temper. Drawing out his butterfly knife, he stormed off to camp outside BLU's base.

_**(RED)**_

_**Be a man!**_

_**(Soldier)**_

_**You must be as a swift as a speedy Scout!**_

_**(RED)**_

_**Be a man!**_

_**(Soldier)**_

_**With all the force of a charging Heavy!**_

_**(RED)**_

_**Be a man!**_

_**(Soldier)**_

_**With all the strength of a raging Pyro!**_

_**Mysterious as the dark side of the moon!**_

Everyone grabbed their weapons like nothing bizarre had ever occurred and they all rushed to cover the ground to BLU in the ten seconds before the beginning of the war. It was a tense standoff as RED made it around the corner, just in time to start opening fire on BLU as a few went down immediately, thanks to Spy's sensible act of planning ahead. Spy got out his little black diary and ticked off a few appointments, pleased at the sight of a dinner date with BLU Scout's mom next Tuesday. Again.

Hon hon hon…

Meanwhile, Bryn had parked himself in a nesting spot, eager to use that twitchy trigger finger – after a well-deserved nap, that is.

What? He'd had to first FIND the nest and then CLIMB it! That's pretty hard work when you're a Sniper.

Just before he went to sleep, he spotted the RED Heavy getting a half-assed beating from Seth, the BLU Scout, with a fish no less.

Ooo…that would leave a bruise.

The Welsh sniper shook his head at the terrible sights before him.

"What's the world come to?" he wondered aloud.

"Dunno mate." replied an Australian and Bryn whirled round to stare at the BLU Sniper.

Oh phew, it wasn't one of those damn Australian civilians who couldn't read a map and a bloody big danger sign or a fan girl who had a fetish for Snipers.

Music started up as the two Snipers wiggled awkwardly from side to side with serious expressions.

_**(Bryn)**_

_**There's children on the streets,**_

_**Using guns and knives.**_

_**They're taking drugs,**_

_**And each other's lives.**_

_**Killing each other with knives and forks,**_

_**And calling each other names like dog.**_

_**Wooaahooh.**_

_**(Joey)**_

_**There's people on the street,**_

_**Getting diseases from monkeys.**_

_**Yeah, that's what I said,**_

_**They're getting diseases from monkeys.**_

_**Now there's junkies with monkey disease,**_

_**Who's touching these monkeys?**_

_**Please leave these poor sweet monkeys alone,**_

_**They've got problems enough as it is!**_

_**(Bryn crouches next to a beheaded Demoman and looks at him.)**_

_**There's a man lying on the street,**_

_**Some punk's chopped off his head,**_

_**I'm the only one who stops,**_

_**To see if he's dead!**_

_**Mmmm…**_

_**Turns out he's dead.**_

_**(Both)**_

_**And that's why we're singing.**_

_**Why, what is wrong with the world today?**_

_**(Joey)**_

_**What's wrong with the world today?**_

_**Mmdnnnndannay *and other such noises***_

_**(Both)**_

_**What…what is wrong with the world today?**_

_**Think about it.**_

_**Ya gotta think about it!**_

_**(Bryn)**_

_**A good cop's been framed,**_

_**And put into a can.**_

_**All the money that we're making,**_

_**Is going to the man!**_

_**(Joey)**_

_**What man, which man, where's the man, what makes a man a man? Am I a man?**_

_**Yes…technically I am.**_

_**They're turning kids into slaves,**_

_**Just to make cheaper sneakers,**_

_**But what's the real cost?**_

_**When the sneakers don't seem that much cheaper!**_

_**Why are we paying so much for sneakers?**_

_**When you got them made by little slave kids!**_

_**What are you doing here?**_

_**(Bryn)**_

_**At the end of your life,**_

_**You're lucky if you die.**_

_**Sometimes I wonder why we even try,**_

_**There's a man on the street,**_

_**Lying half-dead,**_

_**With knives and forks sticking out of his legs.**_

_**(Bryn crouches next to a hurt Heavy)**_

_**And he's saying;**_

_**Owowowowowowoow…**_

_**Can someone please remove these cutleries from my knees?**_

_**(Both)**_

_***make a variety of noises***_

The music ended and the two Snipers blinked owlishly at each other for a moment before getting into an epic Bushwacka fight.

And so, the day continued with mad renditions of songs (including a lovely opera performance of "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" by the two Scouts) and incredible battles scenes that I am far too lazy to describe.

Again…don't question me.

Suddenly, there was a pause in the fight, as the RED Spy finally decided to have his deserved time in the limelight and leapt dramatically in between the warring teams. He opened his mouth to give a beautiful prelude speech about how they should all stop fighting and be friends –

And then there was a massive explosion and they all died.

The End.

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><p>Seriously…I have a funny feeling that there will be loads of explosions after this. After all, this isn't a Michael Bay movie for nothing!<p>

*gets bricked*

…Ow. Please review and keep those story ideas for 100 Missions coming in. I really appreciate your ideas. Pop them in my PM box or a review!


	5. Chapter 5

**100 Missions.**

Hiya! Lily here with a great idea presented to me by Skagui the Sniper – thanks mate. Here is a crossover chapter – see if you can spot the crossover.

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><p>5th Objective – Scout and Engineer's Epic Tale.<p>

The sun shone brightly over the desert/canyon setting of Dustbowl. Far below, from a plane camera's point of view, a trail of mottled brown dust was winding a loopy path across the barren landscape. The speeding object showed off his fabulous skills of multi-tasking as he ran by juggling, eating a sandwich, writing and publishing a best-selling autobiography (it was called "Me, Myself and I: The Life of a Romantic Hero), passing a driving test and performing a successful triple bypass surgery. Then he happened to look up as he wiped the last bit of blood off his RED uniform and grinned heroically at what he saw.

"Hey Engie!"

The RED Engineer waved back happily in his latest contraption that was a hybrid of a jet-fighter, a double-decker bus and Sniper's campervan for some odd reason.

Yes, the Engineer is so brainy that he passes right by the line of logic and flies high in the realm of humanly, physically and sexually possible. Got it?

Meanwhile, the RED Sniper was still sobbing over the memorial statue of his beloved Sheila the Campervan.

"We had something special, ti a fi."

Back to the action-packed adventure…

"Hiya Scout! It's sure been quiet lately!"

The flying…thing swooped lower until it flew right next to the fastest Scout alive.

"Um Engie…what the hell happened to your manly Texan voice? You sound like a pre-pubescent Canadian!" Scout yelled, his chest puffed out to make him seem muscular and his engineering buddy shrugged.

"I think I'm going through reverse puberty."

Scout didn't question his scientific piece of information.

"Well…don't talk and we'll be fine."

Suddenly, a floating television descended in front of the heroes, being carried by two doves. On it appeared the evil face of –

"Dr Medic!"

"That fiend!"

Yes, that crazy Medic was back once again –

"Wait…the BLU Medic?"

"Seriously?"

"He couldn't blow up someone's garden, let alone be an evil villain! Whose idea was this?"

STOP INTERRUPTING ME!

Engineer and Scout flinched.

"Sorry ma'am. Carry on."

The BLU Medic stared at his English – written script with a nervous frown.

"Ha, ha, ha…oh, HA! I am back, schweinhunds! I…am I saying this correctly?"

There was a lot of whispering from the background and Elias shook his head a few times before turning back to face Scout and Engineer.

"Quover in –."

"Quiver. It's quiver." A Russian voice echoed.

"Ah…ja. Quiver in fear before my mighty power as I show you a video feed of your quidnopped - ."

"Kidnapped."

"Uh…KIDNAPPED friends."

Nervous laughter echoed and the video switched to members of the RED team locked in a room with popcorn and a bunch of Disney movies in their grasp, looking rather content. Only the Spy showed any sign of being afraid, shrieking as he hid from the scary stepmother in Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Nobody noticed the camera.

"Eh, close enough."

The video switched to Dr Medic again and he adjusted his glasses before speaking in a monotone once more.

"If you EVER vant to see your freunds again, you must battle Team BLU to save zem. Ha, ha, ha….I'm not getting paid enough for zis."

BLU was shown striking a variety of poses. Some, like the Soldier and Demoman were overly enthusiastic.

"Yeah! Come get us, maggots!"

"There can oonly be ONE!" Demoman tried his best to stand upright.

Others weren't…quite so excited.

"Wake me up when you're done as I can't be bothered to move. See ya guys later." Seth lay down, put his cap over his eyes and went to sleep.

With one final laugh of pure EVIL, the BLU Medic waved goodbye and the television exploded, blackening the doves (seriously, did you expect anything else?).

"Curses, they looked like they were being tortured in there! We have to stop BLU, lil' buddy!" Pip cried dramatically, obviously not paying attention to the badly filmed video whatsoever as he flailed his hands around and Russian danced on the spot.

Dusty nodded in determination.

"You bet! Then I can finally get married!"

"Whoa!" Scout nearly fell flat on his face with shock. "You never said anythin' about gettin' married! Who is this lucky woman?"

With a completely deadpan voice and straight face, Engineer said;

"Mah dispenser."

The amazing and heroic guitar riff that had been background music screeched to a halt and gasps flew from everywhere.

"Your…dispenser?"

"Sure. I marry all of mah inventions. As of now, I have one thousand wives and two hundred baby sentries and dispensers on the way."

Looking a little worried, Scout mumbled a congratulations and there descended an awkward silence for the rest of the trip to BLU base.

* * *

><p>When they reached the heavily guarded base (it only took five seconds for Scout, but then he had to impatiently wait for the RED Engineer), Scout rubbed under his nose with a cocky smirk.<p>

"Aw yeah, this'll be too easy."

Engineer hopped out of his flying contraption and adjusted his goggles before getting out what appeared to be a holographic scroll with a laser gun mounted on it (can ANYONE actually tell what his inventions are?) and then he flew over to Scout with –

"Oh god…Engie, what is that?"

Engineer looked confused.

"This? This device is a heat signature - ."

"No! No…the thing sticking out of ya ass."

Engineer looked very proud of himself.

"I can fly using these helicopter blades that I surgically –."

"I DON'T WANNA KNOW! Let's…just go in and kick butt, okay?" Scout cried, pinching the bridge of his nose and Engie grinned, totally oblivious.

"Sure, Scout!"

Not thinking about the possibility of traps or man-eating moths, Scout curled up into a ball and spin-dashed into the building, crashing into a load of robots that appeared from nowhere. Lasers and explosions were everywhere, BLU team were attacking with spaghetti guns and it was utter chaos.

".EVER!" Scout screeched in joy, posing victoriously on top of a pile of robots, while Engineer alternated between cheering for his role-model/brother figure (note the creepy stalker tendencies that Engie is exhibiting) and spouting useless tips.

"Press the B button to do a spin kick!"

After many more incredible fighting scenes and explosions (they were beautiful…you should have been there), the Dynamic Duo reached Dr Medic's evil lair.

"Here we are, Engie. All sorts of crazy crap could be in here. We could die…or worse. You ready?" Scout glanced round for Engie and saw him casually push the door open and stroll in without a care in the world. For someone with eleven PhDs, he was really stupid.

"Wait, chucklenuts!" Scout exclaimed and rushed after the hapless engineer, fearing the worst.

Instead they found a small infirmary with Dr Medic taking medical notes and feeding a dove.

"Jig's up, egghead!"

Dr Medic jumped and turned around, now sporting an obviously fake bad guy's moustache.

"Oh no! I – I mean HAHAHAAH! You have found me in mein fabulous lair! Vhich I vasn't expecting to be honest…but zat is not important now!"

After an epic battle involving a cream cake, a slow moving vehicle with a giant button saying "Weak spot" on it and five thousand robots, Dr Medic was defeated.

"Curses…foiled again."

Scout and Engie tensed for more action (or possibly to let him get away in a flying doughnut).

"Vhat I vanted to say vas…"

This was it. The fight to end all fights, a daring fight for destiny and the fate of their friends.

"Vould you like to join in our Disney marathon?"

The fate of the world rested in their hands.

"Hmmm…" Engie mulled over this vital question, searching for any hidden meanings, traps or unexpected plot holes. He found none and nodded an affirmative to the eagerly shuffling Scout.

"ALRIGHT! We accept your dastardly challenge! Oh and do any of ya happen to have chillidogs? I've suddenly got a strong urge to eat one…and dye my hair blue."

BLU Medic seemed bewildered, but let their strange behaviour slide. Leading the way into their living room, RED and BLU alike greeted them.

"Ya destroyed mah sentries!"

"Took you two weirdoes long enough to get here."

And so, the heroes learned some very valuable lessons; nothing is ever what it seems, Disney is very entertaining, listening before charging in with your own conclusions is a complete waste of time and to never eat an antelope. Especially when it's talking to you.

"…Engineer, what the hell is attached to your ass?"

"Oh, well ya see - ."

"DON'T WANT TO KNOW!"

Actually…they learnt nothing at all because the adventure was pointless.

Mission Objective complete.

* * *

><p>…I have no idea what just happened or what I just wrote. Hope your brains weren't scrambled too much and please review. Also, ti a fi is Welsh for you and me.<p> 


	6. Chapter 6

**100 Missions.**

Here is chapter six of 100 Missions and I hope it makes you laugh. Inspired by the brilliant Fine Bros on YouTube. Enjoy! R&R.

* * *

><p>6th Objective – TF2 Reacts to…Bed Intruder Song!<p>

The two teams were approached one day by the Administrator and Miss Pauling (the Admin only looking for a quick way to make a few bucks, as usual) with some very interesting information.

"There are these men called "The Fine Bros", who make videos that see people reacting to certain things on the internet." Miss Pauling explained, quivering in her little shoes at the sight of eighteen men all looking like they wanted to eat her.

They probably did.

"Um…anyway, they heard about your exploits and want to put up a series of YouTube videos called "TF2 Reacts to…" Would you be interested?"

The two Scouts immediately agreed, one clamouring for her attention and the other half-heartedly trying to get her to sign the eight episode long contract for him.

"It sounds…public. Will it be shown to people?" RED Spy asked, not quite getting the concept of YouTube. When he found out via Harry that it would be shown to millions of people, he screamed a high-pitched scream and jumped behind a dumpster, subsequently having to be dragged out and smacked around a few times by Lance, the RED Soldier.

"You WILL man up, private!"

But nobody cared about Felix's imminent doom as they were too excited.

"We'll be gettin' paid, roight?" Joey, the BLU Sniper asked and the Announcer glared, causing Elias to cross himself several times.

"You will be paid by your happy flowery feelings!"

"…I can live with that."

And so, that's how they were all paired off and put into separate rooms to view their first requested video – The Bed Intruder Song.

The first question out of Adric's mouth was;

"What is Songify?"

Nobody bothered to answer him, thinking that he would get it soon enough.

He's climbin' in yo windows,

He's snatchin' yo people up.

Pippin, the RED Scout, immediately grinned.

"Oh, I know dis song! It was based off dat report…I love this sooo much!" His partner, Emmett, the BLU Spy, looked utterly confused.

"Quoi? What iz zis?"

Tryin' ta rape 'em,

So y'all need to hide yo kids,

Hide yo wife,

Hide yo kids,

Hide yo wife.

And hide yo husband,

'Cuz he's rapin' everyone out here.

Jane, the BLU Soldier immediately cracked up along with Guy, the RED Demoman.

"Oh god, this is that news report! The lyrics remind me of the Spies…y'know, because they're French."

Guy was laughing too hard to say anything.

You don't have to come and confess,

We looking for you,

We gonna find you,

We gonna find you.

So you can run and tell dat,

Run and tell dat,

Run and tell dat,

Home boy, home boy,

Home, home, home boy.

The two Snipers had differing reactions.

"I bet that guy is famous now, ain't he? How is this so popular, mate?" Joey asked.

Bryn was wearing a goofy smile and bobbing his head along.

"This is catchy, ffrindiau…don't know why, but it is."

Throughout the rest of the video, reactions were recorded. The two Snipers actually ended up dancing along to it like they were at a rave and Pippin sung along cheerfully. The BLU Medic and BLU Demoman (who slept off his usual alcohol binge throughout and wasn't very useful) were paired and Elias was crying with laughter by the middle of the video.

"I can't understand a single vord he is saying! AHAHAHA!

Adric got confused because he didn't understand what the video was about and Damon was shaking his head beside the clueless RED Heavy.

"Should not joke about such tings." he muttered with a serious expression.

The RED Pyro and RED Soldier were nodding their heads silently along with the music, while the BLU Pyro just kept wondering aloud, oblivious to the fearful Felix beside him.

"I don't know why this even exists! Why are you showing me this crap?"

At the end, Soldier and Pyro saluted the video, Pippin gave it a round of applause and Joey and Bryn put their arms across and said;

"Word, yo."

Then it was time for the interview.

"So, what do you think the video was about?"

Pippin, being blunt and impulsive, replied;

"A raging black guy."

Jasper looked across at the RED Engineer.

"Uuummm…it looked like a news report, but zere vas singing? If you can call it zat."

"Lots of singing, doc."

The two Snipers had a different opinion.

"An excuse for people to rave."

BLU Scout had missed the whole video as he was asleep with his feet propped up on the desk. It took several attempts by Harry to get Seth to open his eyes and pay attention to the question.

"What video?"

"Er…it was about a rapist that is probably gonna be dead by now because that guy will find him and go all gangsta on his ass." Oliver said with a grin and snorted when Soldier smirked and replied;

"Yeah… so HE'S going to have to hide his kids and wife."

The interviewer asked;

"Did you know that this video made the man famous?"

"I KNEW it!" Joey yelled with glee.

Elias was still laughing – upon hearing this next question, he laughed even harder and fell off his chair.

Chazz was not amused.

"I can't believe that. It was just some guy making an idiot of himself on TV."

Jane and Guy were more supportive.

"Oh good! I guess he could move his family out of the projects then." Jane commented.

"And finally…what message did that video give its viewers?"

"You can songify anything, kids!" Dusty quipped, complete with cheesy and Jasper nodded in mocking agreement.

Damon had a more serious view.

"Raping is bad and little man will be crushed by the law, da?"

Joey and Bryn answered at the same time with deadpan expressions.

"You can do ANYTHING to get rich and famous."

"That y'all need to hide yo kids, hide yo wife!" Pippin started to sing again and Emmett sang along happily.

"Oui, because he's gonna find you!"

Felix just shrugged and ducked shyly behind Chazz.

The video ended with everyone waving goodbye.

"Send in YOUR video request! Bye!" Pippin yelped and was dragged off by Bryn.

Mission Objective complete.

* * *

><p>You heard them! I will probably do more of these TF2 Reacts chapters so please send in what you want to see. Hope you enjoyed and please send in some ideas.<p> 


	7. Chapter 7

**100 Missions.**

Hello and welcome back to 100 Missions. This chapter involves Seth and Bryn – two of Team Fortress' laziest people going on an adventure.

*facepalms*

Nothing will get done.

Disclaimer: Do not own TF2 or anything Valve.

* * *

><p>7th Objective: Scout and Sniper's Excellent Adventure!<p>

One day, Seth, the BLU Scout, and Bryn, the RED Sniper, crossed paths while Bryn was coming out of Respawn and Seth ambled his way to the RED base to collect their precious Intel (which mostly held porn and Batman comics and pictures of kittens, but nobody was meant to know that).

"Oh…hey and stuff." Seth said, yawning and Bryn shrugged.

"Hi. Guess I have to try and stop you getting to our Intel or something."

Scout shrugged and the pair made half-hearted gestures at each other for a while before realising that it was too much effort.

"I give up."

"Me too."

They stood there in silence.

"Wanna go find someplace nice to nap?"

Bryn battled with his tiny conscience and then gave in to temptation.

"Well, I'm supposed to be helping my team…but why not? I'm sure they can do without me for a bit!"

The scene cut to the members of RED screaming as they were set alight by Chazz (who cringed at the sight of the naked flames as usual) with heavy metal playing loudly.

"Where's our goddamn Sniper? He's needed to save us AAAAGGGGHHH!" Lance shrieked, running around in circles.

"I am MELTING!" cried Jasper dramatically.

Oliver just cooked marshmallows.

The lazy duo set off to find a comfortable spot (although even that seemed like too much work). On their merry way, they passed a tourist muttering at a map.

"Now, where am I?"

Taking pity on the stranger, Bryn tipped his cool hat and asked in a polite tone;

"'Scuse me, ffrindiau, you seem to be lost. Can we help?"

The hapless tourist took one look at their guns, shrieked "Not again!" and ran for the hills.

"Well…that was rude." Sniffled Sniper with a sad face and Scout gave him some candy in a jar, which cheered him right up.

"Oh boy, a new jar for me piss! The candy's an added bonus."

So the duo continued on their pointless journey, making friends with a talking tree, playing their favourite game of Target Practise with Felix the poor RED Spy (he'd been on his way to see his therapist) and learning how to drive an ice cream van.

"That was fun." Scout commented casually as the van behind exploded into flames.

"Oh ydw, I particularly enjoyed our nap at the wheel. Who knew driving a van could be so easy?" Bryn replied as they went off, licking their free ice cream.

The ice cream man sobbed at the unnecessary destruction.

Finally, they found some hammocks, which were oddly placed by a beach with palm trees and free cold drinks with those little umbrellas (you know, the ones that like to poke you in the eye when you try and take a sip).

"Huh…never knew there was a beach here."

Not questioning this convenient plot twist, the two mercenaries strolled over, hopped on and fell asleep in a matter of seconds.

While they were asleep however, their scenery and their sleeping forms were used for several movie shots, including a comedy set on a beach and a WW2 movie, where bombs and landmines went off constantly.

Then, a freak tornado swept through the area, blowing away cars, trees, the BLU Spy disguised as a house and several cows…but leaving the two men and their beach mysteriously untouched. Eventually, after being used as a prop for a medical drama (it was very dramatic, with lots of crying and yells of "GODDAMN IT! We lost them…" and doctors cheating on their nurses), Seth and Bryn woke up stretching and seeing a calm tropical beach once more.

"Oh damn, forgot to bring sunscreen." Bryn said in embarrassment, staring down at his tomato red skin.

"Look at it this way; you're da same colour as your shirt now." Scout pointed out and Sniper brightened.

"Oh cool! I'll blend into the environment! Let's play Hide and Seek. You can count and I'll hide." He cried excitedly and Scout dragged himself to his feet and started counting.

He didn't get past ten because he became tired.

"Okay…I'm ready!" he called and opened his blue eyes.

"Hmm…where are you?" he said unenthusiastically.

He searched high and low (which was just turning around in a circle a few times for Seth) until he was exhausted. He didn't see the Sniper standing against a tree with a twig in front of his proud face, his skin standing out drastically against the brown bark.

"Heehee, he'll never find me! I'm a genius!" he gleefully chortled.

"Okay, I give up." Scout sighed quickly, sitting down on the hammock as the one minute he'd spent searching had been so hard, dammit!

Bryn jumped out from his "hiding place", laughing his head off.

While the Sniper chased his rolling head, bumping into many obstacles, the Scout complimented him in astonishment.

"You're really good at hide and seek."

"Of course! My mam and tad could never find me when I was a boy and I won all of the contests." Sniper stated matter-of-factly as he put his head back on.

Looking at the evening sky, Scout glanced at his watch.

"Wow, time went real quick today."

"We should head back."

Seth though of the distance that lay between those lovely hammocks and BLU base. It was so far…

Then he remembered the TV and his cosy bed and the food and he was suddenly a lot more willing.

"Alright then."

Lying in bed that night, Bryn Jones happily thought over his fun day with Seth and realised that the BLUs weren't so bad after all! He'd made a new friend.

Seth just snored like a chainsaw.

Mission objective complete.

* * *

><p>Hope this chapter amused you. It amused me because I was seeing this all in comic format. Seriously, I would love to see fan art of this chapter. It would make my life. Also, quick pointer; Sniper is definitely not as lazy as Seth. R&amp;R<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

**100 Missions.**

After watching ASDF Movie Five (SO GOOD!), I finally decided to combine the two fandoms! Enjoy the crack! =D

Disclaimer: Do not own ASDF or TF2.

* * *

><p>8th Objective: ASTF.<p>

One day, the two Soldiers met up on the battlefield, tensing as they registered each other's presence.

"Hey man, look at my new dog." Said the RED Soldier and the BLU looked interested.

"Oh, that's cool," he replied as he looked down.

BUT THERE WAS NO DOG!

"Awww…there's no dog there!" BLU Soldier said accusingly.

Then they proceeded to roar at each other until the battle was over.

ASTF!

The RED Scout ran up to RED Spy in a panic.

"QUICK, SHOOT ME IN THE FACE!"

The Spy complied.

ASTF!

As the flying saucer moved forward in the sky, the BLU Demoman yelled above the panic.

"ALIEN ATTACK!"

RED Soldier would not be intimidated. Yes, their weapons had mysteriously vanished but they still had their last resort, dammit!

"THROW THE CHEEEEESSSEE!"

Blocks of cheese went flying through the air and bumped against the ship as it floated.

The RED Scout broke the awkward silence.

"YEAH!"

ASTF!

"It's such a beautiful night." Scout's mother sighed happily as she lay on the grass with RED Spy.

"Yeah, it's just me, you and ze moon."

The moon grinned.

"Hey! You two should kiss!"

ASTF!

The RED Medic laughed crazily.

"Hahaha! Zey said I could never teach a llama to drive!"

The llama bleated as the car drove out of control.

"NO LLAMA NOOO!" Medic shouted in sadness.

With one final bleat, the car drove off the cliff.

"MAA!"

ASTF!

"Why, hello Mine Turtle!" the RED Engineer cried happily to the cute little turtle with a button on its back.

(IT'S A TORTOISE! GAAAAAAH! *explodes*)

"Hello!" it squeaked.

The RED Demoman accidently stood on it.

"Oh -!"

Then they all exploded.

ASTF!

"Oh no, I am NOT stepping on you!" RED Demo yelled as he pointed angrily at the cute little Mine Turtle. Suddenly, bleating sounded as the llama in the car crashed on top of him.

"MAA! MAA! MAA!" the llama cried as it pranced away.

"Hello!" said Mine Turtle.

ASTF!

"Doctor, I think I might be a homosexual!" BLU Spy pleaded to BLU Medic and the good doctor raised an eyebrow.

"How can you tell?"

Spy puked rainbows EVERYWHERE, but particularly on Medic.

"RAAINBOOWSS!"

ASTF!

"I baked you a pie." Said RED Pyro firmly and RED Sniper looked delighted.

"Oh boy, what flavour?"

"PIE FLAVOUR." The Pyro used an epic voice and another pie sprang from within the bigger pie to an electric guitar.

ASTF!

"You gotta help me, man! My tie is evil and it's trying to kill meee!" the RED Medic grabbed the BLU Engineer's shoulders desperately but he backed away, leaving Medic to his doom.

"Please don't hurt me!"

"Muahahahaahaa."

ASTF!

"I like singing!" chirped the BLU Pyro.

"I like dancing." The BLU Heavy waved his arms around.

"I like trains." The BLU Scout said and was promptly flattened by a train blaring its horn.

ASTF!

"Do you ever get tired of being random?" the RED Heavy asked the BLU Sniper.

The BLU Sniper had a duck bill instead of a mouth.

"Yeah, me neither." The RED Heavy responded with a duck bill.

Mission Objective complete.

* * *

><p>I may do a sequel depending on your reactions. Please review.<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

**100 Missions.**

Smoresborg gave me a wonderful idea for this next chapter! So all credit to this bro. Thank you! Please review.

* * *

><p>9th Objective: Switch!<p>

It was another day of battling and blowing crap up at Badwater. The Spies were being sneaky, the Snipers were hiding behind their "big gun" and the Heavy/Medic bromances were still going strong. Coincidently, both Heavies and Medics were blown up by rockets and bombs, flying into little pieces and straight back to Respawn.

Oh dear, that place that COD players think exists in real life. So reliable, so safe, so…

BODY SWITCHING?

In her secret lair, the Administrator giggled as she watched the RED Heavy and Medic look each other over and scream in alarm, laughing even harder as the BLU duo did the same thing two seconds later. She then choked on her own cigarette, the silly old hag.

"Oh, dis is bad!" cried Adrik in RED Medic's body.

Jasper whimpered as he stared at the Heavy's thick fingers and wiggled them.

"I'm fat!"

"WHAT?"

"N-Nothing."

Adrik looked down at his rubber gloves and discovered an interesting fact.

"Why do you wear washing up gloves?"

"I CAN'T AFFORD REAL GLOVES!" Jasper roared and Adrik squeaked as he was nearly blown away. "Sorry kamerad. Scheisse, it feels strange speaking my mother tongue in YOUR voice." Jasper hoisted Adrik up by his arm.

Meanwhile, Elias ran around in horrified circles.

"Nein, nein, nein! What are we going to do?"

Damon hefted the Medigun with a gasp.

"How do you carry this all day, Doktor? It's so…heavy!"

Elias shrugged his now too big shoulders.

"I don't know…I just go to my happy place."

These two had the advantage because they were both intelligent, so they had no problems adjusting to their new fields of education (Science and Literature and Math respectively).

RED on the other hand…

"Oh, mein gott! I can't remember where my heart is!"

Adrik laughed heartily.

"In your chest, protected by your rib cage and situated just under the left lung, of course!"

There was a short pause.

"I'm…clever?"

"NOOO! I've lost my brain! AGH!"

Jasper shot himself in desperation and popped back into existence a few seconds later, sobbing in realisation that he couldn't actually die. Adrik seemed disturbed at watching his body cry.

"Whoa…come, friend! We must carry on as normal, da?"

Adrik smiled as he balanced the healing gun towards his comrade.

"JA!"

"Ow…you don't need to shout. Do I really speak like a deaf person all the time?"

"YES!" Jasper grinned triumphantly as he picked up his minigun.

"Treat Sascha well or I'll kill you, da?" Adrik said creepily and Jasper nodded nervously.

"What the hell are you two chumps standing round here foah? Get goin'!" Pip yelled as he sprinted past from the room and duo set off after him.

Elias shivered in the corner, inching slowly towards the minigun sitting innocently in front of him.

"Can't I take a shotgun?"

"No! Now please come on!" Damon cried impatiently and Elias picked up the gun with relative ease.

"Huh…I could get used to dis."

Chaos reigned on RED's side for the next half an hour as Jasper tried to get to grip with his new weapon and life in general. He tripped a lot while his new clever friend struggled a bit with the Medigun. Elias and Damon sailed through happily, glad that they were still bros on the same team (even if they were in different bodies with different IQs).

It didn't take the RED Spy long to work out what had occurred.

"Um…gentlemen? We 'ave a problem."

The rest of the frustrated RED gathered around Felix eagerly.

"I'll say!"

"It's like watching two maggots in a circus!"

Nobody was quite certain how to respond to that out of the blue comment.

"Oui…Anyway, our 'Eavy and Medic duo are now practically useless and zis means we are going to lose against BLU. Zhey're Medic and 'Eavy 'ave adapted to zis…change."

Soldier and Pyro looked at each other and shivered.

"That could have been us, ey?" the Canadian said under his mask and was happy as Lance understood his muffled speech for once.

"You said it, private. Now, we need an AMAZING plan that only a brilliant mind could conjure up."

Everyone looked expectantly at Spy and he sighed harshly.

"Give moi deux minut…"

This "brilliant plan" consisted of surrendering with French little white flags.

The RED team were not impressed.

BLU, meanwhile, were having a brilliant day! For once, they were actually winning something. That last point was as good as theirs!

"Despite the hiccup at Respawn earlier, we're doing remarkably well!" Damon commented, his words sounding funny coming from the German's mouth. He was so used to his own voice and missed his gun…

"Ja! I think we are nearly done!" Elias replied, having a whale of a time with Sascha. Cutting down enemies left, right and centre while screaming German insults was something he'd only ever dreamt of!

"It's really creepy how you two are each other's bodies but it's really helped us today!" Harry cried as he ran past with another tool box. "I'm gonna have to take a gander at Respawn later."

"MAKE ME A STEAK FIRST, DAMN YOU!" BLU Soldier chased after him with a screech.

"Nothing can go wrong now, can it?" BLU Medic asked nervously and BLU Heavy shrugged his Medipack up a notch and patted Elias.

"We'll be fine."

Famous last words.

It turned out RED had ditched their normal weapons for a crack at their Demoman's unusual plan performing a Highland Charge.

BLU stared at the frankly crazy scene in a strange mix of hysterical fear and laughter. Instead of guns and rocket launchers, nearly every member of RED charged down towards them, swinging Eyelanders and screaming loudly. It would have been more terrifying if they hadn't also decided to discard their bottom halves of their uniforms in exchange for a kilt.

The only man not waving a sword and screaming bloody murder was Spy. He waved a little white flag and screamed defeat and surrender instead.

Fearing for their precious necks, BLU turned around and ran in the opposite direction, shooting when they could. Sadly, Damon tripped over his Medic's black boots and fell, being sent to Respawn by Guy a few moments later and Elias followed soon afterwards.

When they both woke up, they felt surprise and relief at being back in their own bodies and brains.

"I missed you Sascha!" Damon hugged his gun impulsively and Medic smiled secretively at his Medigun.

"Later, mein Liebe."

Truth be told, both men preferred their original career choices

"Let's go, comrade." Damon grinned wickedly.

"Ja!" Elias' eyes twinkled.

Jasper gasped as a shiny object distracted him.

"OH WOW! SHINY!"

The other members of RED lunged towards him in slow motion as they tried to prevent the now stupid Medic in Heavy's body from touching the BLU's 'Christmas present'.

"WHOOPS!"

The bomb clicked the few centimetres from its original position into the last check point.

"NOOOOO !"

BLU cheered as the bomb exploded, spattering bits of RED everywhere.

RED glared at Jasper Hans as he reappeared in his original body and brain in Respawn.

"Scheisse, mein head…vhat? Vhat are you all glaring at me like zat for?"

Adrik snickered in the corner, happy that he wasn't the one in trouble for once.

And so, both Medic and Spy got an ass kicking that evening Medic for his idiocy that cost them the battle and Spy for just being French.

The End.

Mission Objective complete.

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><p>And that is this chapter finished, mein freunds! Hoorah! I hope Smoresborg (and everyone else) is happy with this chapter! Goodnight.<p> 


	10. Chapter 10

**100 Missions.**

An idea from Skagui the Sniper, I think. Have a good read, everybody!

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><p>10th Objective TF2 Reacts to…TF2?<p>

For the second time, the teams found themselves paired up and sat in different rooms in front of a computer screen.

They weren't prepared for what they were about to witness.

"Hang on…this looks familiar…" Pippin said, Seth leaning in beside him for a closer look.

"Oh my god…THAT'S ME!" Oliver yelled, pointing dramatically at the screen and Bryn nodded in shock.

"For some reason, I'm an Aussie."

They were all being shown several Team Fortress 2 trailers and videos, including the "Meet the…" videos.

"Wow, do I really look that graceful when I'm flying through the air?" BLU Soldier asked in wonder and BLU Pyro facepalmed.

Elias looked sadly at the images of the RED Spy killing him and Adrik patted his head, almost breaking his neck.

"At least you look good, da?"

RED Spy stared at the screen with starry eyes, watching the BLU Spy practically praise him as several shots saw him looking suave and crafty while shooting the BLU Engineer.

"Yeah, I ken…ye would NEVER do that in real life." Scotland slurred from beside him and Felix hung his head with a quick nod.

Joey cracked up at the "Meet the Sandwich" video.

"These blokes are messed up…shootin' a video about a SANDWICH?"

The video ended and it was question time.

"So, what was that video about?" the off-screen interviewer asked once again and Guy exchanged a glance with Dusty.

"It was about US, ye numpty!"

"Definitely about us." said Emmett, smoking a cigarette lazily.

"How do you guys feel after seeing this?"

"Really confused. How do they know about us?" BLU Engineer asked worriedly and Damon shrugged.

"Annoyed actually."

When asked why, Lance sighed.

"They've got us all wrong!" he complained as he jabbed the computer screen. "They make me out to be a jabbering lunatic who has a hobby of collecting enemy heads!"

"Ja, zat's just disturbing. And I look far prettier in real life." RED Medic responded in agreement.

"Um…they were pretty accurate about you, Doc."

"VHAT?"

"What do you think they could change or do better to improve this game and its commercials?"

"Uh well, they could be more accurate about us for starters! I'm Welsh, not Aussie! And me mam and tad would never treat me like that on the phone!" Bryn ranted unhappily.

"I didn't HAVE my own video!" Oliver snapped and Bryn shut up.

"I should be faster! And have a top hat." replied Pippin.

"I should have a bed. I do far too much work as it is." Seth commented, putting his feet up on the desk. From another room the BLU Soldier could be heard yelling;

"LIES!"

"Apparently, "Meet the Pyro" is actually coming out this year! Any thought on that?"

"Finally! I'd better have plenty of fiery action scenes!" Oliver cried, pumping his fist.

"So, in Valve time, that'll be December, right? We all know how they like to leave things until last minute."

A freeze shot of Chazz with guitar music showed bold words printed above him.

FACT!

"Finally, this game is free for all to play and has thousands of fans. Is there anything you would like to say to them?" the interviewer asked.

"Aw shucks, really? Well, thanks folks!" Dusty said bashfully, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I want a pay rise." Chazz demanded.

"If I wasnae a man, I'd KISS ye!" Scotland slurred goofily.

Felix began to quiver.

"Zere are people…who are fans of moi? PLEASE DON'T STALK ME!" he squealed and waved a little white flag in submission.

"That right there is a real beaut. Thanks fans!" Joey grinned, pointing and waving at the camera.

"You'd better make me proud, men!" Jane barked and gave a salute.

"Women play this game too."

"WHAT? ARE THEY IN THE KITCHENS?"

"Please continue to support mein research!" Elias cried happily.

"Da, shoot many little baby men." Adrik answered.

"Does dis mean I can get laid?" Seth sounded slightly excited for once.

The episode ended with Emmett grinning cheerfully.

"Tell us what you want to see us react to next! Au revoir!"

Mission Objective complete.

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><p>Give me a bell in the reviews to see YOUR idea on what they should react to next! Bye bye!<p> 


	11. Chapter 11

**100 Missions.**

Hello all! I've decided to do a few bloopers of each "Meet the ." video! If you're very good and lucky, I will do bloopers of your TF2 fanfics as well! That's only if you want me to though. Please enjoy and review.

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><p>11th Objective Bloopers of "Meet the Scout".<p>

"And…action!"

"Grass flies, birds grow and brudda…I messed up my lines." RED Scout said with a straight face and the RED Pyro burst out laughing behind the camera. Even the Director was smiling.

"Alright, cut. Make sure you read your lines, alright?"

BLOOPERS!

"ACTION!"

The Heavy reached out for his sandwich in despair with frantic movements and blue eyes full of resignation as the RED Scout bounced off the crates towards him.

"AAAGH!"

Unfortunately, the poor boy had misjudged his jump and sailed right over BLU Heavy's bald head, landing with a splat in the dust.

"Ow…"

"Cut! Is he alright?" the Director asked worriedly and was relieved when the Scout started to sit up gingerly with a laugh.

"Hah…that didn't hurt really."

BLU Heavy laughed too and called for a Medic, making everyone crack up even more at the inside joke.

BLOOPERS!

"Action!"

"If you was from where I was from…then you'd be from where I was from!" the Scout cried with a half confused, half amused expression and the BLU Engineer nearly died laughing as everyone else chuckled too.

"Oh god, I forgot my lines!"

"Best. Ad lib. Ever!" giggled the RED Medic.

"I don't think we're going to get anymore filming done after that clanger." The Director laughed.

BLOOPERS!

The BLU Heavy took a bite out of his sandwich.

"Oh wait, I'm not actually supposed to eat dis." He mumbled through a mouthful of sandwich and Scout facepalmed.

BLOOPERS!

The Soldier accidentally clonked RED Scout in the head with his rocket launcher as they were waiting to come out of Respawn at the beginning of the video.

"Oops…I think he's knocked out."

"Can we get the RED Medic here please?" the Director sighed.

BLOOPERS!

As Scout poked the camera firmly with his finger, the camera fell off its podium and lay there, giving a view of the ceiling.

"Ummm…I think I broke it." The Scout said sheepishly off-screen and the Director's voice was resigned.

"I've heard that line so many times in my career."

BLOOPERS!

"Yo, what's up?" the RED Scout asked casually as he poked the BLU Heavy and the Heavy answered.

"Ow, my eye."

"…Dat's ONE way ya could answer dat question." Scout laughed a little as he inspected him. "Sorry dude, ya okay?"

"Da, it's fine."

"Cut, we'll take a break." Said the Director kindly.

Mission Objective complete.

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><p>Alright, shot chapter over. Another one of these will be coming up soon, so don't go away! Please review!<p> 


	12. Chapter 12

**100 Missions.**

Okay, here are the bloopers to Meet the Soldier. Please enjoy this fanfic chapter.

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><p>12th Objective: Bloopers of Meet the Soldier.<p>

"Alright…ACTION!" called the Director.

"If fighting is sure to result in death…then you got no chance, buster. Sun Tzu said that." RED Soldier deadpanned and the RED Demoman cracked up.

"Such a straight face for a screw up." Laughed the Director.

BLOOPERS!

As the RED Soldier swept his arm in a flourish, caught up in his lines, he accidently knocked the plastic heads off the fence. As he fumbled to catch them, the cameraman sniggered.

"Cut!"

BLOOPERS!

One of the Soldier's rockets flew right over the BLU Pyro's head, destroying a large crate full of explosives.

"My aim's normally better than that." He commented, scratching his head as the Demomen and Pyros oohed at the spectacle.

"Cut!"

BLOOPERS!

The RED Soldier slurped a cola happily, unaware that the camera was ready and recording him. He felt the impatient stares of the others and turned quickly.

"Oh damn…are we starting? Sorry, sorry!"

The cola can that he threw aside hit RED Spy in the face.

"Oh mon dieu!"

BLOOPERS!

As the Soldier twisted round with the shovel to hit BLU Spy in the jaw, he stumbled and accidently let go.

"Whoops!"

The shovel hit the poor RED Sniper in the crotch.

"GAAAH!" he squeaked.

"I used to be a warrior like you…then I took a shovel to the crotch." BLU Scout snarked and a few members snickered unwillingly.

"Oh no…I'm sorry, Bilbo Baggins!" RED Soldier cried, hurrying to check on his team-mate. "It's not…stuck there, is it?"

"Why would you say that?" Sniper wheezed and the Director hurriedly cut the scene.

BLOOPERS!

"GO!" the Director shouted.

"And then he herded them on to a boat and he beat the CRAP outta every single one…and that's the story of Noah's Ark."

Everyone died laughing.

Mission Objective completed.

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><p>Meet the Soldier is done and dusted! Hope you liked it. By the way, these are the original TF2 characters. R&amp;R<p> 


	13. Chapter 13

**100 Missions.**

This one has a different feel to the others. It's not funny and it's rather dark. Sorry for the downer, but I did imply at the beginning that not all of these one shots would make you laugh. Apologies if it wasn't clear.

This was written to Uninstall, a brilliant Japanese song whose singer I can't remember. Look it up and please review as well.

Disclaimer: I don't own TF2 in any way.

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><p>13th Objective: Respawn Unnoticed.<p>

The first time he'd seen a team-mate die, it had jolted him to his very core, but he'd remembered Respawn's comforting presence.

That little jolt, the feeling of horror…it didn't go away though.

The BLU Medic had seen so many deaths over his contracted time with BLU that it was like a sick joke as it always appeared to be the same friends over and over again, like they were stuck in an endless time loop.

A man with a gentle, caring personality and a medical career…it was only a matter of time before he forgot about Respawn's now taunting existence and broke down.

The first to die was Demoman.

It had all been so simple, so routine! How could it all become so final and so wrong?

The Scot's life had ended with one bullet to the brain, his body jerking to the dirt in front of Elias' bright blue eyes.

"No!" His cry was reflexive and Soldier had patted his shoulder in brisk sympathy.

"It's always bad to lose a team member at a time like this."

His gruff voice – shockingly casual, almost dismissive! Had war really hardened his heart that much?

Elias couldn't stop the tears from falling as he prayed for Demoman's soul and for its safe journey to Heaven that night.

The little Medic started seeing him everywhere on the battlefield, his solitary figure haunting the edges of his vision. He became convinced that his ghost was angry for the lack of vengeance. Explosions ripped through the tense air and Medic could never stop flinching.

The Scout joined him next and Medic stopped spending time with the rest of the team, hiding his harsh emotions and fresh tears behind closed doors. The two deceased members followed him everywhere, laughing as they drank together, only to disappear as he whipped round, hair ruffled and sapphire eyes wide beneath glasses askew. Engineer asked him several times whether he was alright and all Medic could do was nod and run away, white coat flapping behind him as he hid behind work as an excuse to flee down the barren concrete corridors.

The Soldier went down in trademark style, cackling madly amidst fire and rockets, going down with one last defiant breath amongst dust and blood. Medic had only screamed his name, being dragged behind Heavy as Damon yelled at him in German to stop wasting time and hurry up.

That evening was the time for Elias to almost break his spine digging graves in privacy behind the imposing building of BLU and flinging all three corpses into their respective holes under the dying crimson sun. He sealed them with the soil taken from the ground and stuck makeshift crosses on each pile. Before his terrified eyes of steely sky, Jane put a broad hand on his slimmer shoulder for one final time, whispering a compliment before his form dissipated into a silver swirl, sinking into the cross.

Medic cried himself to sleep.

Only to jolt awake and run with their blank eyes looking past him to Damon's door, knocking on it desperately and hissing his name in fear and sadness. One concerned look into pools of blue and Damon's massive bear hug helped him to escape the nightmares of the truth.

He was going mad. He had to be. Three ghosts couldn't bear the same grudge against him, right?

You didn't save us…

Emmett the BLU Spy died saving HIM of all people, dying under the knife of his RED counterpart.

Spy stabbing Spy…how cruelly ironic.

"Go...capture ze point." he said with a smile and liquid blood leaking out of his mouth.

Elias shook him stubbornly, letting the limp body flop until Pyro took him away with a loud, muffled exclamation and pounding feet under heavy gunfire and chaos.

As the doctor lay beside his new grave under the eyes of the sparkling heavens in the night, he remembered how fast all of their deaths had been. Spy sat up with a calm aura, smoking a fine cigarette and he said how beautiful this evening was.

How appropriate.

He almost grew used to their ominous presence everywhere, enjoying themselves in this limbo at the expense of his misery.

They played cards together while he sat at Harry and Damon's sides, clutching the giant Russian's clean sleeve as the brunette watched Scotland, Seth, Jane and Emmett try and best each other at poker, Seth the Scout actually standing up at one point with the cards fluttering around him in the well-lit living area, taunting Scotland as Jane and Emmett bantered in a friendly manner.

It was almost as if they were alive again…

Heavy's demise was the final straw.

"Look out, doctor!"

Elias would have gladly traded his life for his dear friend at that moment, but Damon played the hero.

"NO, DAMON!"

Elias' lungs pushed out air into the highest ear-splitting scream anyone had ever heard from the normally quiet and stoic medicine man as he dropped his Medigun, blue life still streaming from the nozzle. Seeing Heavy's large body riddled with thousands of bullets from RED Heavy's gun and the light leaving friendly grey windows that held no regret…

Elias couldn't dig his grave tonight.

The hulking mass fell towards him in slow motion as Elias ran with all his might to catch his head in his lap. Tears dripped like a sentient waterfall on to the dead Russian's chest and he wailed his woes to the mocking cloudless sky, orbs of sea overflowing with remorse and shame.

"I didn't vant it to end like zis!"

The once noisy battlefield had ceased to be, silence covering it like a crippling blanket. No man showed fear and grief on the field for his comrades…what was happening here? The shock yelled out that question for each mercenary to hear.

Grief tearing open his fragile heart, Elias pushed himself away from the body and fled, sprinting like a deer away from the scene of horror and panting as the tears mixed with seat and grime born from despair. The landscape flew by, whirling together with too many memories.

"Nein, NEIN!" he shrieked as he saw the fence loom up ahead, flashes of ghosts of the deceased around every corner.

The BLU Medic flung himself up against the chain link fence, hammering at it and gripping it between his gloved fingers in feral desperation. The German rattled it back and forth in an effort to escape the slaughter.

"NEIN! Let me go, let me go!"

The male spotted his friends on the other side, their hands extended in an inviting way – all five of them. Medic stretched his arm as far as it would go, reaching out longingly, insanely.

"I vill join you! LET ME GO! LET ME GO!"

Footsteps behind him, watching sadly as the Medic thrashed at the cold fence and babbled rapidly in crazed German, his eyes wild behind their flashing glasses.

"Oh Doc…what's happened to you?"

The report of a rifle and a pinched pain in Medic's neck.

"Nein…"

A whimper and the exhausted man slumped to the earth, too tired to fight anymore.

The Heavy exited out of the Respawn next to the tragic play, stunned into silence like all the other combatants.

The BLU Sniper lowered the Sydney Sleeper in sorrow and tipped down the brim of his brown hat.

"Sorry Elias."

Damon crossed over in front of the REDs and fellow BLUs and touched the wet face of his brother in arms.

"Respawn is still here. We will never be free." He whispered.

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><p>That was emotional for me…phew. Anyway…yes, the BLU Medic has gone nuts after being amongst death for so long. Some of the things he sees are hallucinations and some are his frayed mind mistaking his friends for ghosts. But which is which?<p>

Please review and Elias will hug you forever.


	14. Chapter 14

**100 Missions.**

This is kind of a crossover with Hetalia – Axis Powers. I think that there has been one or two of these on the internet (in one form or another) and I like both fandoms. So why not?

Please review.

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><p>14th Objective – World Meeting.<p>

It was a beautiful day for a World Meeting. All of the people representing their bosses and citizens shuffled into the conference room, wondering whether actual progress would be made or how long this pointless meeting would take so they could go home and chill out.

"Alright everyone! This meeting can now commence! As the hosting nation (in my beloved city of New York), I think I should go first. Also, I'm the hero so everyone has to listen to me!"

America (or Pippin P Jones) grinned widely at his already annoyed audience, blue eyes sparkling.

"Okay, so about the whole global warming thing, I have a great idea that involves a space project to the Sun! I call it…Operation Global Crisis!" The idiotic country looked rather pleased with himself as he pointed to his PowerPoint presentation. At least he was enthusiastic.

"That's a silly idea. Blowing up the Sun will just kill us all." Guy Kirkland (England, the representative of the UK to you and me) stated calmly, taking a sip of his drink.

"Well, I'm gorgeous, so maybe we could use money raised from moi modelling career to invest in a fabulous parasol for ze Earth's complexion, oui?" Emmett Bleu (or France) replied, running a hand through immaculate hair in a suggestive manner. "And zen we can all get laid!"

"Shut it, you cheese eating surrender monkey!" Guy yelled in outrage, standing up and getting mad at his rival. "You're uglier than a pig's backside, so that won't work at all!"

"'Ow dare you!" France squealed in mock hurt.

"Both of your ideas suck because I'm the hero of this meeting!"

"Oh wow, this is getting out of hand." China (Dustin Wang) sighed. "Why can't we just grow up and get along?" he asked as he tried to make himself heard over the squabbling.

"No way!" The two rivals were now fighting physically and America laughed excitedly at all of the action.

Russia just smiled, producing his iron pipe from nowhere and stroking it threateningly.

"I'm sure we could all just quieten down, da?" Ivan Karkaroffski beamed innocently and the rising noise levels ceased as the whole room's temperature dropped by a few degrees.

"D-Danke, mein kamerad…" Ludwig Hans (Germany) stuttered momentarily before regaining his composure. "Alright, vould anyone else care to comment on America's 'grand plan' before ve dismiss it und move on?"

"I agree with America- san…" Japan (or Harry Honda) replied quietly, his eyes drifting off elsewhere as Switzerland slammed a fist on to the conference table.

"Man up or I'll beat you with my peace prize!" Jane barked.

A hand rose from a seat and Ludwig pointed with a sigh.

"Ja?"

Feliciano Paris ( ) beamed as he extended one hand forward.

"PAASSTAAAA!"

A chorus of agreements sprang up.

"Yeah mates, when can we eat?" Australia (Joey Osbourne) piped up and Scotland (appropriately named Scotland Yard and conveniently standing in for the Republic of Ireland that day) slurred something obtuse as he lay face down on the table.

Greece (Heracles Haraway) snored in his comfy chair and Austria, named Elias Franz, wasn't even listening anymore. He had Ipod headphones plugged into his ears and was letting the sweet sound of Chopin grace his eardrums.

It took a cup creepily floating in the air by itself to startle the other nations into silence.

"Bloody hell." England whispered.

Italy led the charge for the exit with an unmanly scream, being followed immediately by America. Nearly every country ran behind, all of them afraid at the ghost in the room (Denmark, or Lance being especially vocal about cursed buildings).

Ludwig laid his head down on the wooden table.

"Vhy must I handle zis alone?"

"But I'm here, you hoser!" Canada's voice said just above a whisper and his polar bear cub stared up at Oliver Williams with its cute chubby face.

"Who are you?" it asked in a high pitch and Canada sighed sadly.

"I'm Canada!"

Mission Objective complete.

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><p>And there we go. I mixed up the names of everyone to suit their countries and I based their allotted countries on their personalities and actual nationalities. Sorry if any of you are confused and I hope you know who is who. I was also kind of sad that I didn't get any reviews for chapter thirteen. Is it because it was a serious chapter? Please let me know! Thanks for reading!<p> 


	15. Chapter 15

**100 Missions.**

This is an idea I came up with myself this time! *laughs* Anyway, what inspired moi for this was a Deviant picture of the RED Sniper with a pet snake. And so, I decided that there should be a humorous, heart-warming tale about one BLU Sniper and his new snake. Enjoy!

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><p>15th Objective: New Pet.<p>

The air had been humid at Badwater when Joey the BLU Sniper found a lifelong companion, someone he could talk to while up in his nest and share his deepest, darkest feelings with.

No, it wasn't an attractive woman fan character.

And while we're at it, it wasn't the BLU or RED Spy either, so get your minds out of the gutter.

Ahem.

It was a harmless rock snake (well, the man labelled it as that but he couldn't remember what the hooded varieties were called. Hangovers were a bitch) that Joey fell in love with the instant he laid eyes upon its beautiful mottled skin.

There's no beastiality in this story either. You fellow writers make me shudder sometimes.

The Australian almost fell on it when he'd tripped over a fairly prominent rock running away from the RED Heavy's hail of gunfire. Rubbing the dirt off his face, the man chanced a glance behind him, feeling relieved when he saw that Adrik was distracted by Emmett, their BLU Spy. So, without a care in the world, he took a look over his surroundings and blue eyes fell upon the snake.

"Hello, beaut!" he muttered quietly in glee, warily shifting to pick up his fallen SMG. The snake seemed suspiciously still and Joey thought it was dead at first.

He refused to consider the possibility of it being a story piece of wire or pipe because that would just be an embarrassment to his Australian heritage. He already had nightmares regarding Saxton Hale's knowledge of his secret membership to the British Tea Party Society as it was!

Then he noticed a semi-deep scratch running along the side of its long body and how its tail twitched occasionally.

"There's a good fella…" he crooned as he fearlessly scooped the injured creature out of the dirt, frowning at the infected wound. "You've been in the wars, ey?"

It might be involved in the actual war raging around him if he didn't get a move on. Listening to its feeble hissing, the Sniper cradled it in the crook of his arm, while his other hand gripped the glinting gun tightly.

"Time ta run!" he said cheerfully and fled for the relative safety of the BLU base, hearing the Admin's naggy old voice telling his team that they had failed with the utmost contempt.

The Sniper hid inside the first aid cabinet while RED ran around killing his friends like deadly headless chickens. Speaking of chicken, he decided to have some chicken for dinner tonight. Yum.

When he was sure the coast was finally clear, the BLU sharpshooter stretched as he got awkwardly out of the cupboard, feeling and catching the sound of several joints cracking.

"Time ta get you fixed, mate." He spoke to the sweetheart in his arms with a worried voice and strode with his lanky legs to his sniping nest, grabbing a first aid kit as he went, ignoring the moans of his team-mates as they filed out of Respawn to Jane's yells. Once he was inside the nest, he tucked the snake in a makeshift bed comprising of several winter coats.

"That ought ta keep you warm for a tick." He mumbled, half to himself, half to the snake.

After using the first aid kit, he stayed up with his snake, frightened that it would die while his eyes were closed. He didn't dare take it to Medic for fear of dissection. Luckily for him and his companion, the reptile went from strength to strength, accepting every morsel from his hand with the tameness of a puppy and growing strong enough to start following him around the sniper's box. Its favourite past time was slithering up his arm, entwining itself until it reached his tender neck, where it would slacken its hold and slumber happily draped around his shoulders, like a smooth scarf. He cut himself off from his team even more in favour of having long conversations with his little friend while it recovered.

He decided one day that it was time for Saxton (he finally got round to finding out his gender) to be introduced to the other BLUs as he idly watched the pet named after his hero slip his tongue out to test the air.

"C'mon Sax, let's meet BLU." He murmured softly, gathering up the rock snake. Saxton hissed, content with his master's warmth. Grinning widely in triumph, Joey strode to BLU's kitchen with the cool pet wrapped lovingly around his neck as usual.

"Holy jeeze Louise, what is THAT?" Jane squealed like a girl as Sniper approached the metallic surroundings.

"Dude, how did you get a cobra to be so tame?" Chazz asked in utter awe while Seth just shrugged.

"Cool cobra, man."

Sniper stroked the cobra's nose absently as he glanced at it.

"Oh yeah, THAT'S what you are. Thanks for reminding me."

"How can you be so casual? Those things are evil!" Soldier shrieked, causing the snake to rise from his cosy spot in the crook of Sniper's neck and spread its hood.

"Now now, behave." Joey said sternly, lightly pressing a finger to the back of its neck, just below its hood. It relaxed instantly. "He's not evil. This is Saxton, my cobra snake. Say 'ello, mates."

Soldier refused to go near him.

"That thing hates me."

Scout was too lazy to get up as usual and Scotland was too wasted to even move from the floor.

Damon moved forward in fascination, dragging a wary little Medic with him.

"Is beautiful, da? Cleopatra died at the fangs of one of these, according to legend, marking the fall of Ancient Egypt." The giant Russian whispered, gingerly reaching out for the creature's scales.

Elias watched and clung to his friend's short sleeve for an anchor, not really understanding all of the English.

"I'll think he'll allow ya to hold him if you're careful." Sniper replied casually, carefully unhooking the snake to hand to the Heavy and Soldier whimpered.

"Executing a tactical retreat!" he squeaked and fled as fast as his booted legs would carry him out of the metal door.

"Wimp." Harry chuckled as he came to investigate too.

Emmett waited patiently for his turn, a wicked smile curving across his narrow face as an idea for a new prank began to form.

"Gentlemen…I have an idea."

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><p>When RED shut off their indoor lights for the night, they had no idea that they would get little sleep. Joey snickered along with Emmett and Chazz as he quickly set Saxton loose in the air vents.<p>

"Make me proud, Saxton."

The snake hissed almost lovingly as it slid out of Joey's outstretched, calloused hand and pushed its body into the vent. From there, he used his senses, his forked tongue flickering as he felt the body heat and heard the breathing of the sleeping REDs.

Saxton navigated through the dark to the RED Soldier's room.

* * *

><p>When Lance's girlish scream echoed throughout the base twenty five minutes later, the BLUs perched outside listening fell about laughing in glee. Raised voices in Scottish Gaelic, Russian and English made them laugh even more as they sounded panicked and confused.<p>

"What the hell is happenin' ya crazy man?" RED Scout yelled.

"SNAKE! IN MY BED – OH MY!"

A thud as the "manliest" member of RED fainted.

"We need to catch it, da?"

More curses, this time in Welsh and German.

"Scheisse! Vhat is vrong vith you schweinhunds?"

"Can't a Welshman get his sleep, twpsyn bach!"

Amidst the chaos, the cobra made his way through the men teasingly wrapping a tail round a few ankles. Then a foot nearly came down on his head and Saxton's survival instincts kicked in and his hood popped out either side as he raised his upper body up in front of the frozen mercenaries. He spat venom and hissed.

"Holy mother of god!"

Then the stampede to escape ensued.

Felix tucked Saxton into his arm fearlessly, unnoticed in the entire ruckus.

Minutes later, he found Joey, Emmett and Chazz barely able to breathe for laughing. With one more gentle caress and a French compliment, the RED Spy sent Saxton back to his master.

Saxton and Joey were hailed as heroes the next day when RED didn't show up to battle and BLU won by default.

Felix took Lance to the Spy's usual therapy session.

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><p>Alright, a few things were twisted to suit my story. After all, I can't remember all of the facts about snakes. If you want to enlighten me or give me new ideas for the next chapter, I'd be delighted to accept them.<p>

Review and toodle pip!


	16. Chapter 16

**100 Missions.**

Just take it…this is the best I can manage in the light of the new Meet the Pyro. I can finally complete my Meet the Bloopers chapters, for all nine are complete!

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><p>16th Objective: Bloopers of Meet the Pyro.<p>

"Action!"

The RED Pyro walked forward slowly, crunching the Medic's glasses and being menacing.

Then he tripped over a piece of rubble and fell flat on to his masked face.

"Ow." Came the muffled response and giggles were heard as the Director shouted,

"Cut!"

BLU Pyro went over to check on his counterpart.

"You okay?"

"Heehee, I'm so clumsy!"

**BLOOPERS!**

The BLU Sniper, minus his hat, jumped out of a window and landed on his front. Winded, he pulled himself along and grabbed at the nearest thing.

"HELP!" he yelled, looking up.

It was a wooden cow.

"Aw piss."

"CUT!"

"Quick, give it my flamethrower; we can still make this scene work!" RED Pyro cried with a grin and the BLU Sniper howled with laughter.

"Aw nah, mate! Not the cow!" he giggled in mock fear.

"Moo." Deadpanned the Director and everyone laughed.

**BLOOPERS!**

As the Pyro stepped away from the door that was barred with his axe, the BLU Medic tried to get out frantically.

"NO!"

One of the doors fell down at his touch.

"Um…I thought _I_ was destroying the scenery."

"Whoops, zhat vas naughty of me!" the BLU Medic trilled before chuckling.

"You people sure are expensive…" the Director said with a sigh as he made the signal for the scene to be stopped.

**BLOOPERS!**

"I am scared of no man!" the RED Heavy proclaimed, shrouded in shadow before leaning towards the camera. "But that THING…it scares me."

"Why you no love me?"

A Pyro puppet with a high-pitched, squeaky voice popped out of nowhere and waggled about in front of the Heavy and everyone cracked with childish glee.

"Oh, zat's lovely." BLU Spy tittered as he poked the puppet on the end of the RED Pyro's arm. "May I 'ug it?"

"Mph, mph!" Pyro slid his mask back on and opened the Pyro puppet's arms.

Spy carefully hugged it.

"Awww…"

The Director was too busy laughing to say anything.

**BLOOPERS!**

The RED Spy stared thoughtfully at his cigarette as he came to the end of his philosophical musings, gorgeous blue eyes shining in the half light.

The end of his cigarette fell off.

The Spy stared at it some more, his lips pursed to try and keep himself from losing it. But he snorted and dissolved into fits of amusement, bringing laughter to everyone else as well.

"Want me to light you a new one, luv?" The RED Pyro appeared with his flamethrower and speaking in a Cockney accent and the RED Spy whipped out his book of cigarettes, breathing and looking dramatically.

"Oui."

"Cut."

"And then they lived happily ever after. The end." The RED Sniper said solemnly and people laughed.

**BLOOPERS!**

The flare sailed right over the Scout's head.

"FAIL!" BLU Scout yelped.

"Cut!"

**BLOOPERS!**

The BLU Soldier twitched (minus the hole in his chest, for that would be added with CGI later) and collapsed.

The Pyro started to whistle as he walked away through the flames.

"DED." The Soldier put up a hand within view of the camera and put on a Russian accent.

Everyone laughed.

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><p>And there you have it. The bloopers of Valve's best video to date. The eyes of the Spy in that were gorgeous (I may have blushed a bit, as you can probably tell by this fic. XD).<p>

Love Lily. X


	17. Chapter 17

**100 Missions.**

Hi, it's your average fanfiction author here! =D Hilarious Bread has already started us off on serious homages to Meet the Pyro (beat me to it actually) and you should check it out. I started off the funny side to Meet the Pyro, but now I'm trying my hand at the serious side too. This chapter was based off a question that popped into my head when watching Valve's latest creation; where was the BLU Pyro? Seriously, I didn't see him/her the entire time. Did any of you?

Anyway, this is what I believe could have taken place afterwards. Enjoy and review.

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><p>17th Objective – The Other One.<p>

No.

No…he is too late.

Goddammit!

Why didn't he hurry it up? They could have been saved!

He remembers the moment his peace was shattered by the call from the frightened BLU Engineer, the moment it went wrong because the BLU Engineer was NEVER afraid! He's always calm and jolly!

What happened to him?

What happened to all of his team mates here?

The Pyro remembers hitting the gas in his neat little car, stepping it up to push his poor engine to the limit – they needed him and he wasn't going to wait around like a coward – speed limits be damned! Their screams filtered through the speaker of the transmission device and oh god, the BLU Sniper shouldn't scream like that ever again, because it tore through his very core and sounded inhuman. He'd run a hand hurriedly through his chopped hair, stressed and cursing at his car – OH COME ON!

Tearing down highways and valley roads hadn't been enough.

He is too late and watches the glorious orange of the RED demon's fire climb higher into the dark sky. If this had been an ordinary bonfire, BLU Pyro would have happily watched it for hours.

But it isn't, so he doesn't.

His breathing escalates through his gas mask that he fumbled with on his way out of his vehicle, trusty flamethrower and shotgun strapped to his flame-proof suit. If RED Pyro is still here, gloating amongst the ashes, he'll get an unwanted surprise.

"Oh man, oh man…" he mutters, his voice muffled as usual. "Why did he do this to you all?"

He starts to walk cautiously, his boots crunching on charred dirt and debris (he's pretty sure there are bones mixed in too). Smoke rises gently through the air, obscuring his path and making him grateful that he'd thought about bringing his gas mask in the first place. Something sticks out of the ground in the choking heat and Pyro gasps when he realises that it's the burned body of his friend, the Scout.

Burned beyond recognition.

It's the same with the Sniper, only his remains look even worse, twisted with an undead grin. And who knows what befell Engie? BLU Pyro falls to his knees as he sees the BLU Heavy with an axe to his head, the Soldier with a hole going straight through his chest. There is no blood – that evaporated in the intense heat.

This isn't a normal battlefield, this is the scene of murder and homicidal slaughter. He's never grasped how insane his RED counterpart truly is. He burns people on the opposite team for a living…but he'd NEVER resort to this for his kicks.

This isn't real, this isn't actually happening.

The BLU Pyro glances behind him, away from the new graveyard as he registers the grilled pile of a barn. He spots the BLU Medic's broken glasses and fried glove nearby and fury starts to build inside his heart. That cold-hearted son of a bitch! He'd trapped poor Medic inside and left him to roast and scream! What kind of man could do that? What had Medic ever done against RED Pyro to receive that kind of punishment? He could only imagine the fear Medic had felt…

No…that Pyro wasn't a man…he wasn't even human! A monster in RED clothes…

He can't cry, not yet.

Mustn't cry.

A snap.

Pyro whips round fully, squinting through tinted lenses and twisting smoke as a figure staggers blindly through the acrid fog. He readies his weapons, just in case the maniac comes back for Round Two. The shape swoons by what little of the barn is left standing upright and the Pyro realises to his delight and relief that BLU Spy is the humanoid shape – he lives! He survived, praise be! As he approaches carefully, he comes to the conclusion that dear Spy is on his last legs. The man shivers on his knees, leaning with both arms beating weakly against the black barn door as he sobs with grief, tugging with no effort at the strangely untouched fire axe that barred the Medic's chances of freedom.

That psycho definitely arrived prepared.

French tumbles out of the Spy's dry and cracked mouth as BLU Pyro stops beside the mournful scene and he cringes when Spy peaks upwards and screams, pale as a ghost at the sight of him, landing on his back and scrambling to escape. He forgets how alike the costumes are…

"Hey, hey! It's alright, friend! I'm your friend, I'm BLU – look, right here, I'm wearing blue!

Dropping the weapons, BLU Pyro rips off his mask quickly, holding up his gloved hands for good measure as the Spy lowers his revolver with trembling hands and wide eyes. Crouching down in front of the terrified comrade, he opens his arms.

"You're safe with me now."

Tears well up in the Spy's soft sapphire eyes and run tracks down his sooty face. He bursts into heart-wrenching wails and throws himself into BLU Pyro's warm arms, his silky hair matted and a bit frazzled at the ends, poking through holes in his own ruined balaclava. Pyro comforts his traumatised friend as he remembers how BLU Spy had been petrified of RED Pyro and his fire of death before this massacre. It affected their interactions and made everyone aware of Spy's pyrophobia.

This is probably the final nail in the coffin, poor thing.

Spy clings to him and cries in big, raspy gasps, coughing on the smoke around him.

"I'm so tired…"

"I know, I know. I'm going to bring you to our base and everyone will be there, respawned and healthy, you wait and see." Pyro replies quietly, trying to fool himself and Spy at the same time.

It's not fair…

Everything WILL be fine though. They're all tagged into Respawn and the others are most likely waiting impatiently, wondering with concern where the hell Spy and Pyro had got to. Medic will patch Spy up and sit with his patient for a whole night with a kind, tired smile, holding his hand. Heavy and Scout will be friendly and give him a sandwich and a can of Bonk. Soldier and Demo will slap them both gruffly on the back and Engie will feel no shame in grabbing them both for a tight, fatherly hug. They will need therapy, but BLU will be together.

Pyro wants his wonderful thoughts to spring to life.

Somehow, he has a feeling they won't.

"I want to go home. Take me home." Spy pleads in a hoarse whisper and Pyro takes a moment to release the fragile French man (he whimpers at the loss of contact) and straps on his weapons before picking up his injured companion and cradling him gently in his stronger arms.

"D-Don't leave me."

"I won't." Pyro says firmly.

He is a master of the flame, an expert in his field and he navigates through the dying inferno with ease. The car is just up ahead – he skidded it as close to the scene as he dared – and Pyro knows for certain that RED Pyro is gone, waltzing in his sick dreams of devastation.

"Where are we going?" the Spy murmurs, slowly fainting in Pyro's grip and his saviour shakes him to keep him awake in response.

The man is frail, suit torn, burnt and bleeding all over Pyro's clean outfit, but did he have a lucky escape! Spy's forever adept at winning dances with danger.

"I hid and ran…"

"Shh…we're here at my car. Try and be comfortable and nap a little. You need your strength."

Pyro kicks open the ajar door with a booted foot and Spy blinks wearily.

"Oui…merci, mon ami."

It's hard to pry the Spy off his body, he's snuggled in so close, but Spy settles soon enough in the passenger seat and painfully puts the seatbelt on himself. Pyro doesn't look back (has to be strong for Spy) and is angry that he can't bury his friends respectfully and properly. He drives off immediately, weapons carelessly thrown on to the worn back seat.

He'll get them both to BLU base safely. He'll tend to the Spy's cuts and bruises and raw burns (helping the Medic do his job because he'll be there waiting, he has to be!) and stay up with him all night to let him cry and hold his hand (he won't be there, no, Medic is dead).

And when that's done, he's going to go out.

That swine took away seven members of his family. He stomped all over his team, just like the rest of those RED dogs and scared them to death.

Pyro's had enough.

He's going to find those heartless bastards and burn every single one to their knees, drive their success into the cold, hard ground. He's going to have the last showdown with the monster and he's going to win! He's protecting his last family member with his own life.

Because BLU Pyro is a force to be reckoned with. He lives, eats and breathes fire; it boils in his blood and rages in the pits of his heart and soul. That RED Pyro thought he could play with and tame fire?

BLU Pyro is going to teach him the lesson his momma should have taught him when he was a kid.

Fire likes to bite back.

Never light a fire you can't handle.

Pyro sneaks a glance at the sleeping, twitching Spy with a sad smile.

Yes…revenge is going to be served nice and hot.

Mission Objective complete.

* * *

><p>Phew, that was long. I think I've been reading HoKaze's epic story a bit too much lately – there is a heroic speech at the end. XD Anyway, I listened to Undying Love by Two Steps to Hell and To Die For from the first Lion King movie soundtrack. I also listened to Dethklok's opening theme from their TV show for some reason. Hope you enjoyed and review but the new review thing is weird. I prefer to call your "comments" reviews. XD<p> 


	18. Chapter 18

**100 Missions.**

Hiya! A chapter for you that begins a new series of my own creation called TF2 Teaches! This has a similar title to TF2 Reacts, in which you get to choose what they teach you next, but it's the lunatics teaching you how to accomplish certain life skills. You can be sure that it won't be smooth sailing.

Have a happy read!

* * *

><p>18th Objective: TF2 Teaches Road Safety!<p>

The BLU Soldier and Demoman stand by a busy highway with giant, forced grins on their faces.

"Remind me why we're doing this again?" Soldier says from the corner of his mouth and Scotland quirks his lips in response.

"We're gittin' paid."

They both stand a little taller as they realise they're supposed to start the show.

"Hi and welcome to TF2 Teaches!" Scotland cries and Jane salutes.

"Yes, that's right; we're here to teach you sorry maggots a few lessons or two about life! So listen up pal, or you won't live to see the next sunrise!" he barks from under his helmet and Demoman sighs at the decorum going straight out of the window.

"Today, we're gonna teach ye road safety. If ye want ta save yerselves from being road kill, then this'll save yer. Firstly, we're gonna teach ye the basic rules – Stop, Look and Listen!"

"Did you all hear that? STOP, LOOK AND LISTEN, MAGGOTS."

"I…I think they got it, boyo." Demoman mutters, kicking the loud fighter in the booted shin and cursing when his toes hurt instead.

Jane laughs, and then stops abruptly.

"We're going to demonstrate this with our BLU Scout!"

The BLU Scout appears at a street corner, not looking very happy about being used as a guinea pig.

"What? I ain't crossing the road for some dumb kids!"

An anvil falls on his head.

"OW! Alright, I'll do it! Jeez Louise!"

"FIRST, ye must look around for oncoming cars!" Demoman says, wagging a finger at Scout when Seth only takes a bored glance to the right. "PROPERLY now!"

Seth sighs, but does it correctly.

"This would be better if ye were at a zebra crossing or a set of traffic lights, for those are designated areas for pedestrians." Scotland continues.

"Then, when you're sure it's safe and you can't hear anything coming, YOU CROSS FOR YOUR LIFE, SUNSHINE!" Jane screeches, running out into the road with Seth walking casually in front.

"And if a car should happen to appear, you stop!"

"What?" Seth looks back in shock as the crazy BLU stops in the middle in front of an oncoming truck. "Dude, what are you doing?"

"And then you challenge the car to a fight for the right to use this road for crossing! To best it in the ring of honour!" Soldier continues, brandishing his shovel and advancing on the poor driver. "And then you beat the ever loving crap out of it!"

The BLU starts smacking the car with the shovel while the driver gets out and starts shouting that he's going to call the cops. BLU Soldier jumps on the bonnet with a grin.

"I'm outta here!" Scout cries and zips away, leaving BLU Demoman to stand, shaking his head and moaning.

"FIGHT ME, YOU MORON! THIS IS FOR THE GOOD OF AMERICAN CHILDREN EVERYWHERE!"

"It's a good thing I already don't remember this."

Sirens wail and the camera drops on its side as the BLU Demoman scarpers and leaves Jane to his doom.

Mission Objective complete.

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><p>And that's the end of that. I know traffic laws are different in other countries, so tell me if I confused you.<p>

Good god, the Meet the Pyro…twas beautiful. I nearly sobbed and had my hands holding both sides of my head to keep my brain from falling out the entire time. Those poor BLUs…

Yes, I still haven't got over it.

It is by far the BEST Meet the – EVER. The other members of RED are BABIES!

I may have to continue the last chapter as many are asking whether it was just a one-shot. I have the showdown in my head…oh, but I don't know. Tell me what you think in the reviews.


	19. Chapter 19

**100 Missions.**

I watched Tangled the other day with my mum and little sister and afterwards, I started listening to Ever Ever After by Carrie Underwood, used at the end of Enchanted (as you can see, I am a big Disney fan). It gave me the idea of writing a TF2 fairy tale.

Enjoy!

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><p>19th Objective: Once Upon a Time.<p>

A lot of fairy tales start out that way, don't they? It's one of the characteristics that makes them a fairy tale! So, I'm going to remain faithful to the tradition and say that line to push this story off.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who worked for Builders League United – BLU for short. He always wore a gas mask, so nobody really knew who he was or what gender he was. The name of this man…he was only known by his class name.

The Pyro.

Because many people never saw his face and could only see how good he was at his job, they whispered terrible rumours behind his back and were afraid of him. This made the secretly kind – hearted, childish Pyro a very lonely person. Nobody ever really took the time to know him and many of his own team mates shunned him in fear that they would be consumed by his flames. He only possessed one friend and he was called the Engineer. Pyro loved to listen to Engineer when he read to him and sat cross legged on the floor for hours on end until his bum grew sore, just to hear his friend's warm voice speak the lines that came to life before his very covered eyes. He'd once asked Engineer whether fairy tales actually came true and could be a true goal to be claimed by everyone.

Pyro always remembered Engie's answer.

"Well, I think so, yes. After all, everything has a beginning and an end. And if the ending don't work…you can go back to the beginning to try again."

Pyro sincerely took those words to heart and constantly dreamt of his own fairy tale.

One day though…Engineer fell gravely ill.

It started as a normal cough but by the end of the week, he became bedridden, lying in a coma. No matter what their good BLU Medic tried, it was to no avail. Only the Medigun seemed to keep him stable. Of course, the eight members of BLU were very upset, but Pyro was broken-hearted and remained stubborn in his resolve to try and cure his long – time best friend. Night and day he stayed in his room and read information on cures for illnesses, all in the hope that he could find the ultimate miracle for his dying friend.

Finally, just when he was about to give up, Pyro came across a dusty, worn book located deep in an abandoned library past the BLU Intel room at Teufort. He couldn't believe what he discovered.

A silver rose, said to have the power to cure all ailments, lay hidden within its pages.

He would find that rose! For the sake of Engie and for the good of BLU!

What made this more miraculous was that this book was labelled 'The Myths of Teufort Town'. That meant that the flower existed right under their very noses! It had to be true!

It couldn't be a myth!

It just couldn't.

Pyro was willing to tear apart the whole of Teufort looking for that rose.

He visited the Engineer before he left on his journey, a backpack full of things he would need.

"I'm off, Engie. Please be safe for when I get back." He said sadly, patting Engie's hand.

With the rest of his fellow BLUs seeing him off and waving in farewell, BLU Pyro set off on his quest. Following the winding path to Teufort Town, Pyro asked around for information about the silver rose. Strangely, nobody would answer his question, averting their eyes hurriedly as they moved on. Only the barkeeper told him gladly, serving the Pyro a glass of tequila over the counter.

"Ah, you're looking for the Rose of Power!"

Pyro nodded, stirring his umbrella absentmindedly, and told him about the great difficulty he'd had in procuring information. The barkeeper looked around and dropped his voice as he leaned in.

"Yes…you see, that flower has a guardian, a horrible beast that took over the original guardian's duties by force. The poor girl is locked in an abandoned tower, but no one will go near her as they're all afraid of that hideous monster." The bartender explained quietly. "That's also the reason why people dare not speak of the Rose."

Pyro hid a grin as he patted his trusty flamethrower.

"How do I rescue her?"

"You'd be mad to try. There're so many traps that every outsider has failed! And even if you did get to the Guardian, she'd put you through a single test to get your hands on the prize anyway!"

When the Pyro remained stubbornly seated, the bar owner sighed.

"I see there's no putting you off. Alright then, if you want a map and some answers, I suggest you speak to our town elder. Only he remembers the secrets you need."

The BLU thanked the man profusely and paid him in a big cheque, leaving the man to stare after him in wonder.

"What a funny chap."

And so, BLU Pyro set forward on his way to the town elder, confident in his abilities.

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><p>You'll hear more of this fairy tale in a few chapters. I just need to get the rest plotted out in my head. Hope you all like it so far!<p>

And here's a question for you – who do you think the teller of this story is? I'll leave that up for you to decide – but I'm not telling until the end. *winks*


	20. Chapter 20

**100 Missions.**

This fanfiction has hit twenty chapters! Huzzah! Here's a different story. Please review.

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><p>20th Objective: TF2 vs. Final Combat!<p>

They had a lot of nerve, coming into Dustbowl and swaggering about like they owned the place! It was okay (if unusual) at first because the REDs and BLUs assumed that they were a bunch of strangely dressed circus dwellers that were lost. Then they started taking out a variety of weapons that looked like rip-offs of their own (that caused an outraged cry from both Soldiers). To top the icing on the cake, they settled into make-shift bases and were currently using Dustbowl as their own damn battlefield to fight the same fights against each other in colours of red and blue! What the hell?

Who the hell did they think they were?

"They even have women on their teams! What idiot thought THAT was a good idea?" RED Soldier barked angrily as he stared around at the combined forces of RED and BLU.

"I dunno, man. We could use some hot broads." The BLU Scout piped up. "I mean, I dunno about you fellas, but those women looked smoking hot!"

BLU Demoman slapped his teammate's neck in irritation. The two Spies might have had something to say on the matter, but they were currently engaged in a meeting with an alarmed and infuriated Administrator, after the two Medics sounded the alarm regarding the stolen plans of their medical equipment being blatantly flashed about by these intruders. Their equipment and blueprints were top secret, so everyone worried about foreign spies stealing their intelligence.

"They're not even culturally diverse!" complained the RED Pyro. "They're all Asians! I have nothing against Asians - ,"

"I do." Both Soldiers spoke at the same time and they glared at each other.

"However, I'm concerned about what they're doing here and how they found this area in the first place." The RED Pyro continued like he hadn't been interrupted and everyone present nodded.

"Those Snoipers look rubbish, moind. Flashing their body parts for everyone to shoot at." BLU Sniper sneered and vigorous nodding came from his RED counterpart.

"I agree, zhose women vear the most impractical clothing for zheir profession." BLU Medic agreed, shuddering as he thought of the female doctors with those tiny dresses.

A shout of confusion and alarm arose from RED Sniper, who'd placed himself near the window to keep an eye on the warring Asians with his rifle's scope. RED Engineer hurried instantly to his side.

"What's the matter, pardner?" he asked, placing an anxious hand on his comrade's skinny shoulder.

"That crazy Snoiper bitch just killed one of 'er own mates!" RED Sniper withdrew from the window, shock etched on his weathered face.

BLU Heavy's mouth pursed into a thin line.

"Right. Those babies really are gutless COWARDS!"

"Well said, sir!" BLU Soldier shouted. "No man turns on his own!"

RED Soldier warily saluted his fellow American and BLU Solly did it back, nodding curtly.

"What do we do then?" RED Scout questioned, having been surprisingly quiet up until now.

"I believe we can answer zat." A French accent cut in and everyone turned to see the two Spies standing companionably side by side. The BLU Spy cleared his throat after his RED opposite spoke and smiled warmly at both teams.

"Good day, gentlemen. We 'ave Announcer's permission to engage with zis new enemy."

A few cheers rose up from various members and RED Heavy readied his favourite minigun with glee.

"Come Sasha! Let us kill fat men who cannot use a proper minigun!"

"Vait! Vait! Heavy, mein kamerad, we can't just go out zhere and start shooting randomly!" RED Medic cried, raising a gloved hand to hold Heavy back. "They MUST talk first!"

"And if they don't…we'll kill 'em anyway, heh." RED Demoman grinned as he raised his scrumpy bottle in a mocking toast.

"Well, don't this beat all." BLU Engineer muttered under his breath as he carried his toolbox with the rest of the charging teams. He knew that this temporary truce was lucky to have held out.

Some of the intruders noticed the approaching colours immediately and stopped their fighting to stare at these newcomers. It took those on the ground to wave frantically at shooting Snipers and roaring men with rockets to bring the battle to a complete halt. Both sides waited with rising tension as they regarded each other with varying emotions such as contempt or plain nosiness.

RED Spy stepped forward casually, replacing his cigarette as he did so.

"Ladies and gentlemen." He greeted formally and got a few nods.

"They'd better speak goddamn English." RED Soldier whispered to RED Demoman and BLU Spy smirked.

"Don't worry, I will translate anything you simpletons do not understand."

A slim man with a top hat made his way to the front and bowed with a flourish, causing RED Spy to raise an eyebrow.

"A pleasure!" the other replied, crossing his arms as his dark eyes slid up and down the RED Spy's appearance. "May I ask who you are?"

"I am ze RED Spy. I work for Reliable Excavation and Demolition and these are my work companions." He gestured to the other REDs and they waved. "The fine people in blue are our opposition, Builders League United, or BLU. We 'ave formed an alliance to investigate your sudden intrusion upon our battlefield."

The other Spy, for that was what they assumed he was, frowned slightly.

"YOUR battlefield?"

"Oui. The land you all currently stand on is being contested by RED and BLU." Spy answered casually and BLU Soldier raised his voice aggressively as he cut in.

"Yeah and you're screwing it up! Get your non-American asses off MY land, maggots!"

One of the men hoisted his rocket launcher and stomped over.

"Who the hell said this was yours?" he growled and Soldier smirked.

"I don't listen to orders from someone who dresses up like a fireman."

The man looked affronted.

"I am the Rocket, SIR! I do NOT run around with a hosepipe!"

"No, you WEAR pantyhose instead!"

"Gentlemen, please!" RED Spy called impatiently and BLU Soldier backed off.

"I'm gunning for you, you blue fireman."

"Your compatriots are not very friendly." Their Spy remarked and RED Spy shrugged.

"I am not surprised. From what we 'ave seen so far, you 'ave stolen a vast majority of our weapon ideas and blueprints." He said, inspecting his tie. "Furthermore, you 'ave only started working for suspiciously new companies fairly recently."

"How did he know that?" a fat fisherman holding a minigun asked in shock and their Spy face palmed.

"It is surprising what intelligence you can dig up from a fraudulent company." BLU Spy replied and the red-coloured female Sniper leaned provocatively out of her window.

"We're all genuine, handsome." She purred and BLU Spy carefully removed his eyes from her exposed cleavage.

"You have two options! You either tell us how and why you chose to copy us and get out fairly unscathed…or we KILL YOU!" RED Soldier yelled and the red Rocket pushed his infiltrator out of the way.

"Fat chance of those odds happening, coward!" he shouted angrily and RED Soldier seethed.

"That's IT!"

A rocket charged out of his Liberty Launcher and blew up the fake soldier where he stood.

"You leave us no choice, partners!" BLU Engineer sighed and the air was suddenly alight with explosions and booming with noise.

"With me, doctor!" RED Heavy shouted and RED Medic ran faithfully to his side.

In all of the commotion, BLU Spy turned invisible and slipped away to find the enemy's Respawn technology. He had to destroy it once and for all!

BLU Medic instantly found himself facing off against one of the false Medics.

"What zhe hell are you even wearing?" he asked incredulously, dodging some syringes gracefully, his white coat fluttering behind him like wings.

"I'm the Medical, if you must know! I'm extremely important to my team!" the blonde girl wearing bubble-gum pink giggled as she healed a passing Heavy rip-off with a small version of the Medigun.

Medic faltered at the mention of her class name.

"Zhe Medical what? Nurse? Doctor? Anomaly? Lunatic?" He couldn't help taunting the silly girl as he drew out his Ubersaw with a wicked grin.

The girl stamped her foot and BLU Medic lunged towards her.

"I promise this will be quick."

The RED Sniper, meanwhile, retreated to a safer distance to assist his comrades. The RED Scout seemed to be having a whale of a time as he ran circles around the stupid Scout rip-off, the other trying to land a hit on the Scout, with no success. Their female Snipers were trying to distract his friends and temporary allies with their womanly assets and Sniper rolled his eyes as the BLU Scout was killed in the middle of flexing his muscles.

He sighed mockingly as he took out the female Sniper without pause.

"Shouldn't have stood still, wanker." He smirked and turned his Hitman's Heatmaker on to other blue coloured Sniper, his canines showing.

The RED Heavy and Medic were locked in combat with the fisherman and another Medical.

"Tiny man is BABY! Go back to your fish stall!" Heavy bellowed and the two men laughed at the anger on their large opponent's face.

"I am a great fighter! Fall, enemy scum!"

Unfortunately for him, the RED Heavy's minigun was more powerful and ripped the opposition apart in seconds.

The BLU Pyro also faced off against a counterpart. The clown didn't even get chance to say a word as the Pyro shot him with his Detonator without even looking. It hit him squarely in the chest and killed him instantly.

"I hate clowns."

BLU Spy panted a little as he hurried along, stopping to let his Cloak and Dagger charge every so often. The Spies on the enemy teams were very shabby, especially if they hadn't noticed his disappearance. He knew that the enemy Engineers (or Mechanics or whatever they were called) were currently at a stalemate trying to outwit their own Engineers, so that obstacle didn't exist, thank goodness.

Smoky blue eyes scanned his surroundings carefully and his arm shot out to grab the enemy and throw his bodily over his shoulder, straining it a little in the process.

"Not bad, mon ami." He drawled as the other infiltrator picked himself up from the dirt, wiping his suit down and straightening his top hat.

"You seem to think that you can get past me while you're skulking around back here." The enemy replied, withdrawing his gun and shooting at Spy in one fluid movement.

Spy chucked himself out of the way, landing heavily on his bad shoulder with a wince.

Before he could move, the spy pinned him down and pressed his revolver to his temple.

"Goodbye, you cheap copy."

BLU Spy wriggled quickly and pulled out his balisong and stabbed the Asian in the chest, reaching the heart. As the man gasped and fell to the ground, kicking up dust, Spy booted him in the side with contempt as he shot past.

"Go to hell and take your cheap suit with you!"

Their Respawn appeared to be a technical machine like theirs (no surprise) and Spy was sure he could sap this neat dome with his Electronic Sapper. The Frenchman darted away after he slapped on the sapper, almost expecting a Texan curse to be thrown his way.

An explosion ripped through the makeshift base instead, blasting him forwards on his face.

Pity they'd been sharing the same Respawn, retarded fools.

The battle ended quickly after that, the tide turning sharply in their favour.

As RED Demoman and BLU Demoman danced over the remains of the Asian impostors, BLU Spy limped into view, blackened and bruised.

"Was ist los?" BLU Medic cried, running over to heal the man, who appeared tired.

"Zey won't be coming back." He replied quietly to the RED Spy's raised eyebrows and everyone breathed a collective sigh of relief.

"Excellent work, private." RED Soldier said gruffily and BLU Engineer patted a sleepy BLU Spy.

"Good job, fella."

The two teams parted ways soon afterwards, the two Spies leaving to report their successful mission to the Announcer.

* * *

><p>Seriously, you need to go look up this Final Combat. It's a disgraceful Chinese rip-off of our beloved TF2 and there will be parts that leave you slamming your head against the keyboard. The characters here are the original TF2 men and of course they would beat these suckers! As you can see, I'm not best pleased.<p>

Please tell me what you think.


	21. Chapter 21

**100 Missions.**

Not much to say here. Enjoy!

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><p>21st Objective: Sick Day.<p>

BLU Heavy could tell you a lot of things. He could tell you every word to the American National Anthem because Soldier sang it every morning. He could tell you the answer to any mathematical question and if you asked about him about his Ph.D. in Russian Literature, he would be more than happy to talk about it.

He could always tell when his team-mates were feeling out of sorts.

Because he watched. And he noticed.

It was on this particular Saturday, during the usual ceasefire weekend, that BLU Heavy came across BLU Spy sleeping on the couch in front of the television. It was normal for a majority of the others to do this (excluding his dear friend, Medic), but Spy always remained alert and cunning, so this situation was wrong and Heavy found himself parking his behind next to the curled up Frenchman on the saggy, worn couch, which creaked under his weight as he sat, concern etched on his strong features. Spy remained oblivious, sniffling in his sleep and tucking one gloved hand under his pointed chin.

Spy should have woken the moment he entered the living room.

Light blue eyes scanned Spy warily before moving to the TV, which sputtered inane nonsense about a great cleaning product.

Bah.

Heavy took the remote and turned off the television by pushing the red button at the top with a large index finger.

Spy still remained asleep.

Finally, Heavy decided to poke the smaller man, wondering if he would get a response. The Spy twitched but didn't move otherwise and, not for the first time, Heavy found himself thinking about what could be under the man's balaclava. He poked him a little harder in the ribs and Spy whined.

"Wake up, little man." He said firmly and Spy's eyes flickered open an inch.

"Mon dieu…so bright."

"Why are you sleeping on the couch at this time of day?" Straightforward questions were best at this point, for Spy blinked in confusion and didn't seem like himself at all.

"I…I don't know." The espionage expert admitted, sniffing again (sounded like a blocked nose) as he squinted up at Heavy.

He squeaked a minute later when a large hand obscured his vision.

"Hmm…very hot. You're sick." Heavy replied firmly, coming to this obvious conclusion and Spy attempted to get off the sofa while he scoffed tiredly.

"Please, my large friend. I do not 'ave time to get 'sick'. If you excuse moi, I 'ave work to do."

With a hidden cough in his left hand, Spy shuffled towards the door.

Heavy kept both eyes trained upon him sceptically and was proven right in doing so when Spy clamped one hand over his mouth and pressed another to his stomach, his eyes widening in unease as he darted for the bathroom seconds later. Heavy followed him immediately and was rewarded with the sound of Spy being violently sick down one of the toilets. Getting inside the dirty white, tiled bathroom, Heavy followed the sound to the second cubicle, discovering BLU Spy clenching the porcelain rim for support, sweating profusely and looking rather green.

Heavy knelt down without a word and put a broad hand on the tiny back, steadying the swaying Spy.

"I am afraid you are right, mon ami. I don't…feel well." Spy rasped before jerking his head to choke up bile in the basin. Heaving and shivers racked his thin frame and Heavy went to grab a towel. Heavy had been looking forward to a peaceful day, but strangely enough, he didn't feel angry about this turn of events. He could be a credit to his team while Medic was away visiting his lovely wife for the weekend! He would take care of Spy and make him well enough for the following Monday!

Yes, that was a good idea.

Spy slumped down, panting hard and Heavy placed the fluffy towel round his shoulders. Spy brought up a hand and dabbed at his wet mouth with the towel.

"Ugh…sorry for this trouble." Spy muttered as he made a gesture towards the cold floor. "I will just lie down 'ere for a while…"

"No, you won't." Heavy countered this and snatched up Spy by the collar before his hot cheek could contact its respite.

Spy moaned queasily as Heavy settled him on his back, telling him to put his shaking arms around his neck.

"Quoi? I want to sleep zere! You are upsetting my stomach!"

Heavy rolled his eyes as he flushed the toilet and trudged out of the bathroom, Spy clinging to him like a baby koala.

"You are burning up, so you're going to your bed." He told him simply. "I will make you food and bring medicine and you won't cry like baby!"

Spy flinched at the sharp rumble and nodded, pressing his damp face into Heavy's warm neck. Normally, he refused to let anyone intimidate him, but Heavy had the size and situational advantages so Spy played along. Besides, it couldn't hurt for someone else to attend to him for a while, right?

"Oui…je suis desole."

"Okay."

After tucking Spy into bed, bringing the covers up to his chin (after insisting he take off the majority of his clothes, of course), Heavy placed two fingers on Spy's thrumming pulse and shook his head in disapproval.

"Stay." He ordered and exited the bedroom.

Spy lay in a daze until Heavy returned with an extra blanket, a thermometer and a medical book written in German (nabbed from the Medic's office quarters). Sitting beside the Spy, who was now starting to shiver, Heavy stuck the thermometer in Spy's half-open mouth, almost choking him. Heavy watched the mercury rise upwards until it stopped at a fairly high number and Heavy read it carefully with a frown.

"We need to bring your fever down." He commented gruffly and opened the book.

Spy gazed down at his hands, unwilling to watch the room spin and he patiently waited for Heavy to tell him what illness he had caught.

"Do you ache anywhere?"

Spy obediently answered this sensible question.

"Oui, in my arms and legs."

Heavy sighed. Spy fit all the symptoms.

"You have the flu."

There was a heartbeat of silence and Spy leaned back into his fluffed up pillow wearily, closing his eyes and sniffing.

"Merde…I won't be well in time for Monday."

Heavy shook his head as he unscrewed the cap from the bottle of amber cold medicine.

"Thinking like that won't make you get better any quicker."

Heavy watched over the wretched Spy all night, hushing him when he woke in a terrified trance, shuddering through the worst of his fever and hacking his lungs up. He patted his soft hand when Spy lay panting in hazy stupor with his skin rippling from the heat and smoky blue eyes lidded under his mask, and finally smiled in relief when he put a large paw over the Spy's wet forehead at four o'clock in the morning and felt relative coolness.

Spy's crystal eyes fluttered open at the touch and he cracked a tiny smile, exhausted gratitude in his eyes.

After that, Heavy left Spy to sleep deeply through Sunday, refusing to let Soldier disturb the silent bundle sniffling under the quilt.

He grinned when a beautifully made sandwich turned up on his desk Monday morning with a little Thank You card propped up next to the china plate.

Mission complete.

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><p>Thank you for reading and please leave me feedback!<p> 


	22. Chapter 22

**100 Missions.**

I still can't believe the overwhelming amount of support and reviews I've had regarding this collection of stories and Spy Down. Seriously, you are all shining stars in the night sky! All sparkly and pretty. XD

Please enjoy.

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><p>22nd Objective: Spy Slayer.<p>

The BLU Engineer sets up his sentries and dispensers with a gleam in his eye and whistling away as background music starts up.

"Nobody believed…"

A shadow flits behind the Engineer in Gold Rush and the blue-clothed man turns with narrowed eyes underneath tinted goggles.

"From the worst F2P to the best PTP, nobody wanted to believe that the GOOD, UNBEATABLE Spies were returning."

The Engineer withdraws his Widow Maker and scans his surroundings slowly. Suddenly, a rush of Spies, RED and BLU, appear from what seems like air, and start storming towards him, armed with many knives and sappers.

"They are the twitch in the corner of your eye, the shadows in the recesses of your base and with an insatiable hunger to sap all sentries."

The Engineer kicks and spins, shooting as many Spies as possible with a strange grace. He takes out his Gunslinger and throws every Spy he can grab within reach and the music continues to build to its climax.

"But…there is one they fear. He is the worst of foes and the only hope Team Fortress has. In their tongue, he is Engiekiin, SENTRYBORN!"

Harry Brooklyn grins and opens his mouth.

"DIS-PEN-SER!"

Every Spy in the vicinity goes flying backwards as the theme music from Skyrim picks up (proud voices of the singers singing strongly), forced back by the incredible power of Harry's voice and sentry rockets that spring to life at Harry's words. They all die afterwards, surrounding Harry as he stands victorious.

"Sometimes you just need a little less gun." He says as he gets up from his crouch and smacks the last remaining RED Spy behind him with a wrench to the face.

He stares out to the horizon as he absorbs all of their souls.

The End.

Mission complete.

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><p>I couldn't resist a Skyrim parody, I'm sorry. I love that game so much and my Engie and his titles just fit the ticket perfectly! I keep jumping between the original TF2 classes and my interpretation of those classes (Harry, Bryn, Felix, Jane, Guy etc). I can't help that either because what can I say? I love the originals and I adore my boys! And I know there were BLU Spies too, but Harry's sentries are neutral ones and this was a storytrailer of him addressing the Spy threat to the continent of Team Fortress! XD

Hope that doesn't put you off.

Love Lily. X


	23. Chapter 23

**100 Missions.**

After Seth the BLU Scout find out about the relationship between his mother and Felix the RED Spy and reacts negatively, BLU Spy sits down to give him a quiet talk. Set before the events of Spy Down and the subsequent split between Scout's mom and Felix.

Most of the stories in this collection have nothing to do with the head canon in that fic, just to let you know.

Enjoy!

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><p>23rd Mission Objective: My Ma?<p>

Emmett sipped his tea from its mug steadily, keeping a concerned eye on the boy sitting across from him. The Spy knew the Scout would probably take the news badly, but he never imagined that this lazy boy would trash his own room, the living room AND the Spy's room while swearing and screaming in rage. It was so out of character, so…scary. Seth was so laidback he could be horizontal and it had taken all of Emmett's willpower and self-control not to flee when he'd observed Scout kicking his desk in. He might have watched calmly and given off the impression that he wasn't impressed by leaning against the wooden door frame (because he liked that desk, dammit!), but his brain had screamed almost as loudly as Seth, yelling at him to either run or stop him.

Emmett did neither.

The boy had to let off his anger somehow.

Now Seth scowled and slumped in his kitchen chair in a seething heap and Spy knew that he might just kick off again if Spy didn't straighten him out. He'd already saved him from Jane's wrath (the Soldier went mad when he saw the damage delivered to Spy's room and the television in the living room) and only just convinced Soldier that solitary confinement wouldn't help anyone (he'd found an ally in the rapidly signing Medic and that was that).

Problem was, Emmett didn't know how to ignite the conversation once he'd locked the door to allow them privacy. He offered Seth soda to put off having to say anything.

No more procrastination now.

"Seth?"

Scout grunted, showing that Spy held his attention.

"Am I going to be able to 'ave a civilised discussion with you?" Emmett questioned, letting his tone slip into a scolding one. It wasn't too patronising, but enough to tell Seth that his earlier behaviour was unacceptable.

Seth leaned back in his chair and nodded, eyes hard and stormy.

"Merci, Scout."

"Make it quick, I ain't gonna sit here forever."

Spy drank his tea to prevent a cutting retort about the irony of that sentence and placed the half full mug on to the wood of the large table.

"I am glad for your time."

He paused, considering what to say next.

"There are many kinds of love, Seth. Consequently, zat means there are many kinds of lovers."

Scout rolled dark grey eyes.

"Aw man, now you're gonna tell me dat we should treat and love everyone equally and all dat crap."

Spy stared evenly at him.

"I am not finished, Scout."

When quiet descended over the opposite side of the table, Spy continued his talking.

"I 'ave never told zis segment of my life to anyone before and I will NEVER speak of it again once I 'ave finished telling you today. So listen up, boy."

He smirked at the interest written all over Seth's face and leaned forward.

"Once, I fell in love with a wonderful belle. She was lovely in every way and I practically worshipped the ground she walked on. I didn't act like a crazed stalker, but I pursued 'er the way any a man courts a female."

Scout raised an eyebrow, clearly wondering what linked this story to that creep's relationship with his Ma.

Spy wrapped one slim hand around his mug and gazed down at the amber liquid inside, becoming lost in thought.

"I flirted and gave her gifts at Christmas and on 'er birthday, which I religiously remembered. Then one day, I worked up ze courage to ask 'er to a school dance.

His voice dropped into almost a whisper and Scout had to strain to hear Emmett's next sentence.

"She was ever so kind when she let me down gently. She told me zat 'er heart belonged to another and they were going together; she said she was sorry because she didn't feel the same way I did."

Blue eyes rose to stare into Seth's, cloudy with memories. This part was extremely important.

"I was understandably distraught and grieved for a few days, trying to patch up a broken heart, oui. Zen, I suddenly realised something after contemplating where I 'ad gone wrong. If I really cared for 'er, like I'd told myself so many times…wasn't it better to see 'er smile a true smile and watch over 'er happiness from afar?"

Spy smiled faintly at the dawning reality growing across Haraway's thin features.

"I knew that I'd much rather see her truly happy and be at peace with herself – even though I couldn't own her heart and feelings for myself – than hold her fair body in my arms and see her lying to me and herself for the sake of my well-being. I can proudly say that I remained friends with 'er and made a new friend with 'er boyfriend while I moved on."

Spy reached out and patted the deadly still Seth's hand cautiously.

"I believe zat this applies to any type of love. If you really love someone…you need to let them go."

There – he'd hit home right there. Scout let his chair legs meet the floor with a clunk and he scratched at one cheek before putting his hands together on the table, contemplating Spy's wise words. As much as it pained him to admit it…the backstabber was right. He needed to stop being so selfish and allow his mother to try and find happiness with whomever she pleased. He still felt unhappy about the RED Spy, but he really did care about his ma.

Spy smiled again fondly as he watched the cogs turn in Scout's head.

"Besides, RED Spy is also entitled to a relationship outside of work. Even a spy has emotional needs."

Seth harrumphed at this and crossed his arms, annoyed that he couldn't argue against that point either.

Freaking Spies…

Spy stood up suddenly, carrying his empty mug to the sink to rinse it in preparation for dishwashing later. Seth watched Emmett's suit-clad back for a while, grey eyes narrowed.

"Thanks man." He muttered eventually and Spy turned back, inclining his head in gracious acceptance.

"I only speak from past experience, young man. What you do with my advice is up to you. Just…try not to 'urt anyone with the decisions you make, oui?"

Seth saluted cheekily.

"Scout's honour!"

"Oh…haha. Very witty."

* * *

><p>Scout dialled the number and waited nervously for his Ma to pick up the phone in Boston.<p>

"Hello?"

"Ma? It's me. I…heard da news about your new boyfriend."

Ma drew in her breath, tensing at his words.

"Congratulations. Ya deserve a new guy."

"Oh…thank you, sweetheart. You have no idea how relieved dat makes me, for you know I value your opinion. I love you, baby."

"Love you too, Ma." Scout answered with a genuine smile.

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><p>Hope this wasn't too sappy for some of you! *laughs*<p>

Please review!


	24. Chapter 24

**100 Missions.**

They won't stop forming in my head, these story ideas won't. Can't sleep…gah.

Enjoy.

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><p>24th Objective: STEAK!<p>

Jane had a problem.

A big rumbly tummy kind of problem.

"I NEED TO BE FED!" he yelled, announcing his dilemma to his entire team.

Nobody replied though, for they were too busy living semi-normal lives and not caring one jot about BLU Soldier's hunger.

Maggots.

There was only one man who could save him now.

"Engie! ENGIE! ENNNGIIIEEE!"

Soldier screamed his fellow American's name so much as he searched for the mechanic that Scout ran to throw up in the toilet because he got the wrong idea entirely and many fangirls squealed in excitement at the non-existent yaoi.

"Engie?" Soldier poked his head into the workshop (a place he probably should have searched first) and grinned when he spotted the hard hat hiding behind a sentry. "What are you doing behind there, maggot friend?"

Engineer jumped and banged his head, wincing despite having a hard hat on. Sighing because he knew he was royally screwed now, Harry took off his helmet to rub at his throbbing forehead.

"What can I do for y'all?"

Jane slowly shuffled over and tilted his head back until the two men were staring into each other's eyes. Engineer bit his lip nervously as Soldier continued his creepy stare and was about to open his mouth to ask what the hell Soldier had eaten this morning when Jane lashed out and whacked Harry's arm with his own wrench.

"SPYCHECK!"

"OW! What in Sam Hill was THAT for?"

Jane got down on one knee, completely ignoring the poor Texan's pain and clasped his meaty hands together.

"Please?" he begged. "Please…steak?"

Harry gaped at the Soldier's pleading and then pulled himself together.

"Again?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Soldier threw himself face first at Engineer's work boots, almost breaking his nose.

"I NEED STEAK! My manhood shrinks without it!"

Frankly, Harry could have done well in life without that eye-opener.

"Alrighty then! Just as long as you promise to never talk about your manhood again."

"You have my word, soldier!" Jane barked and sprang upright, saluting this wonderful American as he walked out of his messy workshop, feeling reluctant about the whole affair.

Soldier, on the other hand, felt gleeful. He would be able to show the other morons what REAL men ate!

Especially those goddamn Europeans…

Engineer had to put up with Jane skipping behind him the entire trip to the kitchen, singing in a horrible voice about steak. On top of that, BLU Sniper was having one of his "funny turns" once more and had taken to following the pair around, solemnly telling them about the bright red apple that he held in one hand.

"Apples, mate. Apples…"

"That's…lovely."

"I made it all shoiny…"

"Ummm."

Engineer took a glance at Joey's proud face, eyes shining with unshed tears and nearly facepalmed. But knowing that would mentally damage the Australian for life, Harry just patted his shoulder instead.

"Want me to shoine an apple for ya?" Sniper offered hopefully and Soldier saw a golden opportunity to save his steak chef from the addled Aussie.

"Absolutely! Hell, he would love you forever if you did that!"

"BONZA! Apples, mate. Apples apples apples apples…" Sniper cheered and crouched in a corner, taking another apple out from under his hat and rubbing it with a polishing cloth, muttering manically about apples.

"Run." Jane whispered and the two Americans bolted for the kitchen.

Thankfully, they made it without another incident and Jane made sure to lock the kitchen door to protect themselves from a possible rampage from the Australian (although the strength of the door against Aussie induced trauma was debatable).

"Right, let's get this over with." Harry said grimly, rubbing his hands together.

Soldier watched entranced as Engie drew out the meat needed from the fridge.

"T-Bone alright?"

Soldier drooled in response.

Taking out the frying pan, Harry generously slathered olive oil on the bottom of the pan and the meat itself and turned on the stove, slapping the meat on with a nice sizzle.

"Mmm…"

"Glad someone's happy now."

Jane drew up a kitchen chair and sat by the frying meat, determined to see it cook properly.

Engineer shook his head as he flipped it over.

"It ain't gonna be raw, pardner."

"I did not ask you a question!" Soldier hissed and Engineer was reminded of a feral cow.

Why this cow was eating one of its brethren, we'll never know.

Anyway, after lots of high-pitched whimpering and eager puppy eyes, the steak was finally presented in Solly's very own doggy bowl.

"WOOF!" said Soldier and he –

No wait…he's not actually a guard dog.

Let me try that again.

"You deserve a medal! You are the patron saint of steak!" cried Jane Doe with a sniff of pride and he delved straight into the finely cooked meat, brimming with juicy goodness and artery clogging properties, with a huge steak knife.

Engineer left Soldier to it and went outside.

Only to be assaulted by Joey and his apples.

"Apples, mate! YOURS IS NOICE AND SHOINY!" came the Australian shriek.

Engineer took out his pistol and shot himself to Respawn.

Mission complete.

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><p>…Oi, what just happened?<p> 


	25. Chapter 25

**100 Missions.**

Here is another TF2 Reacts! They finally react to Nyan Cat, for all of you that asked. I love my readers after all. And special shout outs to Zero612 for having absolute faith in me and shadowofcrabs for supporting me from the beginning of my time here on TF2! Also, thanks to him/her, I now have a massive CRAB ARMY OF DOOM! Muahahaha….

Enjoy.

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><p>25th Objective: TF2 Reacts to Nyan Cat!<p>

Once more, the hardened mercenaries were paired up and sat forcefully in front of TV screens. All they saw seconds later were a load of rainbows, a pop tart cat and incessant music.

"Nyan, nyan, nyan, nyan, nyan!"

"Oh my god, I know this one!" Chazz cackled with a grin on his face, his partner, Oliver the RED Pyro, staring at the screen in bewilderment.

"Is this Japanese or something?"

"Oh God, MY EYES!" Jane the BLU Soldier cried, rubbing his eyes in agony while Joey the BLU Sniper bobbed his head along.

"For some reason I find this good."

Pippin the RED Scout started to sniffle by his partner, Adrik the RED Heavy.

"Musn't cry! It's a rainbow…just a rainbow!"

Seconds later, he started bawling.

RED Medic rocked in the corner with Elias the BLU Medic cowering next to him and the pair hugged each other tightly.

"Mein got, make it stop, bitte!"

Lance and Harry fell about laughing, giggling like two year olds.

"It's so funny!" choked the BLU Engie.

Dusty and Damon sat motionless.

"Do people find this good?"

Felix the RED Spy melted into a puddle of goo beside the RED Demoman.

"Awww…'ow cute!" he cooed.

"Urgh."

The constant noise ceased and it was question time.

"Why did that make you cry?"

"Because this is Scout! Rainbows make him cry!" Emmett mocked in a bad impression of Seth and the BLU Scout nearly punched his partner.

"Shut up, man! You weren't there! YOU WEREN'T THERE!" he wailed tearfully.

"This video has received over one billion views. Why do you think that is?"

"Because they're stupid, mate." Bryn replied instantly, Scotland nodding.

"Ah'm drunk and even I felt sick seeing that!"

"Well, when something is bright and annoying, the general public can't help but git drawn in." A sign appeared over Dusty's head while a guitar riff played in a freeze frame.

**TRUTH!**

"Maybe they're all mentally unstable?" Jasper suggested, still quivering in his chair and holding Elias' hand (the other squeezed back).

"Either way, it is musically offensive." Elias said.

"What would you say if you met the person who made this?" the interviewer asked.

"Just…never again. Please." Pippin begged, wiping his eyes while Adrik patted his back awkwardly.

"Oh make more like zat one! J'adore kitty!" Felix squealed joyfully while Guy frantically shook his head.

"Okay, mate, what you need to do is get in yer car and drive until you get into this big building called a hospital. Then yer check into the loony bin and never come out again." Joey deadpanned and he was captured in a freeze frame with a guitar riff.

**DOMINATED!**

"Can I have something to wash my eyes out, please? Preferably strong bleach." BLU Soldier asked.

"Finally, would you ever watch that again?"

The reaction from almost everyone was immediate.

"NO!"

"Oui!"

Felix was the only one to happily agree and RED Demoman glared at the oblivious Spy.

"Halfwit."

The video ended with RED Engineer smiling at the camera.

"Y'all come back next time, ya hear?"

Mission complete.

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><p>Phew! Hope you liked!<p> 


	26. Chapter 26

**100 Missions.**

Okay everyone, I have finally decided to write part two of the serious Meet the Pyro tribute chapter! Be prepared for the BLU Pyro kicking ass for his Spy buddy and avenging his fallen teammates.

* * *

><p>26th Objective: Retribution.<p>

He knew they would look for the last survivors of what he's dubbed as "The Pyromania Massacre."

He knew it because RED is made up of heartless cowards who are trying to storm the BLU base to cover up their little psycho's tracks and gain the so-called 'glory' that they needlessly seek.

They're running around down below the hiding BLUs (the BLU Spy shaking in utmost terror under the shelter of his friend's arm) and shouting, calling them vulgar names to try and enrage them into coming out to fight. Neither of them are stupid enough to fall for such simple trickery, but the RED team never had common sense, even though they have geniuses such as the RED Engineer and RED Medic. Funnily enough, their crafty Spy hasn't figured out their hiding place yet because the BLU Pyro has made sure that he stays one step of these fools and has crammed himself and the poor BLU Spy into the workings of the ceiling itself. It wasn't easy removing stubborn ceiling tiles when your friend babbled desperate words into your ear and when you knew the pack of wolves drew ever closer but he managed.

BLU Spy squeezes his hand and BLU Pyro feels anger once more because the man sitting next to him hasn't even begun to recover from his trauma yet and this is probably pushing him over the edge! As quietly as he can, Pyro shifts to relieve the pins and needles.

"Zheir Pyro is 'ere too!"

The muffled sounds of annoyance intermingled with Russian swearing down below shows that Spy is right.

"Don't make a noise. Don't scream." Pyro replies gently, barely above a whisper and Spy buries his face into the crook of his neck. Pyro strokes soft hair and the pair wait it out together.

* * *

><p>BLU Pyro doesn't bother sneaking – much. He wants the filthy scumbags to know he's here but at the same time, he doesn't want them to know WHERE.<p>

Just when he thought it was safe.

Just when the pyromaniac figured BLU Spy would be alright by himself for five seconds.

The RED Pyro spirited the French man away like he'd never existed in the base in the first place.

Pyro, despite wanting to run headfirst in and take his friend back, knew that training was everything.

Persistence and hard work deep in to the night, finishing at the strike of twelve exactly. Training with his shotgun and fire axe, twirling with the sledgehammer, smashing up concrete, boxes, anything that could be used as training equipment. He learnt how to use Spy's Dead Ringer and pored over the Engineer's sentry designs and manuals. He even took the Huntsman out for a few sessions and became acquainted with Soldier's Liberty Launcher. Pyro isn't taking any chances and he almost feels the ghosts of his team watching proudly over him, encouraging the masked man to man up and prepare himself for the battle to drag their comrade out of the jaws of Hell itself.

The sweat and heat of determination had paid off.

Pyro is armed to the teeth and thirsty for revenge.

"Ready or not…here I come."

The blue sentries beep outside the doors of every exit, ready to mow down anyone who tries to flee. Dispensers are scattered here and there, in case Pyro needs their healing rays (perhaps he will, perhaps he won't). The fire axe, the Huntsman and the Dead Ringer are strapped to his fire proof suit and the rocket launcher lies near one of the dispensers outside. It would make lovely explosions but it is too cumbersome and Pyro can't carry that AND his Degreaser. Instead, it shines like a lucky talisman, almost like Solly himself is saluting him.

Anyway, Pyro feels like his swift justice should be…poetic and ironic.

And isn't it funny that the RED base is made entirely of wood?

He's surprised the RED monster hasn't burned down his own base.

He's already dispatched the drunken Demoman and left him sprawled messily with a bullet to his head.

Oh yeah…he's turned off their Respawn as well. Vandalism comes naturally when you've lived with the BLU Scout for a few years.

They'll get a nasty surprise when they find their team-mate.

Speaking of which…

"MEDIC! Ya need to get here now! Demo's dying 'ere!"

Stupid Scout, the Pyro thinks. He's already dead. And the boy doesn't realise he's next.

As a pair of footsteps start hurrying towards the Scout, Pyro readies himself.

Two birds with one stone – perfect.

The Scout and Medic don't see the attack until it's too late and both die by quick chops with the fire axe. He activates the BLU Spy's cloaking device and scurries along the corridor, nearly bumping straight into the Soldier. The RED has his shotgun out, deep suspicion on his face as he shuffles up the corridor. By the way RED Soldier is reacting; he's worried that their captive has escaped somehow.

Good, that means his little friend is still alive.

The heavy breathing of the Soldier fills the corridor and Pyro presses himself against the wall, slipping out the Huntsman as he edges backwards. The tension crackles in the air as Pyro silently walks backwards, the RED Soldier taking one steady foot at a time.

Once Pyro's far enough, he lets the invisibility device drop.

"Au revoir."

RED Soldier has no time to react, for the arrow lodges itself straight through his brain. The thud of his body seems to attract the weapon less Heavy, who halts in puzzlement and then dawning shock as Pyro pulls out the Degreaser. He takes his time a little after enveloping the screeching Russian in orange fire. Burning wood here and there, Pyro watches gleefully as the flames crackle up the walls, eating and carving paths into the wood.

Brilliant.

The choked coughs of a person filter through his gas mask and he whips round to see the RED Sniper running for his Respawn, his rifle shaking in limp hands as he stumbles. For a second, Pyro falters and briefly considers showing an act of mercy. After all, the RED Sniper is vulnerable.

Just as quickly as that thought comes, it disappears at the memory of his burnt and broken family forcing its way in and the BLU stomps menacingly into the Respawn. Panicked screams are cut short as the smoke rises in the darkness.

He's pretty sure the other remaining REDs are aware of his presence and is proven right correct when he calmly strolls into the centre of the RED base and absorbs the sight of his own Spy lying half-dead in the corner of the capture point. The RED Spy stands above the wheezing man with a cigarette in his mouth and his Ambassador out. The Engineer sits beside a building sentry with a beer bottle nearby.

But neither of them are looking at the injured BLU.

Their heads watch the RED Pyro warily, their faces half-cast in shadow while some of the eerie light from the moon soaks the vicious monster in all of his twisted glory. A flamethrower rests in his hands and the tiny blue flame on the end flickers dangerously close to the BLU Spy. Even though the Spy is almost swallowed by his dark corner, that tiny light shows the glowing terror on his face.

Damn, they've got him in a nasty position here.

That blank mask tilts its head to the side in an innocent manner, like it was curious. The BLU Pyro mimics the look, unwilling to be intimidated. He's a Pyro too and it's just between them now. Without pause, he lifts the shotgun and squeezes the trigger, the force of the shot killing the Engineer instantly and sending him flying over the edge into the abyss. His wrecked sentry follows a few seconds later.

RED Spy jumps a metre into the air and swivels the revolver to point at BLU Pyro's head, eyes wide.

Oh, so he's frightened of the BLU Pyro?

Excellent.

He feints aggressively and the opposition skitters back. Laughter bubbles up from the BLU's throat, coming out restricted and quiet. Relief gleams in those sapphire eyes of his BLU brother, only to vanish as the RED Pyro turns its head, childishly considering whether to burn him to a crisp.

Pyro can't let him have that chance. Gripping his sledgehammer suddenly, he charges and swings for the terrible fire breather. The battle between them starts immediately and the hilt of the RED's axe clashes in a jarring motion with the blue-clothed man's sledgehammer. The RED Spy ducks out of the way of another swing, accidently dropping his gun and groping for it wildly, his pale blue eyes never leaving the fight. Unnoticed, the BLU Spy drags his battered body to the fallen weapon and closes his fingers around the rose wood handle. It requires effort to bring up the gun and pull the trigger, sending the Spy toppling after his mechanical team mate. Exhausted by a tiny motion, Spy drops the weapon and curls up slowly, gritting his teeth at the pain.

"Mon dieu…"

His brain fogged by agony, Spy shivers as he realises he can't do any more for his friend. He's knocked out the man who could have turned the tide against Pyro and Pyro's on his own now. All he can do is whimper as he pulls his injured body forward with one arm, fight to keep awake and pray.

The epic fight has moved away from the fallen BLU, just like Pyro intended and he leans away from a flare fired by the Scorch Shot, retaliating by throwing his fire axe bodily at the RED. It buries into its exposed leg and the beast howls in rage and pain, grabbing the hilt to drag it free from bone and bleeding flesh. Anger courses through Pyro's veins. This…THING has no right to act human when he knows the truth! Finally, his revenge is approaching, steaming closer to the aggressive creature posing in RED and filling the BLU with a sense of purpose.

The sky pushes against lava grimly as the titans of each team throw their weights against each other, flamethrowers sparking as they grind into metal and puff out balls of fire ominously. Pyro roars through his mask with frustration and determination, refusing to lose to the abomination wearing the colour of blood, hurt, rage and pure evil wrapped in a rose-tinted lust for death. Blue stands for tranquillity, triumph, peace and a sea of sadness, for Pyro is going to show the RED how badly losing feels, once and for all!

He will bring justice to RED itself!

Fire bursts forth and the BLU blows the other Pyro back with a puff of air from the nozzle. A swift kick to the groin catches it off guard and forces a grunt out of it.

It's over now…the call for Medic cries too late.

Pyro grabs the other by its collar and drags it forward. Then, the gas mask comes off.

The devil before him is scarred and balding slightly, but it looks nothing like a monster.

Pyro knows better.

Carefully, his own mask clatters to the floor.

"You took what I loved away." He growls as orange starts to spill in through the doorway. The other's eyes widen as Pyro grips the axe and raises it for one last time, the hell fire behind him bathing him in gold and black.

"Retribution."

The RED's head rolls away, stopping just at the rim.

Pyro kicks it off.

He leaves the axe next to the body of his enemy, for he has no time to savour his victory. The whole base is alight now, flickering heat and splintering at its seams, groaning in its death throes.

He MUST find the Spy.

Fortunately, the French native hasn't strayed too far. He lies in a sad, crumpled pile in a dark corner, barely breathing and tears running silently down his cheeks. His masked visage is lightly sooty with the wandering ash and coughs mingle with hiccups. Pyro sees that he is crying from his soul, letting out the sludge of grief through jewelled orbs made of azure and he doesn't try to stop him. He cradles Spy in his arms and he brings out a spare gas mask. Spy is too weak to prevent the mask slipping over his head but he announces his displeasure through a whine anyway. Pyro then shifts him so the man is held against his front like a baby, his head resting on his shoulder. Thin arms wrap around his neck as Pyro adds to the flames with extra spurts before throwing down the weapon.

He won't need it anymore.

Even though Spy becomes a dead weight when he passes out, Pyro battles through the fire to make it out relatively intact. But he doesn't stop there, putting as much distance as he can between the collapsing building and their bodies before sinking to the grass with a tired huff, tearing off his gas mask to breathe fresh air before carefully removing the Spy's gas mask.

The building caves in on itself, screaming out its final note. Tar, wood and other more unpleasant smells drift on the wind towards the two men and Pyro glances upwards to spy dark clouds gathering.

At least the fire won't spread to their base.

He looks down at the male lying in his arms and is surprised to find him conscious after all.

Spy smiles faintly and brings up a gloved hand to touch his companion's skin on his cheek.

"We did it…" he rasps and Pyro grasps the hand, leaning down to peck the Spy's sweaty brow. Hell, there was no one around anyway to call this brotherly gesture gay, so why not?

"We did." He confirms, eyeing the open cuts scattered across the Spy's visage.

Spy's hand trembles slightly as he continues to cling to Pyro's hand like a child and Pyro realises Spy will need a few years to recover from the trauma and abuse.

"I love you." Spy blurts out suddenly through the tiny particles of ash dancing around the pair and Pyro sighs, placing his glove down as he puts a naked hand on Spy's feverish forehead.

It's strongly worded, but the fire breather understands the brotherly bond emanating from the far gone espionage expert. This experience has turned them into brothers-in-arms, wrapping them together too tightly with the red strings of fate for the men to ever consider separating.

"I love you too, Frenchie." He replies, grinning as Spy's eyes soften with the wide smile in return.

The pair, Pyro kneeling, Spy draped passively across his lap, watch the beautiful spectacle as the heavens open up and pour their dead team's tears of pride upon them, soaking them to the bone.

Mission complete.

* * *

><p>Just to make this doubly clear for those who didn't get it – this was NOT a yaoi chapter. Hope you enjoyed the ending to my monstrous Meet the Pyro serious story! And MvM anybody? XD My name is What Is Love on Steam if you wish to add me.<p>

Goodnight!

Love Lily. X


	27. Chapter 27

**100 Missions.**

Here we are again with another load of bloopers. This time, it's Meet the Demoman!

* * *

><p>27th Objective: Bloopers of Meet the Demoman.<p>

"Alright, and action!"

The RED Demoman and Scout ran recklessly towards the BLU sentry, the young Scout falling along the way.

As the Demoman's bombs sailed through the air, the Scotsman flew too and fell in a heap. The bombs stopped just short of the sentry, beeping harmlessly.

"Och no." Demoman sighed.

The BLU Engineer giggled and the RED Scout rolled his eyes.

"You're drunk again."

"CUT!"

**BLOOPERS!**

"If I were a bad Demoman, I wouldn't be sittin' here, gittin' my lines wrong now, would I?!" the Demoman shouted and facepalmed.

BLU Soldier cackled with mirth and clapped his shoulder.

"Never mind, private! The Director will only make you rehearse your lines another ten times!"

Demoman chuckled.

"Cut!" cried the Director.

**BLOOPERS!**

"Action!"

The RED Sniper accidently walked in on the shot.

"Oh croikey, sorry mates!" he apologised and ran from the annoyed Director, who chased him with his loudspeaker.

The others laughed at the worry on Sniper's face.

**BLOOPERS!**

The RED Demoman grinned cheekily as he watched his BLU counterpart fill in for him. The best part was that their Director hadn't even noticed the colour change yet!

"Hang on…BLU Demo, what are you doing? Get outta here!" the Director shooed the laughing BLU away from the shot, but had an almost fond smile on his face. "Honestly, you two Scots are terrible together!"

"Why thank ye!" they chorused, slinging their arms around each other.

**BLOOPERS!**

"Action!"

As the BLUs advanced on the RED Demoman, he stood still for a moment, looking slightly panicked because he'd forgotten what he was supposed to be doing again.

So he did what any good DeGroot would do.

He lifted up his bomber jacket and yelled "KABEEWWM!" while showing them the smiley face taped to his crotch.

The BLU Medic collapsed laughing while the BLU Heavy pretended to be horrified and fell to his knees.

"Dear God, do these tiny baby men have no mercy?!"

BLU Soldier couldn't breathe for laughing and BLU Spy just gaped, his cigarette dropping out of his mouth.

"Oh my word…" sighed the Director and called for the scene to be stopped. "We're going on a break now!"

**BLOOPERS!**

It was the third camera that Demoman had accidently blown up that day.

"Oh bugger, sorry lads."

The Director stared mournfully at the camera.

"Boom…" he said softly.

**BLOOPERS!**

"A - !"

Everyone stopped as they realised that the Scot was fast asleep, drunkenly snoring away.

"I've got an idea!" RED Pyro snickered. "Let's just leave and grab dinner!"

Everyone liked the sound of that so they left, but not before the two Scouts drew on his face to much tittering and shushing.

"…Oi, what just 'appened?"

Mission complete.

* * *

><p>The end. Hope you liked!<p> 


	28. Chapter 28

**100 Missions.**

Oh my…MvM is awesome. I've played it a few times and Medic's lines amuse me to no end! Anyway, here's another fic. MvM one will come soon, I promise.

* * *

><p>28th Objective: Kindness.<p>

It was white in this purgatory.

Sapphire eyes stared straight ahead as he watched the few flakes of snow fall from the corner of his vision and half-baked memories swirled in his mind. It was getting hard to remember certain things, like what his real name was and where he'd come from. He could remember rolling out of bed in a daze this morning and wondering why the Engineer left the oppressive heater on during the night. Getting dressed and washed was a blur until he found himself at Respawn just…waiting.

He hadn't been hungry.

…Were the rocks supposed to melt like that?

BLU Spy knew dimly in the back of his mind that he shouldn't be out in battle in the snow when he was oh so very sick. His body boiled and yet he felt the ice-cold frost on his skin and felt it seep damply through his shirt.

Where was he again?

His legs scrabbled jerkily in a pathetic attempt to get up because he was in dangerous territory somehow and he wanted to be safe in bed! They went limp after a few seconds and Spy panted in exhaustion. His mind was stuffed to the brim with cotton wool and Spy couldn't remember anything from his training days as a new Spy. If a RED found him here…

"Huh?"

He had to draw attention to himself, didn't he?

The BLU's head lolled a little as a red object entered his line of sight (what little was left) cautiously.

"You ain't playin', are ya? 'Cos I don't wanna see a knife stickin' outta my back."

What? He sounded familiar but he couldn't recall the owner of the Bostonian accent. His body shivered and Spy whimpered in pain.

"Jeez, you're like a furnace! Why da HELL are ya out here if you feel ill?" the voice chided as a hand touched his forehead and Spy jerked away, eyes wide with fear as he finally made the connection.

"Just…just make it quick." He gasped out, hitting his head on the dark rock behind him in the process. His blue eyes rolled, sweat dripping down his face and RED Scout looked surprised, his speedy hands moving to the cosy scarf wrapped around his neck.

"What? I don't take dudes down when they're at a disadvantage! That's lame. And your face is all red, man. You REALLY should be inside." He said in slight concern.

BLU Spy faintly felt confused at the Scout's attitude. Why was this cocky lapin being so nice to him?

Suddenly he registered warm material being draped carefully around his neck, one bandaged hand cradling his head to prevent the feverish man from toppling over. Bewildered, Spy lifted his head with effort to see Scout's face close to his, brows furrowed as he pushed Spy back, the hand going flat against the rock face. Flushed cheeks became crimson with an added blush, one gloved hand touching the soft scarf. He was embarrassed, to be frank.

"Quoi? RED Scout is – is concerned?"

He swayed and gave out a little giggle, finding the situation amusingly ironic.

Scout looked up to the sky, begging whoever was up there for patience.

"Yeah, ain't that funny? Not. Look, ya backstabbing rat, this doesn't make us pals."

Spy nodded sagely.

"I am bleu and you are rouge."

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

The suited French man hissed as Scout accidently pressed against his suit – the hot skin underneath hurt! Scout felt his pulse and found it to be pounding like a jackrabbit's running feet.

"Uh, this does NOT look good here."

Spy sank into the wall as it started to draw him in, the sky rotating and changing colours.

"Scout, zat rainbow will make you cry…don't look." He giggled.

Scout paled, glancing up at grey skies.

"You're delirious, ah great."

French poured from the shuddering Spy a minute later and Scout made his decision, having weighed out his options for once. He would take this ill BLU back to the base and try and get help from his BLU Medic – if he wasn't killed on sight by the Heavy first.

"C'mon you, we're leaving."

"Je suis desole….Papa."

Scout didn't question the ghosts in Spy's addled mind. After all, they all had them.

The slim man was lighter than he realised as he picked him up and slung him over his shoulder, feeling the Spy grab his sweat shirt in sudden anxiety.

"Alright pally, keep calm."

A cry issued from the BLU as the RED took off, heading away from the capture point to the enemy base. When they reached it, Scout gently held the Spy in his arms instead, cautiously stepping inside.

"Aw crap, where's ya room?" he asked the enemy Spy, who lay drained against him, his own arms tucked awkwardly on his stomach.

"What? I…I..."

Sensing the Spy drifting, Scout smacked his leg.

"Hey, not yet, buster! Where's ya bedroom?"

Spy raised his head weakly and pointed down the hall to their right with a heavy arm and half-lidded orbs.

"Now we're getting' somewhere." Scout replied impatiently. He needed to be back in battle, not babying an enemy backstabber!

The boy rushed down the corridor, pausing outside a door when Spy tugged with his index finger and thumb.

"'Ere…"

Scout kicked the door open.

To his credit, he didn't dump the Spy on the floor and leave him lying there. The American lowered Spy on to the bed warily and stood back.

"I'mma getting' someone."

Spy didn't hear him, for he was too far gone, falling into comfortable darkness as his bed swallowed him whole while paint trickled down the walls.

The BLU Medic was luckily hurrying out of his Respawn when RED Scout approached slowly, placing his bat and Crit-a-Cola down on the concrete floor. He put up his hands at the sight of the Medic's syringe gun.

"I ain't here to kill you this time." He intoned, watching the enemy raise his eyebrows sceptically.

"Was?"

"Your Spy, he's pretty ill right now. I dropped him off in his room and I know he needs ya!"

Medic studied the RED's open face for a moment before deciding to trust him. Besides, he was feeling the pull of a teammate in need and he was certain that the two were connected.

"Ja, take me zhere."

When Medic spotted the Spy's still form on the bed, he pulled off his rubber gloves and instantly pulled up a chair, ready to tend to the French native.

"Danke. You did not have to do zhis."

RED Scout shrugged and got ready to run headlong into the fray once more.

"Oh, by da way, I want my scarf back afterwards."

Medic didn't answer properly; too busy mopping the Spy's forehead already. Instead, he hummed in acknowledgement.

RED won by a landslide that day, but RED Scout, BLU Medic and the poor BLU Spy didn't care.

RED Scout didn't know why he'd chosen to help the man.

But it felt kind of nice all the same.

Mission Complete.

* * *

><p>Okay, this was inspired by an SFM picture on Tumblr by some dude whose name I forget of the RED Scout in his Fast Learner (I think?) with no hat on giving a deliriously feverish BLU Spy his scarf in Viaduct. It's kinda cute and apparently it's supposed to be a yaoi but I decided to turn it into a strictly platonic fic. Hope you liked!<p> 


	29. Chapter 29

**100 Missions.**

This is inspired from Chaos' brilliant story, "Eight Mercenaries and a Toddler". I jumped on the bandwagon for TF2 babies and asked Chaos if she minded. Being the lovely person she is, Chaos said, "Of course not, good bean! Carry on!" and went back to calmly puffing at her bubble pipe like a badass.

I think you'll all enjoy this.

I hope.

* * *

><p>29th Objective: Baby.<p>

Why did the teleporter have to screw up?

Why did good Dusty the Engineer have to try something new?

And why did Soldier volunteer for the task of guinea pig in the first place?

None of that mattered now though.

Dusty and Jasper cringed at the sight as the smoke cleared enough for them to stop coughing. Sitting in an oversized Soldier uniform and the tin hat covering his face was Lance – as a toddler.

"Ease!" he squeaked.

"Oh dagnabit!"

* * *

><p>"Well, the time machine worked…to a degree." Pyro commented sardonically as the three men gathered round the newly de-aged Lance Corporal.<p>

The RED Engineer moaned into his hands.

"He might stay like this forever, you know." RED Pyro continued cheerfully and Dusty moaned once more.

RED Medic hushed Oliver with a glare.

"Zhat vill not happen, I'll be sure of that." He reassured Engineer as Solly tottered around the room with the large hat covering his eyes more than usual. Jasper scooped him up before he could hurt himself.

While Solly struggled and whined, pushing his chubby hand into Medic's face and dismantling his glasses, Engineer looked up slowly.

"Oh Lord, you really think so? Ah can't believe mah calculations went so wrong. Announcer's gonna have a fit!"

Oliver put a hand on his shoulder and gave him a thumbs up.

"We'll think about that later. For now, let's gather the rest of the team, ey?"

Medic and Engie nodded.

A few grumbles and grunts later, the rest of the RED team ambled into the rec room.

"What da hell are we doin' here again?" Pippin complained.

Engineer shuffled nervously before steeling himself and nodding to Jasper, who hovered in the doorway.

"Bring him in, Doc."

Might as well get this over with.

For a few moments, the others blinked at the child in Medic's arms. He had quietened down enough to stare at them all in keen interest.

The following reaction wasn't quite what the three involved had in mind.

"Holy crap, you stole a baby, Doc?!"

"DOKTOR STEAL BABY! WHY?!" Heavy waved his large arms around as Scout leapt up from the chair he'd been lounging in.

"Oh jeez, how are we gonna explain dis to the old bat? "Oh hey, sweet cheeks, here's the thing, our good ol' Doc here decided to flip and STEAL A FRICKIN' BABY! PLEASE FORGIVE US!" WE ARE SCREWED!" Scout cried with panic in his eyes.

Bryn the Sniper just stared at the baby in utter bewilderment and Demoman shook his head, dropping the gardening magazine in his left hand.

"Cripes, lads. Medic's lost it."

Pyro had his mask back on so he could only cross his arms and tap his foot at the mistaken path the other REDs had gone down.

"Mmph!"

Only RED Spy went up to Solly to coo over him immediately, not believing for a second that their Medic would do such a thing.

"Gentlemen, sil vous plait, I'm sure that is not the case."

"Didn't think you liked babies, Herr Spy." Jasper whispered with his palm to his face and Felix just smiled.

"I 'ave cousins I used to babysit. I am quite used to children."

Engineer's eye twitched under his goggles until he could stand no more of the shouting.

Solly hid his face as Engie raised his voice over the others.

"QUIET!"

Pure silence answered the angry Texan.

"Good, now that y'all listening, there's something you fellas oughta know."

Medic held up the Soldier as Engineer continued.

"That kid…is Solly."

Scout burst out laughing.

"Oh, that's a good one. Seriously now, who is he?"

His mouth, along with everyone else's dropped open a second later when Soldier pointed at him and shouted;

"MAGGOT!"

"Is zhat enough proof for you?"

Pyro took off his mask again and gestured.

"Sit down, guys. We'll tell you everything."

It took a while to explain the accident that transformed the Soldier into a harmless toddler of two or three years.

"Oh god." Scout spoke up again and Pyro patted his head sympathetically.

Spy eased the burden from Medic by happily taking Lance from him, shifting so that the toddler was balanced on his hip.

"You are ever so sweet with zat hat." He complimented with a warm smile and Soldier puffed his chest out proudly.

"Good hat!"

"Does he remember us? And more importantly, how are we going to tell the Admin?" Bryn asked warily and everyone called dibs to ensure their well-being. "Aw…nac ydw. Why me?"

And so, poor Bryn the Sniper set off on a journey of doom to the Announcer's office while the other hardened mercenaries had to deal with a hyperactive Soldier.

"No Lance, not the wrench!"

* * *

><p>Heehee, I'll end it here because there will have to be multiple parts to this idea, otherwise it would turn into a Godzilla fic, grow arms and legs and start rampaging all over the fandom.<p>

Only Demoman would be able to save us.

But don't worry. The accident will be explained in more detail next time.

Hope you all liked and if Chaos is reading this…Godspeed, you magnificent author of the night. XD

Love Lily. X


	30. Chapter 30

**100 Missions.**

It's time.

It's time for to grow a goddamn moustache and suddenly sport a full head of hair shoved under a cowboy hat! IT'S TIME TO GROW MANLY CHEST HAIR AND PUNCH A GORILLA IN THE FACE!

Why?

BECAUSE JOEY THE BLU SNIPER MEETS HIS IDOL…SAXTON HAAALLE!

Enjoy, you damn frilly ladies that still wear training bras.

* * *

><p>30th Objective: Manly Manliness: The Manly Movie.<p>

Joey the BLU Sniper had never been so insulted in all his life!

That girly little Spy didn't know how to be a real man! Sleeping in a van was how you made it out in the bush!

It totally had nothing to do with the fact that he had the Engineer's teddy bear after the nice guy had given it to him one time when he was feeling homesick and he still hadn't returned it and was afraid of that robotic hand strangling him! NOT AT ALL!

And it doesn't matter that this story will be mainly in capitals and exclamation marks! You lot are still writing about giggly girl Scouts! GET A STORY-WRITING IDEA CRIT AND BLOW UP THE OPPOSITION! WRITE ABOUT EXPLOSIONS AND MAN-EATING TIGERS BITING OFF A PONCEY SCOUT'S ARM! GRR!

Ahem.

The Sniper glared grumpily at the night sky, full of twinkly stars.

"Oi wish Saxton Hale would come kick that hippy's arse."

What he'd forgotten was that Saxton Hale was loyal to every Australian in the entire world and saying his name would magically summon the mighty man. Also, he could hear the word "hippy" from the Arctic. So he was freaked out just a little bit when the aforementioned titan came crashing to the dusty ground, shattering the silence with an unearthly shout of;

"SATON HAAALLE!"

"AARGH!"

When Sniper managed to recover from the shock of almost being crushed by one thousand tons of pure Australian muscle, he immediately got blown backwards by the next sentence from Saxton's mouth.

"DID I HEAR YOU SAY SOMETHING ABOUT KICKING HIPPY ARSE?"

Yes, Saxton Hale didn't have an inside voice!

BUT, THAT IS BECAUSE HE IS A MAN! DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SAXTON HALE?

TOO BAD?

NOT ANYMORE! FOR HE'S CRASHING THROUGH YOUR WINDOW, READY TO KICK YOU RIGHT OUT OF YOUR FRILLY TRAINING BRA!

Sniper saluted, quivering with excitement.

"Yes, Mr Hale, sir!"

The sixth richest man in America cracked his knuckles with a wicked grin.

"BONZA! BUT FIRST, OI NEED YOU TO COME WITH ME! THAT WUSS GRAY MANN IS TRYING TO TAKE OVER MANN CO. AGAIN WITH MOVING TIN CANS! SERIOUSLY, THEY HAVE ARMS AND EVERYTHING!" he yelled and Sniper whooped with joy.

"Holy Dooley, really? Let's go, mate!" he cheered, grabbing his rifle and Huntsman and Saxton clapped him on the back with a roar of laughter, breaking the smaller man's spine. He then reset it with a karate chop.

"OI LOIKE YOU, MATE!"

And with that, Mann Man (FOR THAT IS HIS SUPERHERO NAME! EVEN SUPERMAN CRIES AT THE VERY MENTION OF SAXTON HALE!) grabbed his new sidekick and threw him over his shoulder, springing up into the sky at the speed of Saxton.

They had no measurement for Saxton's incredible speed so they had to scientifically create a new one just for him by colliding two nuclear reactors together!

"MANN MAN AWAY!"

"Oh, Mr Hale, sir!" Sniper squealed.

In no time at all, the two manly Australians were standing in front of a ginormous army of robots, bare fists and weapons at the ready. Gray stood on a podium, his prissy face full of false smugness. In reality, he was just as terrified of Hale as everyone else that was sane.

Excluding the Aussies because they're all one egg short of a bird's nest.

"Prepare to be defeated, Mr Hale! Your brawn and dull wit is no match for my brain and good breeding!" he simpered and Saxton laughed so hard, he thought one of his lungs would fall out.

"OH COME ON, MATE! TIN CANS ON LEGS AREN'T EXACTLY ROCKET SCIENCE THESE DAYS! AM OI ROIGHT, SNIPER?"

He was answered by an arrow whistling past him and embedding itself in twenty robots at once, making them all explode.

"GOOD SHOT, MATE!"

"Aw, no worries." Replied the Sniper bashfully, but there was a pleased grin written all over his extremely handsome face.

No more words were exchanged between the two Aussies and their foe, for the two strapping young men fought off wave after wave of robots with all the ease and grace of deadly Australians taking a stroll through a park full of alligators.

"Now THIS is a knoife!" Joey cackled as he pulled his shiv out of a fizzing robot. He glanced at the sea of grey, metallic corpses strewn all around him, then tilted his hat like a boss as he pulled out his rifle and shot a Sniperbot in the head without even looking.

His idol was having a fantastic time punching robot after robot, not getting at all tired and multitasking. For example, he took out ten robots while eating a fancy steak dinner with Helen the Administrator, another fifty while juggling a koala and reading a Mark Twain novel and he stomped over five giant Heavybots while writing a poem and growing two pumpkins that went into the Guinness Book of Records for being the world's biggest.

TO THIS DAY, NOBODY HAS BEATEN THAT RECORD, SO PUT THOSE DAMN PUMPKIN SEEDS AWAY!

"NOT BREAKIN' A SWEAT!" Saxton chortled as Gray howled in defeat.

Saxton and Joey tramped over to him, not looking back as a Tank exploded because cool guys don't look at explosions.

They just walk away.

"Whot do we do with 'im?" Sniper asked curiously, prodding Gray Mann in the back of his head.

Saxton responded by punching through Mann's skull, finishing him off for good. Sniper nearly wet himself with delight.

Nearly, but not quite; Snipers have standards.

"LET'S GET THAT HIPPY!"

If there was one thing Saxton Hale never forgot to do, it was to beat up hippies. He'd even made it a national holiday in his home country (every Australian participated Beat Up a Hippy Day, from the oldest grannies to newborn babies).

With another yell of triumph, Hale and Joey flew away from the mashed up robot remains (Saxton took some with him to use in a smoothie later) in search of the accursed RED Spy.

"There he is, mate!" Joey shouted, pointing down to where RED Spy was picking daisies with a serene expression. How peaceful.

Not for much longer.

"SAAAAXTOON HAAAALLLEE!"

RED Spy screamed as the mighty leader of Mann Co. landed on his spine.

Joey ran over to Felix and kicked him while he twitched in agony.

"That's for earlier, fruit shop owner!"

"You cannot talk!" Felix whined, already preparing to tell this bizarre chain of events to his therapist.

Sniper glared down at him, suspiciously, Mr Hale poised for action nearby.

"What do you bloody mean?"

"Tea party!" Spy spat and Sniper froze, shivering all over. "I 'eard zat was your favourite past time."

How Spy still breathed, nobody knew.

Saxton dropped his bulky arms and stared quizzically at Sniper.

"IS THIS TRUE?"

Sniper lowered his head and fell to his knees dramatically in the dirt.

"YES! OI CAN'T HIDE IT ANY LONGER!" he wailed while Felix bled out all over the Admin's nice, clean lawn.

There was a tense silence as Hale casually picked Spy up by the scruff of his neck and whirled him over his head thoughtfully.

Then Spy soared towards the conveniently setting sun, crying all the way as Saxton Hale leapt upon the scared Sniper and squeezed him in a bear hug.

"FINALLY! SOMEBODY TO HAVE TEA PARTIES WITH!"

"…Sorry?" Sniper managed to wheeze out.

"OI HAVE THEM A LOT, BRUCE!" Saxton grinned as he proclaimed this loudly for the world to hear. "DIDN'T THINK ANYONE ELSE LOIKED THEM!"

Joey clapped his hands in excitement as he was set down.

"Oi have my own tea set and everything!"

"LET'S HAVE ONE THEN!"

And so, the two best friends sat down wearing top hats to a delicious tea party with only the best cakes and tea provided by Hale himself!

REAL MEN HAVE TEA PARTIES WITH HATS AND EVERYTHING!

…WHAT ARE YOU LADIES STANDING AROUND FOR? GO AND HAVE A DAMN TEA PARTY THIS INSTANT!

Mission Complete.

* * *

><p>I hope you all learnt some very important lessons today…like how to kill a man. And how to defeat your inner fears by punching everyone you meet!<p>

Thanks for the great response to last chapter! Especially from Chaos, dohohohooh...I was very happy about that one. :D

To Shadowofcrabs, I will be bringing out Chapter 16 of Spy Down soon when I can piece it altogether and get out of the Evil Pit of Writer's Block. I want to make it a good 'un, you see.

Night.

Love Lily. X


	31. Chapter 31

**100 Missions.**

You've all watched the amazing TF2 SFM videos flying out of YouTube recently, right? Any of you seen the Bad Horse one?

It inspired me.

Disclaimer: Own NOTHING.

* * *

><p>31st Objective: Bad Horse.<p>

Scout crept quietly along to BLU's intel room, excitement on his face. Pippin Fox couldn't WAIT to grab it and score a victory for his team!

They would be so proud.

Well, it would be great…if the intel was actually THERE.

"Da hell?"

The spot that normally marked the rotating BLU briefcase instead held a note, spiderlike writing scrawled on white paper. Pippin glanced around once, then twice and slowly made his way over, his nosy streak kicking in. A bandaged hand reached and quickly snatched the letter, wincing like the action had been ripping off a plaster. When nothing happened immediately, the RED relaxed and brought it to his eyes. He nearly had a heart attack when three BLUs – Soldier, Engineer and Sniper – all popped out of nowhere wearing cowboy hats. They stared at him mutely.

"Um…"

Somehow, he got the impression that they WANTED him to read it. So, trying to ignore their creepy stares, he lowered his gaze.

Music blared and the three crazed men began to sing.

**Bad Horse,**

**Bad Horse,**

**Bad Horse,**

**Bad Horse,**

**He rides across the nation,**

**The thoroughbred of sin,**

**He got the application,**

**That you just sent in!**

"What application?"

Scout raised an eyebrow as he continued.

**It needs evaluation,**

**So let the games begin,**

**A heinous crime,**

**A show of force,**

**Some murder would be nice of course,**

**Bad Horse,**

**Bad Horse,**

**Bad Horse,**

**He's bad!**

**The Evil League of Evil,**

**Is watching so beware.**

Scout's head shot up as he looked around nervously.

**The grade you'll receive,**

**Will be your last we swear!**

**So make the Bad Horse gleeful,**

**Or he'll make you his mare.**

**THAT didn't sound very pleasant.**

**So saddle up,**

**There's no recourse,**

**It's heigh ho silver!**

**Signed Bad Horse.**

The music stopped and Scout was left standing awkwardly with three BLU cowboys.

"Uh…you can keep this." Pippin began carefully putting the note down and backing away.

The three BLUs smiled happily until he was out of sight. Then the poor boy turned and fled, yelling at his team not to go down there because they were insane, OH MY GOD!

The Soldier laughed first and pretty soon the men present were in stitches.

"You think that put them off?" he chuckled at the corner of the room and Emmett cackled with undisguised glee as he uncloaked.

"I zink they get the message."

Mission Complete.

* * *

><p>Eh, just something random here, nothing special. Hope it was alright!<p>

Love Lily. X


	32. Chapter 32

**100 Missions.**

Here's the second part to Baby! Will Soldier cause enough grief to drive our hardened mercenaries off the edge?

Of course he will!

Once again, thank you Chaos for starting a popular trend.

* * *

><p>32nd Objective: Baby Part 2<p>

Bryn had no idea what he was going to say to her. Helen was like a block of immortal ice at the best of times.

Hoe the hell would she react to this?

All sorts of bad scenarios whirled in the Welshman's head as each heavy tread brought him closer to Soldier's fate, some of them bordering the down - right scary. As Miss Pauling, bless her soul, hurried over with a concerned expression, Sniper could only hope the others were having a less nerve wracking day.

* * *

><p>The wrench lay safely in a high cupboard and Engineer crouched down in front of a pouting Lance, his lower lip jutting out from his too big helmet and his arms crossed as he sat sulking on the kitchen floor.<p>

Pyro and Demoman escaped baby-sitting duties a while back, Heavy sneaking away with them at the last second. Spy, Medic and surprisingly Scout were all rather eager to be the first to keep an eye on the toddler. To save an argument, all three of them were currently seated at the kitchen table, watching Dusty about to discipline Soldier for his unruly behaviour.

"Ya know, son, you don't pick up heavy objects like that at your age!"

Lance harrumphed, glaring out from under his helmet.

"Maggot."

Yep, same old personality.

"Do y'all know why that is?"

Silence for a few seconds.

"Too small." He finally muttered in reply and Engineer nodded. It wasn't quite there, but he knew Solly understood the implications.

"That's good. It's too dangerous for you and you wouldn't wanna git hurt now, would you?"

Soldier sniffed from his place on the floor.

"No."

"Then I think we're done here. Just promise never to touch any of my equipment again."

Soldier held up one hand, pinky finger sticking out.

"Pinky pwomise?"

The Texan chuckled while Felix cooed from somewhere behind them.

"Sure, lil' fella."

Sticking out the little finger of his gloved hand, the pair shook solemnly and Engineer straightened with a groan, snapping on his goggles as he crossed the room.

"I'm going to start figuring out how we can git him back to normal. One of y'all best watch him." He called over his shoulder and Scout waved a hand dismissively.

"Yeah, we got it!"

Medic followed him, saying he might need a biological opinion on this case. Scout rolled his eyes as the Spy and himself were left sitting awkwardly in the kitchen.

"So, ya gonna leave me alone with the kid too?"

Spy smiled.

"Maybe in a minute or so. There is somezhing I need to ask him first."

He swept the giggling boy off the floor and set him down on the table, a hand raised to keep him from falling.

"Do you know who we are, Lance?"

The chubby cheeks widened into a grin.

"Py!"

He pointed at Scout next.

"'Cout!"

"Good on ya! Who are da others?" Scout asked, grinning at the bright tone of his voice.

"Demo, Pywo, Medic, Engie and 'Niper and Heavy!" Soldier replied, nodding wisely.

"Great! At least he still remembers us – hey, where you goin'?"

Spy frowned and yawned.

"I need to go to sleep. I was up all night with paperwork to do. Au revoir."

"Bye!" Soldier called and waved, getting a small wave in reply.

When Spy was out of sight, Scout face-palmed.

"Aw crap, what am I gonna do with ya?" he asked in annoyance and Soldier tugged at his bandages.

"Play, play! Now!"

Pippin folded his arms and raised an eyebrow. If his mother had taught him anything, it was manners (when he remembered).

"Uh uh. What do we say?"

Soldier squinted in thought.

"Pwease?"

Scout grabbed the kid and tickled him, eliciting squeals of delight, a huge smirk on his face.

"That's better!"

A loud rumble cut off their fun and they froze before looking down at Scout's stomach.

"Um…looks like I'm hungry. Ya hungry too?" he asked, prodding the plump little tummy and Lance patted his stomach with a frown.

"Hungwy."

Scout picked up the child and gave him a piggy back ride to the fridge, beaming as Lance clapped his hands and laughed the short distance.

"Well, I'm having his leftover sandwich and a slice of Victoria Sponge. Ya want da same?"

The child seemed thoughtful as he looked over his options. He then pointed curiously to a cheese sandwich and the Sponge – the same meal as Scout.

Scout couldn't help cracking a grin.

"Good choice, pally. Why wouldn't ya wanna be like me?"

* * *

><p>Engineer babbled a little under his breath as he scribbled equations on the blackboard with his chalk and Medic played at being an interested audience, nodding every once in a while. Eventually he couldn't keep in the burning question.<p>

"Vill he be able to be returned to normal?"

Engineer slowly put down his chalk and took off his hat, rubbing at his cropped head wearily.

"To be honest with ya, Doc, I think he can. But I'm no closer to finding the solution yet. He may have to turn back by himself naturally and I have no idea how long that will take."

Jasper groaned, standing up from the bench and hearing bones creak.

"Ack, zhis is terrible."

"Speakin' of terrible, I wonder how ol' Stretch is doin'?"

Bryn, as it turned out, was quaking in his boots as he placed himself unwillingly before the dreaded Administrator. He was already mentally writing his will.

_**And I want my van to go home to my parents –**_

"Speak. I haven't got all day."

Bryn straightened up at once, trying not to let his worry show and took his hat off respectfully.

"Ma'am…we have a small problem."

The bony woman sitting with her left leg folded over her right behind the desk raised an eyebrow.

"Explain."

"Well, it's like this, y'see…our Soldier is now a toddler. And we don't know why." Bryn fiddled with the rim of his hat in agitation as he spoke, waiting for her to fire the lot of them and them have them all assassinated for good measure.

Instead, she swivelled her chair towards the blank camera feeds and switched the screens on, bathing herself and the Sniper in their electronic glow. Rewinding the footage to this morning, she watched the failed experiment intently. Bryn gulped as she faced him, a bemused frown marring her features.

"Really now, that was rather irresponsible. He's one of our best fighters."

What?

Her tone sounded stern and cold, but there was only a faint trace of annoyance in it as well. She wasn't going to scream bloody murder?

"It can't be helped, I suppose. While I don't normally object to your little "experiments", I might have to ban them if this keeps happening. With that said, accidents happen. I expect a video conference with the Engineer and the Medic TONIGHT. We must find a way of dealing with this or Lance the Soldier will have to be sent home for our own good."

The bored tone returned as she said her little speech and Sniper gaped in astonishment.

"I will not tolerate toddlers running around my battlefield. I will also be docking Engineer and Medic's pay and stop all of your wages for a year if this is not rectified. I do not accept FAILURE, Mr Jones."

The boss glared at the mercenary as he nodded mutely.

"Good, now leave me. I must think about the next course of action."

She steeped the pads of her fingers together as Sniper strode out of the room, jamming his hat on as he went. He couldn't believe how well that had gone.

The Announcer stared quietly at the screens in contemplation.

* * *

><p>And there you have it, Announcer's immediate reaction to Soldier's predicament. Oddly enough, she isn't screaming "KILL THAT CHILD!" for once. It seems she's been thrown by this instead. Surprised?<p>

Hope it was enjoyable!


	33. Chapter 33

**100 Missions.**

Here is the next chapter of Baby. Fluffy times will be ahead, with a shower of rainbows coming in from the east.

Enjoy!

* * *

><p>33rd Objective: Baby Part 3.<p>

The Soldier appeared to be having a great deal of fun with Pyro as the two sat at the kitchen table, colouring to their heart's content with scraps of paper stolen from Medic's ward and a pack of stubby wax crayons. Solly's feet swung from the chair as he held the red crayon in a chunky fist. He'd haughtily pushed away the blue crayon with a shout of "MAGGOT!" Clearly the colour blue would always be beneath him. Tugging on Pyro's glove, Lance proudly showed him the picture of Scout and himself eating what appeared to be green triangles. Pyro chuckled and patted his helmet.

"Good job, ey?"

"Yes!" he squeaked.

Spy wandered in at that precise moment and caught Lance yawning into his hand.

"Come petit, time for bed now." He said tunefully as he picked up the sleepy boy.

"No! No wanna!" Soldier whined indignantly, suddenly becoming lively as he tried to wiggle free.

Spy indulged him for a moment, partly because Soldier had just kicked him in the ribs, making him wince. As soon as the little boy's feet hit the floor, he scampered away, giggling at the thought of this new, extremely funny game.

Pyro laughed as Felix looked alarmed and darted off after him.

Engineer and Medic walked out from a thorough telling off by the Announcer to see Lance whizz by, Spy panting after him a few seconds later.

"Excusez moi."

Five seconds later, the running pair passed a confused Adrik as well, the Demoman glancing behind him while they ran, watching the French man call after the happy Soldier in the corridor.

"Please Soldier! Stop this now, you need to go to bed!"

"NO!"

Scout and Sniper chuckled as Spy finally caught up to the naughty toddler, sweeping the boy off his small feet and blowing raspberries on his tummy before the child could start grizzling.

"Who'd have thought?" Scout said aside to Engineer as Spy rubbed his cheek against Lance's, a warm beam on his masked face and the child's laughter echoing through the corridor.

"Shucks, I always thought Spy was too darn fancy for this sorta thing."

Spy eventually managed to wrestle Lance into bed at nine o'clock. By then, the boy was so tired that he simply gave up the fight. The other men exhaled in relief, having ended up assisting Spy in the end.

"Mein got, he's asleep." Jasper whispered, looking tired himself.

"Aye, I think we earned an early night, right lads?"

Everyone agreed and shuffled off to their respective beds. Engineer noticed dark clouds coming in from the north and shrugged, thinking nothing of it.

"Looks like we're gittin' a storm tonight."

It affected Soldier more than they realised, for as a little boy, he'd been afraid of thunderstorms.

The first crash of thunder and spark of lightning woke him up around five minutes past midnight.

"Hic…go away!"

Soldier held on to his helmet, simply named Hat, and cried as more lightning lit up the dark room and showed him the threatening shadows in the corner. His tears were reflected every time the lightning struck.

"Mommy…"

More sniffling and whimpering followed as he scrubbed furiously at his wet eyes.

"No! Brave, big boy now."

The clap of thunder proved otherwise. Solly could take no more, jumping out of his bed and clutching his Hat close as he reached for the door handle on tip toe. Succeeding in pushing the door wide open, the child ran for the first person he thought of – Spy.

"Py! Py! Me no wanna storm no more!"

The boy sobbed as he shoved his way into Spy's bedroom, starting to call in a louder voice as he felt more fear.

"Huh? Who is it?" Spy's sleepy voice slurred as he sat up wildly, woken suddenly by the small commotion.

"Py…I-I'm scared. The monster's gonna eat me!" Lance wailed, brown eyes showing his fear as he sniffed and pointed to the storm outside.

Felix's heart melted into a puddle all over the floor.

"Oh bebe…come, come! It is alright." He hushed soothingly as he pulled the boy off the carpet and into the warmth and comfort of his arms.

"But…but…monster THIS big!" the toddler answered as he widened his arms.

Felix chuckled.

"Non petit, zere is no monster. Your room is perfectly safe."

When he saw the sceptical look, he sighed lightly and slid his feet into his slippers, picking out the torch in his bedside drawer. "I will show you and if 'e is zere, I will chase 'im away, oui?"

Lance giggled, wiping his face.

"You said wee."

Spy's lips turned upwards.

* * *

><p>Felix found the rocking chair in the living room and parked himself in it, holding Soldier firmly against his chest. The boy was still frightened of the storm, even as RED Spy shone the torch aggressively into the corners, pretending to scare the bad guys away. He'd remembered the rocking chair and after seeing faint memories of his mother rocking him to sleep with a song or two thrown in, Spy knew it might just work.<p>

At the moment, he was trying to think of a lullaby.

"Och, what's going on here then?"

The two craned their necks towards Demoman.

"Demo, Py chase monsters away." Soldier mumbled cutely. "Scawy storm go boom."

"Aye, that right? Spy's good for doing that, ye ken?"

"Yeah."

Spy smiled wanly.

"I am struggling to come up with a song to 'elp him sleep."

Demoman shrugged away thoughts of a midnight snack as the perfect lullaby came to mind.

"How 'boot this, lads?"

Taking a breath, Guy began to sing "A Noble Maiden Fair" in his native Scottish Gaelic.

**A naoidhean bhig**

**cluinn mo ghuth**

**Mise ri d' thaobh**

**o mhaighdean bhan**

Spy caught on to the tune quickly and hummed calmly along with it as he rocked gently back and forth with both hands wrapped around the baby on his lap. Solly seemed to enjoy the song immensely as he yawned and buried his silky head into the crook of Felix's neck.

"Night night."

Felix kissed the top of Lance's head as the boy drifted off to sleep. Guy finished the song with a grin, watching the reserved Spy resume humming the song and rub his hand along Lance's back, staring into space.

"I'll be on me way then. He said with a wink (not that anyone could tell) and Felix snapped out of his trance.

"Oui, zank you Demoman." he replied softly, unwilling to wake the child.

"No problem."

Demoman whistled as he left the peaceful scene to eat a midnight snack.

The mercenaries found the Spy and Soldier curled up in the rocking chair the next morning, fast asleep and looking very content.

Mission Complete.

* * *

><p>Well, there's the next chapter of Baby. Hope it was sweet enough – my own teeth have fallen out because of this.<p>

Love Lily. X


	34. Chapter 34

**100 Missions.**

Here it is – an MvM based fic (from the comic, "A Fate Worse than Chess!"). I'm going to be making a couple of these, some sad/serious and some funny, so stay tuned!

Please review!

* * *

><p>34th Objective: Robotic Apocalypse.<p>

Medic had no idea how to react.

He'd personally never met Saxton Hale or received a pre-recorded video from him – until now.

And it was only to tell them that they were going to die at the hands of murderous robots, or lose their jobs, in a cheerful manner! The smaller BLU glanced at the BLU Heavy, wondering how he was taking all of this. He seemed calm but thoughtful and Medic could only imagine the philosophy churning in Heavy's mind.

What was strange was that for the first time ever, RED and BLU would be working TOGETHER, fighting TOGETHER and maybe dying TOGETHER.

To be honest, it sent a shiver down his spine, but the stoic German refused to show it in front of the men and one lady gathered around the TV right now. As Medic continued to listen to the instructions, he pushed the worries to the back of his mind for later. It would be fine.

After all, they still had Respawn.

* * *

><p>No, they didn't have Respawn, not anymore.<p>

How could they have let this happen? How could they have let that Sentry Buster/Spy Bot wave hit the one thing that might have helped them secure victory?

"My skills are vasted on zhis team." He muttered, but not loud enough for the other hiding mercenaries to hear.

BLU Medic was angry, but not with his team mates – and he didn't want to hurt anyone's sense of pride.

RED Spy wasn't so considerate.

"Well, zat was unfortunate. Maybe we should 'ave been paying more attention, yes?"

"We? I think you mean certain individuals, don't ya, Spah? We all know you like lookin' fer folks to blame." RED Engineer replied, a bitter edge to his voice.

"Now zat you mention it…" The Spy took a drag out of his cigarette and glanced sneakily at the BLU Engineer and BLU Soldier.

The other Texan hung his head while the Soldier glared.

"I'll have you know that Engie's a good soldier, goddammit!" the American hissed, bristling as he defended his team mate and missing the fact that the subtle jibe was aimed at him as well.

"BLAMING OTHERS will not get us anywhere!" RED Soldier reprimanded, striking his fist on the makeshift meeting table.

The BLU Medic had to admit that the RED wasn't as moronic as he looked. When he'd built the fake Mann buildings with the help of the Engineers, he's thought of many security systems, including the extra underground base they were currently hiding in. They were here trying to think of a strategy that would save all of their hides, so they could win this stupid war quickly and fix Respawn; maybe they could earn a well-deserved vacation while they were at it.

BLU Spy gently edged his way into the conversation, his voice softer and milder than his RED counterpart.

"Please, can we not settle zis properly?" he chided, moving to verbally restrain the Soldiers from ganging up on the RED Spy. "I…would like to end zis soon."

The wistful expression on his face seemed to diffuse the growing tension and each Soldier patted the well-respected French man in an awkward attempt at comfort. Indeed, the BLU Spy appeared to have made more friends than enemies since they'd begun their attack on the machines together. The RED Spy eyed him with contempt for a moment before shoving past the bewildered BLU to study the map again.

RED Sniper put a hand on his thin shoulder.

"Ah, Oi'm sorry, mate. Spy's a bit…poncey."

The BLU chuckled and slid carefully away to tap RED Soldier and lead him away from the sixteen mercenaries that accompanied them. BLU Medic sighed as he turned to drink in the fresh air that spewed in from the entrance.

Time to face another day.

* * *

><p>Kind of a short one. I used the original boys for this and I have this little head canon where the two Spies are the same in looks, but the BLU one is softer and kinder than the RED. RED will happily brew up an argument and turn people against each other, while BLU will play peacemaker and wish for everyone to get along. After all, their voices are slightly different as well. I think there was proof that my head canon actually exists when I read the Smissmas comic and the Halloween comic. RED Spy clearly couldn't give a damn about children, while BLU was willing to protect the child under his care, in his strange Spy way. XD Plus that piggy back he gave the boy at the end was adorable.<p>

Also, I like to think that the BLU Soldier is less insane than the RED, but not as clever in terms of war strategy like RED is, the wily old dog.

Anyway, expect more Crazy Town stuff soon, for I've written too many serious ones lately, that actually have a plot. Who the hell needs a plot in their stories? XD

Love Lily. X


	35. Chapter 35

**100 Missions.**

Here are eight times Soldier took care of his team – and the one time they looked after him. Will try to bring the next chapter of Baby out soon, as well as that darn Spy Down!

* * *

><p>35th Objective: Take Care.<p>

Sniper doesn't say anything.

He doesn't need to.

Soldier sits down patiently beside him, silent for once in his life, and takes off his helmet. A strong hand places itself on the lanky marksman's shoulder as the pressured man buries his face in his arms with his knees drawn up and hat discarded on the ground. He looks so pitiful that Soldier feels sorry for him.

There is a long pause.

"My parents hate me."

It's a small mumble, blunt and dead, that rouses the military man from his thoughts.

"What do you mean, private?"

The Sniper's glossy head lifts into a blank stare.

"Who would be proud of a crazed gunman?"

Soldier never hesitates.

"I would. Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally." He says quietly with a small quirk of his lips.

Sniper chuckles dryly.

"That's real noice of you, mate. Forgive me if I foind it hard to believe."

He slumps back into his former position and it shows Soldier's team loyalty when he stays with the lonely man all night.

* * *

><p>"What's the matter, big fella?"<p>

Heavy sniffles sadly.

"Scout ate my sandvich."

"I'm surprised the little maggot isn't dead yet." Soldier answers with a snort and Heavy cracks his knuckles.

"He will be because I am going to kill him and kill him - !"

The Soldier interrupts quickly.

"I think I get it."

Heavy whines like an overgrown puppy as he gazes with a wobbly lip at the crumb-filled plate. Soldier strokes his broad chin for a moment and then snaps his fingers.

"Tell you what; I'll make you a new one!"

Heavy whips round dramatically.

"Da?!"

"Yes! And it will be the meatiest, most American and goddamn delicious sandwich you will ever eat! Do I make myself clear?" Soldier shouts triumphantly and Heavy nods with just as much enthusiasm.

"SANDVICH! HA!"

Soldier snickers as he flexes proudly and stomps into the kitchen, making a mental note to talk to Scout later.

* * *

><p>Something tugs almost shyly at his sleeve.<p>

"Huh? It'd better not be a damn Spy!"

Soldier turns to stare Pyro down.

"Oh. Hello there, maggot."

Pyro waves cheerfully back and holds up a book.

"I see you've got another story book. Is Engie going to read to you again?" Soldier asks, restraining himself from rolling his blue eyes because reading bedtime stories is for sissies and - !

"Hurr…" Pyro's head droops.

"Oh, I get it! He's too busy tonight, huh? Well, maybe you'll finally get round to those press ups that I set you!" he scolds loudly.

Pyro puts the book by his booted feet and gets down on his knees, begging the Soldier to read to him with big soulful eyes (or lenses anyway).

"Grr…alright." Soldier grumbles as he gives in to the little fire devil's demand and stoops to pick up the book.

"THE THREE LITTLE PIGS? Lady, you need a manlier book than this!" he cries and Pyro tilts his head curiously.

"Mmph?"

"Boy, it's time I taught you about 'The Art of War.'"

* * *

><p>Spy still won't put down his cloak.<p>

"Spooky, come on! You're acting like a little girl and I bet you even wear a frilly training bra! Come out from that goddamn corner or wherever the hell you are right now before I pull your arms off!"

The Soldier's violent threats don't seem to faze the suddenly mute Frenchman in the slightest, for there is no magical appearance.

"WHY won't you come out from there? Both Medic AND Engie tried a few minutes ago and I'm their last hope! YOU HEAR THAT? Their LAST HOPE! I will NOT let them down!" Soldier yells, feeling like he's talking to a toddler.

He has no idea why Spy is throwing a silent tantrum anyway.

"I'm going to count. If you don't get out here, you're not participating in the barbeque tonight."

The Soldier's voice is low and deadly and Spy freezes from his embarrassed hiding spot under the table. Everyone LOVES Engineer's barbeques and the banning of a member from one is rare, but it has happened (he still remembers Scout's anguish). Even Spy will cry if he gets banned. So slowly, he inches his way out from the table and de-cloaks in front of a smug American, whose face immediately contorts in an attempt to not laugh.

"Oh maggots alive…I see why you hid now."

The poor European is covered head to toe in flour, looking thoroughly depressed about it.

"What the hell happened?" he manages and Spy groans shamefully.

"I…was cleaning ze kitchen, for I have cleaning duties zis week."

Soldier nods, having memorised this week's roster like he always does to make sure everyone does their fair share.

"Go on, private." His voice is surprisingly calm and sympathetic.

"I accidently knocked over the bag of flour and now look at moi! I am covered in zis…zis filth!" Spy cries, his voice moving upwards into a wail towards the end. "I cannot let anyone see me like this! My poor suit…"

Soldier thinks hurriedly.

"Run to the shower room right away. I'll go with you and stand outside so no one can enter, alright? You should have done that in the first place anyway." Soldier replies, rolling his eyes at the unusual lack of common sense Spy is displaying.

Spy's cheeks flush pink.

"Oui…I did not want anyone to see me. Zat is why I 'id." He mutters in shame.

Soldier crosses the length of the room and carefully opens the door, sticking his head out to check if the coast is clear.

"We're fine, twinkle toes! Now move out!"

The two men manage to run to the showers with no interruptions (it seemed that fate was on their side for once) with Soldier humming Mission Impossible all the way and Spy gratefully nods to the rough and ready colleague.

"Zank you for being a dear friend. Your efforts are appreciated."

"Yeah yeah, just go and have your shower already. I will not tolerate my men smelling this bad!"

* * *

><p>Soldier wonders why the kitchen looks like one of the Demo's bombs have hit it.<p>

"For god's sake! Why can't I do this?"

The angry tone belonging to Scout catches his attention and the older man turns to see Scout trying in vain to pull off a burnt cookie from the grease proof foil.

Clearly his efforts have failed dramatically.

"Ma always made it look so easy!"

Soldier decides to intervene.

"What is going on here, maggot?"

Scout leaps round with the guiltiest expression Soldier has witnessed in a while. He is obviously waiting for Soldier to start telling him off.

"I was makin' cookies, dummy! S'not like I was gonna let any of you have any either!" he blurts out defensively and Soldier blinks at the blatant lie.

"You always end up sharing your food, so don't give me that crap." He grunts and Scout huffs.

"Guess that means I gotta do cleaning duties now." He folds his arms and pouts.

Soldier smiles slyly.

"Yes…but I don't think you could deal with this by yourself, could you, you little wimp? And after that, you are getting an intensive cookie baking session! It will push you to your very limits! Or do you need your momma to hold your hand through this life lesson?"

He peers out from under his helmet to see Scout smirking.

"Bring it on, old man!"

The cookies they present to the team on the kitchen table are delicious.

* * *

><p>Engineer isn't a weak man, especially being the guy that lugs toolboxes around on the battlefield all day. However, even he eyes the nine foot pile of heavy scrap metal with apprehension as he realises he has to enlist someone's help.<p>

But who?

The Spy, Scout and Pyro can't lift metal like this, no matter how hard Scout and Pyro both protest (Spy just nods quietly and leaves the Engineer to his own devices). The Demoman and Heavy have gone grocery shopping with Medic so they're discarded options and Sniper is still having personal problems of his own and Engineer doesn't want to bother him. That means the only person left is Soldier.

Sighing, Engineer leaves the pile to see if he can find him. Half an hour later, the Engineer arrives back on his own, unable to find that crazy son of a gun anywhere. If only he didn't keep locking himself in the War Room every weekend - !

Wait.

What?

Standing by the scrap metal with his back to the approaching Texan is the Midwesterner himself, a set expression of determination on his chiselled face as he picks up the next load. His helmet is lying neatly on an upturned box and his jacket has been thrown carelessly next to it, leaving the muscular man in his white t-shirt and combat trousers.

Solly noticed?

He noticed the pile and decided to offer his help? Nobody does that normally for good ol' Engie.

"Howdy pardner." He says roughly, feeling slightly choked up at the extension of goodwill.

"Hello Engie!" the other American calls cheerfully. "I thought I'd get started on this scrap, seeing as you'd disappeared for a moment. Were you really thinking about doing this all by yourself?"

Engineer chuckles at the sudden look of concern.

"Naw, I was actually lookin' for you anyway. Much obliged." He intones in his mild manner and hauls up his own pieces.

The two men work side by side, laughing and chatting in the heat of the midday sun.

* * *

><p>"I'm a bloody monster!"<p>

Everyone growls. Not this again.

It's that time of night on the weekend. The Demoman always becomes totally wrecked and wallows in the self-pity, blubbering stories about the loss of his eye and how the Loch Ness Monster will finally kill him. Everyone's learnt to ignore this attention seeking behaviour by now.

Except for Soldier.

He waits until everyone has retired for the evening and takes a seat next to Demo with his own beer bottle.

"You are being a total sissy, you know that?" he queries, poking the Scotsman in the arm.

Tavish groans in response.

"Pain train station in Train Town…" he slurs through one hand on his face and Soldier pokes him again.

"Yeah, that's nice. Look sonny, you can't keep wallowing in self-pity forever!"

He's so annoyingly happy tonight.

"Will ye shut oop?"

Soldier brazenly takes no notice and carries on his little speech obliviously.

"You know why? Because that is for emotional, hormonal pregnant women! You need to man up, lady, because I don't like my men in this sort of state! I want my boys at the peak of their fighting career EVERY DAY!"

Demoman quietens down and raises his head, an eerie glint in his one remaining brown eye.

"If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must FIGHT!" Soldier clenched his fist. "Sun Tzu said that! And I'd say he knows a bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it! So buck up your ideas and sit up straight! Otherwise I'll boot you so far up your ass, your other eye will fall out as well! Got it?"

He is satisfied and pleased when Demoman salutes him clumsily.

"Aye aye, Cap'n!"

"Good! Now let's get drunk the old fashioned American way!"

The drunkards are found with only their underwear on outside in the dirt the next morning, sleeping solidly with boots on their head.

* * *

><p>The German is utterly frantic. Medic doesn't normally lose his composure like this, but this time he's lost both Archimedes and Hippolyta and he can't find them anywhere! He tends not to worry about Archie so much but Hippolyta is one of two females in the flock and so precious to him! She's one of two chances at breeding this summer and Medic wants two nests of adorable chicks not one!<p>

"HIPPOLYTA? ARCHIMEDES? KOMM ZU PAPA!" he cries, all sorts of horrible thoughts rushing through his head.

What if they've been eaten in the forest by a fox or stray cat? What if they've been run over by a truck? What if the BLUs finally decided to hit him where it hurts and kill his beloved darlings to avenge their irritating BLU Spy?

Oh god…the Sniper and Heavy are practising with their guns right now! His babies are at the training range, he can feel it in his bones!

"MAMA'S COMING, SWEETIES!"

Anybody listening would have fallen about laughing. Medic doesn't care.

"Oh mein gott!" he squeals in panic when he sees Archimedes and Hippolyta nuzzled up together on one of the targets (he would have melted if the situation weren't so dire). Losing his head completely, he starts running out towards the doves.

"STOP SHOOTING! ARCHIMEDES, HIPPOLYTA, COME BACK HERE!"

The Heavy and Sniper lower their weapons, bewildered at the sight of their stoic Medic shrieking and waving his gloved hands about as he chases two mischievous birds, who are now flying in the opposite direction. He looks close to tears.

"DON'T WORRY, MY DEARS! DADDY'S HERE NOW!" Sniper starts to snigger but stops at the glare from Heavy. Nearby, the Soldier sets down his cleaning equipment, putting one hand on his hip and the other covering his wide mouth, his eyes narrowed in calculation.

He watches the progress of Medic and his doves for a while.

"You are both SO naughty! Schweinhunds! You are a bad influence on her, Archimedes!" Medic shouts, stamping his foot in a cross manner as he stares hopelessly at Archimedes and Hippolyta nestled on the roof. "You could DIE here!"

Without warning, there is the sound of a rocket launching and Medic's jaw drops in horror when Soldier magically appears on the rooftop.

"Oh mein gott!" he squeaks, covering his icy eyes in fear for the lives of his doves.

Instead the bystanders hear a gentle crooning.

"C'mere sweethearts."

Medic risks a peek and gapes in shock as the hardened soldier of war carefully climbs down with two white doves resting contently on his shoulders.

"There you go, Doc! Your birds are safe." He says casually, like he hadn't suddenly turned into Dr Doolittle.

Medic coos in delight as his babies fly to him and perch in his arms, chirruping as he snuggles them.

"NEVER do zhat again! Mama was getting all scared, ja he vas!"

The German continues to babble nonsense at them for a moment longer before he gazes at Soldier tearfully.

"You are a hero to zhem!"

Soldier rubs his neck modestly.

"I just brought them down from the roof, Medic."

Neither Heavy nor Sniper missed the small smile he'd laid upon the reunion seconds previously.

"Soldat, they have a request for you!" Medic replies breathlessly.

"Oh?"

"Vill you be the godfather of zheir chicks?" Eager eyes follow his awkward expression.

Silence.

"Umm…"

* * *

><p>It is chaos.<p>

Every mercenary is crowded around the Medic, Demoman and Soldier and Medic is growing impatient.

"Get back, he needs breathing space! Raus!"

Demoman pushes the others away and Medic returns to assessing the unconscious Soldier. Muttering and worry runs in a thick current through the assembled mercenaries as they all continue to hover, unsure of what to do. The Soldier's unsteady breathing mingles with it.

He was quiet throughout breakfast, but nobody really showed any concern. He'd cleared away the dishes easily enough as well. After that though, he went downhill quickly, fainting on the spot whilst coming back from the kitchen.

"What's wrong with him?" Scout's asking in a tiny voice, acting out of character.

Medic sighs.

"He is running a high temperature. Herr Heavy, if you would, bitte?"

"Da, Doctor." Heavy rumbles and lifts the limp Soldier into his beefy arms as if he were a small kitten.

It's disconcerting to say the least.

Soldier is strong and self-sufficient and to see him so helpless…

Nobody speaks as they watch Heavy carry him away. But they all follow the Medic, regardless of him trying to shoo them off.

The Soldier wakes to his entire team shoved into the Medic's office (the man himself does not look happy at this development).

"What the hell are you girls all doing here?" he croaks, too tried to muster up the energy to shout like he normally would and shivers a bit.

"We were worried, ya darn thing." Engineer speaks up for everyone and Soldier lays there, his eyes fluttering and his feverish mind trying to absorb this.

"Why would you want to look after ME?" The man sounds genuinely confused.

"You always care for us! Now it is our turn." Heavy says and the big grins on everyone's faces as Heavy puts down the sandwich on his bedside table for him to eat fills the Soldier's heart with foreign but not unwelcome warmth.

"Hrn." He grunts, "Thanks. I'll need time to get used to lying around."

The gruffness in his voice makes everyone laugh.

Soldier leans back and closes his hot, aching eyes with a smile.

Mission complete.

* * *

><p>There you are, a late Halloween fic. Sort of. The real one will come up soon, sorry for the lateness. This was already an idea but I became even more inspired when the new Halloween comic came out!<p>

The Soldier cares about his team, OH MY GOSH! Too gruffly sweet for words. Also, I think Jinny will understand where the Medic's total breakdown came from. XD

Love Lily. X


	36. Chapter 36

**100 Missions.**

The Halloween special will be late and I'm sorry about that. Just can't seem to get the mojo for it right now. I have another Bloopers session for you all though! Enjoy!

* * *

><p>36th Objective: Meet the Engineer Bloopers!<p>

The Engineer started to strum his guitar.

"And action!"

"Kumbaya, mah Lord, kumbaya!" Engineer burst out into song and everybody laughed, the two Snipers and BLU Engineer joining in with big grins.

"Oh god, make it stop!" RED Scout cried in horror.

"CUT!"

**BLOOPERS!**

The Engineer kicked the hand away and it smacked BLU Heavy in the face.

"AGH! GETITOFF, GETITOFF!"

"Shucks, sorry!" RED Engineer called apologetically.

"Cut!"

**BLOOPERS!**

"And action!" the Director called and the Engineer smiled.

"Now how am I gonna stop some mean ol' mother hubbard from tearing me a structurally…bleh. Answer; get my lines wrong. And if that don't work, get more of mah lines wrong!"

"How hard is it for you people to read your scripts?" moaned the Director amidst chuckles.

**BLOOPERS!**

Engineer plucked a string on his guitar and it snapped.

"Darn."

**BLOOPERS!**

The sentry beeped but it didn't shoot at the BLU Sniper like it was supposed to.

"Huh."

It then exploded in a shower of sparks.

"Dagnabbit!"

"Cut!"

**BLOOPERS!**

The Engineer just sat there, pouting.

"What on Earth is the matter with you?" Director asked in confusion.

"…Ran out of beer." Engineer grunted.

"Ah can fix that!" BLU Engineer yelped with a grin and a crate of beer.

"Thanks mister!"

"Can we just go back to filming now?" grumbled the Director as the two Texans had a campfire.

* * *

><p>That was short, I know. And can I start screaming because OH MY GAUHD, I've gone past one hundred reviews! One hundred reviews for 100 Missions, woohoo! Thank you to EVERYONE who made that possible.<p>

*wipes away tear*

You WILL all get your reward, I promise.

Love Lily. X


	37. Chapter 37

**100 Missions.**

Hello all! It's me again and here is a fic resulting from me taking lemon fics too literally.

You heard me. LEMON.

* * *

><p>37th Objective: All the World's a Lemon.<p>

He didn't think it would ever be this way.

He never thought he'd walk through the door and see…that.

There had been so much passion. So much chemistry between the two men that barely spent time together in the first place. They were such an unlikely couple.

Scout stared in shock into the rec room, unable to take his eyes off the scene. It was like a car crash in slow motion, but this time, HE was the one flying through the windshield. Why would they do that in the rec room (a public area!) of all places?! What was running through the few brain cells that still remained when they decided upon this?

If there was one thing Scout was certain about right now, it was that he was mentally scarred for life.

Slowly, he backed out of the room and ran to the Medic's office.

"DOC!"

The two men looked up from their contemplation of a single lemon sitting in the middle of the table.

It was deep and philosophical.

"What's his problem?" Demoman asked.

Pyro shrugged and the two returned to wondering whether they could make combustible lemons.

Mission Complete.

* * *

><p>…What did you expect?<p>

Yes, I know it's short, but I wanted it to be short and sweet.

Now, I can finally tell you what your reward is for the 100+ reviews

REQUESTS.

That's right. You tell me what to do. I am now your mindless fanfiction drone, dedicated to writing whatever happens to jump to your mind (apart from yaoi or yuri. Sorry.) and crying because nobody gives me cookies.

Send in whatever springs to your head and I'll work on the ones that I've already got in the meantime. See you all soon!

Love Lily. X


	38. Chapter 38

**100 Missions.**

Hello! So, here is the request that Xguy110 made for another ASTF! Enjoy!

* * *

><p>38th Objective: ASTF2!<p>

"Honey, do you like my new shoes?"

Without looking up from his newspaper, the BLU Engineer replied;

"You are a dispenser, darlin'."

The dispenser was outraged.

"I CAN DREAM, ENGIE!"

**ASTF!**

"Now Scout, don't touch that cactus." RED Engineer said warningly as the two stood next to the green plant in the desert.

RED Scout threw himself on it without even screaming in pain, the freaky child.

"You're dead to me." Engineer growled.

**ASTF!**

"Pfft, screw gravity!" BLU Scout scoffed at Merasmus and lifted off into the heavens.

Merasmus stared in joyful awe.

**ASTF!**

"I'm gonna do the internet!" RED Pyro shouted and was instantly engulfed in a whirlwind of sparkly rainbows at the push of a button.

"Well, I'm gonna do a book!" BLU Pyro cried and pressed down on a page.

Nothing happened.

"Aw." Said Pyro in disappointment.

**ASTF!**

"Die, potato!"

"Nooo!" the potato squealed as BLU Demoman stepped on him with a splat.

**ASTF!**

BLU Scout looked down at his pie one day and became inspired.

"I wanna be a pie!"

BLU Scout's mother found him as a pie in the oven later and was devastated.

"Baby, no!"

**ASTF!**

"Did you eat my sandwich?" RED Heavy asked the RED Demoman.

"I am your sandwich." He replied with a straight face and was promptly swallowed whole.

**ASTF!**

"Spoi, why is the sentry on fire?" RED Sniper asked in confusion as the sentry beeped happily.

RED Spy just flailed at him in anger.

"BUY ME MORE JEWELLRY!"

**ASTF!**

"I vonder if mein bird can fly?"

Archimedes floated off into the sky to cheerful music.

"Huh." BLU Medic responded.

Mission Complete.

* * *

><p>Kind of short but I had way too much fun doing it! *grins*<p>

I'M GOING TO SEE RISE OF THE GUARDIANS!

It looks wonderful. It's been getting into a lot of debates over the internet and I don't understand why we can't even appreciate a decent movie anymore without arguing about it. I remember the good ol' days when we would see a film and one would turn to the other and say;

"That was a good movie."

"Yeah."

The end.

Eh, but what do I know?

And I'm terribly sorry to the guest reviewer (although I have a good idea who it might be) who wanted gravy. I've made you a batch as an apology. *gives giant pot of gravy*

Love you guys and keep the requests coming!

Love Lily. X


	39. Chapter 39

**100 Missions.**

Hey all! This isn't a request chapter this time, but I hope you'll like it. You all know about the amazing Sniper statue that's recently come out, right? And you all hopefully saw the TF2 homepage.

That's right; Sniper's not a happy boy.

Now, I have two ideas inspired from this and the crack-tastic one will be completed at some stage. But I decided to shove a load of depressing Sniper feels in your faces for this chapter.

Muahaha.

Enjoy…

* * *

><p>39th Objective: Statue.<p>

He's horrified and confused.

Sniper is a private person. He doesn't like bloody dinner parties or the spotlight…hell, he barely goes out socialising, for god's sake.

And now this happens.

They made a fourteen inch tall embarrassment to professionals everywhere.

Which was a shame because the only professional here happens to be him.

But he doesn't feel like one right now.

They sent him a free statue of himself in the mail and Sniper unwittingly opened it in front of everyone at the table. How could he not have guessed?

The silence was broken by Scout mocking his ears. Some of the others had statues already and quite liked them.

They laughed.

He didn't.

And he's sitting in his little van in the corner, humiliated with burning cheeks with the statue thrown away from him at the opposite end of his home.

He hates it.

He hates his teammates.

He hates THEM.

He hates Saxton Hale.

Which is shattering because he'd looked up to that man, especially when he was young. He'd kept that guy in his mind as someone to be like, to escape the clumsy body he was forced to live in when he got bullied by the other kids. It was hope to hold on to. The hope is gone now.

Most Australians like him. The nation as a whole worship the ground that man walked on because he is so good at being FAKE.

That brings his hooded eyes under acid yellow aviators back to the abomination and his dark thoughts back to their centre.

Worst of all…Sniper hates himself.

He tells himself (and everyone else) that he's a "professional assassin".

However, _he's_ a sham too.

The professionalism hides insecurity about himself. Mundy's doubted himself for years, thanks to Australian barbarian culture and his father. He is scrawny, runty and has big ears and crooked teeth. He's tall, but not muscular and definitely lacks a moustache. No woman ever went near him at home.

And now the whole world will understand how weird and abnormal he really is.

Oh God…Dad and Mum are going to be so disappointed in him, more than usual.

Sniper's eyes widen and his pupils shrink as he huddles in the shadows, hands wildly gripping his face as his breathing accelerates and constricts until he's gasping, breaking down slowly.

He can't breathe.

He's ugly.

A freak.

And everyone else can have a grand time laughing about it.

Lawrence's blood boils and he picks the hand mirror up, bringing it slowly to his face.

_**Freak.**_

Sniper screams out his fear and frustration as he drops the mirror and punches it hard, cracking the glass and breaking off shards into his knuckles.

There's crimson and it hurts.

Proof that he's still alive.

_Why?_

Sniper hangs his head into his torn up hands and does something he hasn't done since he was four and fell over in the corn field, only to be yelled at by his father to grow up and be a man because the world doesn't care about your tears.

He cries.

It's not quiet either. Not after the first few moments of restraint. The Australian makes a strange keening noise, escalating into wails and sobs, blue orbs glassy and overflowing.

"I just want to stay hidden!"

No one hears him.

Nobody ever does.

And they never will.

Mission Complete.

* * *

><p>Wow, I have this ball of knots in my stomach. Sorry guys, for delaying the chapters you actually wanted but this pounced on me and wouldn't let go. I might write a follow up to this where someone comforts him. Vote yes if you want that in your reviews.<p>

Ciao!

Love Lily. X


	40. Chapter 40

**100 Missions.**

Yeah, Chaos got sad and begged me to make the whole comforting sequel chapter thing.

I couldn't resist her pretty puppy eyes.

Here it is.

* * *

><p>40th Objective: Understanding.<p>

Demoman feels that something is wrong.

He can't get the face Sniper made at his delivery out of his head. It was so…torn. Almost torn between anger and sadness.

But _why?_

It's just a statue. He's looking forward to the day he sees his figure standing proud and tall. And Soldier couldn't shut up about his.

Something's wrong.

Sniper isn't normally affected by anything.

It pools in his gut and Demoman gets up from his bomb-making work top (he can't concentrate) and walks out of the door towards Sniper's van.

He bumps into Spy on the way out.

"Sorry, lad."

"Demoman…where are you going?"

Tavish stares at Spy's face and sees unease and anxiety.

"You saw too, didn't ye?" he asks carefully.

The other nods, a blank expression stealing across his covered features.

"I observe everyone, you know zat."

Demoman smirks.

"I won't tell that you care if you don't."

Spy scoffs so casually, he wouldn't have guessed that the Frenchman is just as concerned for Sniper as he is.

It's the keening wail from Sniper's van that sends them both sprinting for the vehicle, alert senses tingling.

It's the sound of a heartbroken human.

The sound of a dying man.

Demoman gets there first, almost ripping the door off.

Except that it's locked.

Spy slips out a lock pick and scrambles for the lock as the Scotsman bangs on the door.

"Lad, what's going on in there?!"

Sniper just screams back.

**"GO AWAY!"**

It's raw and Demoman almost reels from the force of it.

He doesn't.

Sniper's not able to stand on his own right now because someone has to do it for him.

The lock clicks and Demoman tears the door open, hearing Sniper cry again. The spook follows silently behind him, their eyes adjusting to the darkness and at first, neither man sees where he is. Then they make out the cornered eyes of a wild animal and Spy speaks softly.

_"Lawrence…"_

The Australian shudders, misty orbs staring straight ahead as another low wail bursts from his lungs.

Demoman can see Spy's fear. The French native is actually scared for once because there is a man in front of him who has stopped being a man and he doesn't know what to do.

Tavish moves forward slowly, calmly, his heart dropping into his stomach at the glistening tears, the messed up hair that isn't under a hat. His glasses are hanging loosely from his face and Demoman gently pulls them away from his friend, putting them on the bed.

"Laddie, what's this?" he asks, beginning his task of trying to draw Sniper from his crazed shell where he can only pound the thick walls in the dark of his insanity.

Sniper doesn't move and the demolitions expert feels Spy crouch cautiously on his left side.

"Bushman, why are you hiding here?" he whispers smoothly and Lawrence jerks, his hands still clutching his cheeks.

"C'mon, what's wrong?" his drinking buddy pleads, holding out a hand and unfocused eyes flick towards the innocent looking statue lying on the floor.

Spy inches over and takes it back over to the pair. But he's done the wrong thing for Sniper finally reacts.

"GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!"

Sniper's suddenly kicking and losing his composure (as if he hadn't lost it already) and Tavish grabs his wrists as he lashes out at the startled Spy, terror in his expression.

"Stop it."

Sniper screeches and struggles and Spy's already pushing the statue away, smoky blue eyes huge with shock. The Demoman and sharpshooter struggle together for a moment, Sniper panting in delirium.

"STOP IT."

Demoman's harsh voice hits home at long last and the Australian slumps.

"I hate it. It looks like me and _I hate it._"

Tavish is still holding his wrists tightly and discovers sticky liquid dribbling down his hand. The smashed mirror gives it away as Spy turns on the small bedside light.

"Oh Lawrence, you're hurt," he can't help but gasp and Sniper tries to scowl.

"Shut up."

But with a tight, pale visage and puffy eyes, neither of them listen.

Spy reaches out kindly and Sniper can't hold back anymore.

"I'm wrong! I'm all wrong! I'm not an Australian!" he barks, trying to wrench his arms away and clubbing Demoman in the chest with his palms, hitting him again and again as he weeps. The Scotsman sits stoically above him with pursed lips as Sniper falls forward into his lap.

"Don't – Don't do this," he sobs bitterly. "Don't pity me like this! I was already born a mutant so stop…please."

Demoman cradles him and rocks slightly while Spy shushes him almost tenderly and Sniper buries his head.

They both understand now.

It's dawned upon them in a storm cloud.

Sniper doesn't like the way he looks. He's insecure.

They know insecurity – it is a loyal enemy.

Demoman isn't the only self-loathing person in the group anymore.

"I know how you feel, Down Under," Demoman mutters quietly and Spy joins in.

"Oui. It's okay," he murmurs, then pauses. **"We know."**

They know. They know!

Sniper cries and clings, letting them pat him, hug him and stroke his soft hair. Spy gently – ever so sweetly and Sniper can't help but wonder at him – tends to his hands. Eventually the three of them lean against the wall and his friends let him sleep in between them, his head on Spy's small shoulder.

He's exhausted.

His family rest their heads gently on his and wait for the sun in silence.

They'll tell no one.

But they don't need to.

The statue lies forgotten.

Mission Complete.

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><p>Two chapters in one day, you lucky lot. I REALLY need sleep now, so see you all!<p>

Love Lily. X


	41. Chapter 41

**100 Missions.**

Hi guys! Merry Christmas and this is your Christmas special, brought to you by moi! It's also a return of MY boys, for I have neglected them lately.

Have a great holiday everyone!

* * *

><p>41st Objective: Christmas.<p>

Everyone went home at Christmas.

Scout went home to his Ma and seven older brothers, Sniper travelled over to Wales to spend Christmas with his disapproving parents (they hadn't been getting on recently), resulting in plenty of awkward silences all round, Demoman celebrated with his blind mother and plenty of alcohol while Pyro and Engineer trotted straight to Engie's ranch to spend the season with Megan, Dusty's wife. Spy disappeared without a trace as usual and Heavy hurried to Russia with Medic and his wife, Gretel.

Soldier sat in his apartment by himself, wondering what to do for Christmas Eve. It was pretty dark and Soldier didn't feel in the Christmas mood right now.

Might as well go drown his sorrows in an all American bar.

Sighing with a half - smile, Lance pulled on his thick coat, lined with wool to trap body heat. He already missed his team mates and it had only been a few days since they'd parted ways for Christmas. He wished his parents were still around but old age had gracefully taken them away from him three years ago. They'd been together for everything – even death.

The cheery Christmas songs wafted towards him as he opened the door to the bar after a brisk walk through chilly snow. It was quiet – typical for Christmas Eve as everyone generally had homes and families to go to. There were the average old men and one or two hobos that had scraped enough money to treat themselves to a warm mulled wine for Christmas.

There was also a pretty woman - she looked to be in her late twenties – sitting on a bar stool, staring into her white wine.

Lance wasn't exactly shy around women, but he always seemed to drive them away somehow, no matter what he did. They always said how nice he was but it just wouldn't work and I'm sorry, hope you have a nice life.

Yeah. He'd had a nice life.

Just always something missing; that empty spot in the bed and that missing chair by the fireplace.

Lance dawdled by the door for a moment, torn between going to sit by himself and joining her at the bar. Finally, he decided to sit next to her, for she appeared to be in a mood and probably wouldn't want to talk to him.

Better that than him saying something stupid to make her run for the hills.

He shuffled over after taking off his coat and parked himself on a cracked leather stool. The bartender nodded at him. They knew each other pretty well by now.

"The usual beer?"

"Please." Soldier replied, his eyes wandering around the room once more, taking in the gaudy decorations and misplaced mistletoe.

The silence settled like the snow falling outside and Soldier felt comfortable. Not happy, but comfortable.

There wasn't anything wrong with that, right?

The woman sighed next to him and Lance glanced at her, unsure of what to do now. She clearly wasn't happy and the decent thing to do in this situation would be to cheer her up. But how do you cheer someone up when you're not feeling quite right yourself?

Well, he could always buy her some more alcohol.

"Could I get a white wine for this lady over here, please?"

The woman turned to him with surprise.

"Oh no, I couldn't, really, I couldn't - !"

Lance held up a beefy hand to stop her flustered ramble.

"It's fine, ma'am. I don't mind."

And he really didn't.

She wasn't bad to look at for a start. Her hair was dark and neat in a little bob and she'd made herself up pretty nicely too, with coral lipstick and a touch of mascara. Perhaps she'd been hoping for a good time tonight.

"Thank you, sir. That…that's the nicest thing someone has done for me all day."

Soldier nodded with a small smile.

"Think nothing of it; I'm just doing what any person should do. Say…what's a fine woman such as yourself doing here on your own anyway?" he couldn't help but ask and her face fell a little from its grateful look.

"Oh, you know, just waiting for a guy to show up. He should have been here three hours ago but that's fine. Must be caught up in the snow or something…"

She trailed off with an uncertain glance at the door and Lance felt sorry for her.

He knew what being stood up felt like.

"My name is Lance – since we're talking and all."

The female smiled demurely back and extended a slim hand, watching it be encased by his large one.

"I'm Molly."

Lance turned that simple little name over in his head and came to one conclusion.

"I like that…it's short and sweet."

Molly laughed as he went a little red.

"What, no "like you!" on the end?" she chuckled and Lance shrugged bashfully.

"I've never really been able to compliment women. I always feel silly doing it."

Molly grinned, the first proper smile he'd witnessed being shown his way for a long time.

"Good, because I'm not really very lovey dovey myself; I'd rather have a quiet evening in or go for a walk than be taken out to a fancy café."

Lance's heart stuttered as she tucked a stray curl behind her ear and in that moment, he decided he wanted to be the man she left this bar with. It would be a Christmas miracle for sure if it happened, but he wanted to try anyway, despite the obstacles and so far, he was apparently coping with the situation well.

"I…I like the sound of that. My old man always told me that the simple gestures say a lot more than a grand finale." He spoke again, feeling his tongue glue itself to the roof of his mouth and Molly's clear blue eyes crinkled.

"He sounds like an interesting fellow."

"Oh, he was. Taught me everything I know."

Molly gave him another pleasant surprise by not asking about the use of past tense when talking about his parents, like so many other women had done with shrill coos in the past. The conversation lasted for two whole hours, shocking both of them when the clock struck midnight.

"Oh gosh, look at the time! We've been here for longer than I realised!" Molly exclaimed and Soldier's stomach sank a little.

"Oh. I-I guess you'll be taking your leave now."

The statement took her aback and she put a hand to her ample breast as she shook her head, touching her holly brooch with reservation.

"Why? You're pretty interesting and I liked our talk. Do you…want me to go?"

Soldier realised what he sounded like and felt mortified. He couldn't screw this one up as well!

"NO! No, I…I really enjoyed tonight too."

The two stared at each other for a moment with flushed cheeks from the alcohol and Soldier took a brave step forward, clearing his throat gruffly.

"Would you…would you like to stay over at my apartment for the night? It doesn't feel right letting a lady walk home all by herself."

Nervously, he lowered his eyes to his rough hands and jumped a little when she took one.

"I'd love to, Lance. Thank you and Merry Christmas."

Lance helped her with her red winter coat and she pecked him on the cheek. Blushing and smiling goofily at the same time, Lance opened the door for her, gently grasped her hand and brought her home through the white winter.

Mission complete.

* * *

><p>Yes, Dustin does have a wife now and I'll write about their meeting some other time. I wanted Soldier (aka my Lance Corporal) to have a bit of love this Christmas and so he meets his future wife, Molly, for the first time.<p>

Hope you enjoyed it!

Love Lily. X


	42. Chapter 42

**100 Missions.**

Hi all! Clannad is the inspiration behind this chapter and if any of you have watched it, you will understand the references for this. It's a little melancholy but I hope you like it! For GLaDOS FeelsFest2013 on Tumblr.

* * *

><p>42nd Objective: Illusions.<p>

What is Death?

I've never known the word 'death'. It's not something that ever crossed my mind.

But this heavy, sinking feeling…is this death? Is death when you are no longer able to move or function properly and everything that makes you just…shuts down?

Because I think he's taught me my final lesson.

* * *

><p>The world ended.<p>

It ended a long time ago and there was only one lonely man.

The world ended and nothing was born and nothing died.

Before found me lying unused in a pile of dirt, he lived a solitary existence in this unmoving world. There was nothing to do except be alone with his own slow thoughts.

Then he discovered me.

I think his loneliness interested my previously inactive sensors.

A Heavy Weapons Robot would be a better companion than having no companion at all.

And so, I was awakened.

It took me a while to relearn basic walking. It was like I was born again in this world.

Did I want to be?

The small blue Doctor was very patient and when I finally reached his open arms, he pressed his pale face into my metal chest.

"Good work."

As he smiled, I realised that this warmth from him would be the only thing I sought after in this blank canvas. I didn't know how I knew about 'thinking' and 'warmth'. Maybe I had once existed in a different time, a different place…where laughter and movement dominated my every waking moment. Where it wasn't empty with golden grass and pale sand, endless blue skies and crusted over buildings that fell through lack of maintenance.

Would I find it again?

Could I bring him with me?

He collected scrap as he told me his name and spun stories about how this world had once danced by the sun, because he had the ability to make wonderful things out of junk, objects that would halt the monotony of surviving for a little while. I would only watch; as a robot, I couldn't do the same.

Because I possessed no 'heart' to wish them into reality.

* * *

><p>There were these special little lights.<p>

I was confused when I stood amongst them for the first time. They swirled upwards gently and played together, travelling to a new dimension altogether. They seemed to whisper longingly to me and I felt like I recognised them from somewhere where loud explosions and gun fire echoed – where fun laughed and dived recklessly into the fray. But I could never remember.

The Medic didn't understand why I stared at them for so long. He had grown used to their presence and only concentrated on finding junk or food.

He did have one theory.

"I zhink they are spirits. Spirits of the long forgotten dead that are leaving this world because there is nothing left," he explained with a sad smile that didn't reach his clear blue eyes. "I can only pray mein family is with them."

Our days were quiet and full of soft sounds and empty rooms with two chairs and a mattress. He ate little and worked hard to teach me how to find the right pieces of scrap metal to use in building. There was innocence about him that I couldn't quite grasp the meaning of. It, along with my brawn, appeared to guard him from the strange, waving shadows that lurked behind corners and under the ground.

I vowed to protect this fragile human.

I tried to build.

Tried to build another robot to fill up his desolation for him so he would laugh and sing.

"Of course, I forgot you would be bored as the only robot here." He said in his quiet voice and brushed my hand away to continue building for me.

Medic finished it and it worked…to a degree.

I jumped up and down in joy, making the ground quake beneath us and heard the sweet sound of Medic's weird whooping giggle.

The Scout robot danced and chirped.

But it didn't last.

The Scout robot held no caution and was fully arrogant up until his last moment.

The shadows grabbed him greedily and there was nothing we could do. I stood, hard as stone, unable to comfort properly and Medic sobbed under my sheltering arm, willing to take whatever he got in the late autumn sunset.

"I'm sorry, Herr Robot! Oh, I'm so sorry!"

Why did he apologise? Medic had nothing to be sorry for.

However, there was no more dancing.

* * *

><p>BLU Medic became very ill as the cold weather drew in. He had been fine the day before, just shivering at the sudden chill in the air.<p>

"So, winter does return to zhis destroyed world. How fitting." He muttered and I glanced at him, my optics unreadable as always.

The next day…he collapsed while hunting for scrap.

I didn't understand why he was so limp at first. When he came round in our house later, he moaned and whined about being oh so hot and my memory banks gave me the information I needed.

From then on, I cared for him.

I fed him as much as I could find, wishing he wasn't so unresponsive to my coaxing. His parched throat became grateful for the water it received and I watched over him impassively as he burned and lay in a melting coma, unable to see reality from his night terrors.

I came to the realisation that we couldn't stay here. Winter was coming fast and I felt the other, warmer world call us. He would die if I let him be silenced by snow.

"You want to go…to a new vorld?"

The lights that forever spiralled upwards lit his wan face as he whispered to me in a half lucid state.

"Vinter is coming…I will not be able to valk…if I stay."

I moved my arms around, struggling to tell him what I was planning.

"Zhis place…is warm?"

I nodded once.

"I…would like that." He murmured dreamily, turning his dark head to see the sky outside. More clouds were gathering every day.

We couldn't afford to wait.

"Let's-let's go…to zhe land that is full of love." He whispered after a while of thinking and without further ado, I helped him up and we left for good.

The building gave a groan and faded away as we walked slowly and didn't look back.

* * *

><p>"Are you cold at all?"<p>

The Medic held my metallic hand in one ungloved human one for support and I shook my head.

As a robot, I didn't feel temperature changes.

But I was sure his skin fluctuated between searing heat and freezing ice as flecks of snow drifted down around us, the dirt not yet covered. He looked so tired, so weak. It was all he could do to keep moving and his feet dragged, leaving a trail behind us and forcing us to be slow and disjointed.

"This world will be completely white soon…" Medic said faintly.

Eventually, his words came true.

By this point, Medic was barely conscious, constantly falling into the snow. I had to pick him back up, for he refused my advances to carry him.

In the end, our journey was all for naught.

Medic was too sick.

My joints seized up.

We lay in the snow together.

I pulled with no effort at his coat clad arm, trying to push him into getting up.

"Herr Robot…"

I stared at him as his eyes opened a bit, the fire that had resided in them for so long burnt down to its last embers.

It was all ridiculously unfair.

He'd tried so hard, working with the grief of losing his family on his shoulders and there were many nightmares, many sleepless nights.

I tried to encourage him.

"It looks like…I vill not get zhere," he murmured, his voice so faint in the blizzard that reached its peak and swelled around us. "You wanted me…to be happy, didn't you?"

**Yes.**

**Yes I did.**

"But…you were mein only friend," Medic continued, ignoring the storm that wanted to shatter and swallow us whole, icy orbs fluttering in the effort to stay awake. "And I am…finally happy."

I felt wonder as a real grin graced his face for the first time.

"I hear zhem. My family are calling me to…come home," he gasped out as he grew weaker. "Shall I go to zhem?"

**Go.**

**Meet your family because I don't want to see you sad anymore.**

"Danke, Herr Robot…for loving me."

His last breath fogged in the suddenly calm air.

"Auf wiedershen…"

And now here I lie with my systems shutting down next to my dead friend, the only one I've ever known and I swear I hear a violin in the frigid breeze.

_Come play._

Yes…there's definitely a violin.

His violin plays as I die.

Mission complete.

* * *

><p>GLaDOS is also known as October Revolution on here, so go check out her stories!<p>

GO!

I'll announce the winner of her FeelsFest in my next chapter, in case anyone's interested.

Love Lily. X


	43. Chapter 43

**100 Missions.**

To commemorate myself seeing the Rise of the Guardians ages ago (it was awesome – go see it somehow), I have taken the request of LexiLopezi, who asked for Sniper vs Bunnymund!

You can imagine my joy!

Who will triumph? The professional assassin from Adelaide or the six foot one Easter Bunny with nerves of steel and a Master of Tai Chi?

LET'S GET READY TO RUUUMMBBLLLEEE!

* * *

><p>43rd Objective: Sniper vs Easter Bunny.<p>

Sniper inhaled the humid morning air, letting the smell of yesterday's charred bonfire flood his sense of smell. It wouldn't be long before the sun fully rose and the Soldier leapt out of bed to wake everyone else with the deafening sound of his American voice and trumpet.

But Sniper would enjoy the peace until then.

The sun peeked over the horizon and waved the first sunbeams at him cheerfully. The wind rustled through his hair and an unidentifiable bird trilled its morning song and a six foot rabbit popped out of his hole to sniff the air –

Wait…what?

Sniper grabbed his rifle and brought up the scope to spy upon the almost anthropomorphic rabbit that grumbled to itself as it sat on a rock to begin buffing a boomerang.

It was a hint of the eccentricities of Sniper's job that he wasn't more surprised. After all, if he could become used to a giant eyeball and a ghostly wizard, then the Easter Bunny should be a walk in the park.

Oh yes, Sniper knew who he was gazing at. Children all over Australia were taught the story of the warrior – like Easter Bunny and Mundy had sat on his mother's lap many times as a boy in awe to hear the tales of the fights between Easter Bunny and the Australian version of jolly Santa Claus.

If Old Nick was a threat to children, then the Guardian of Hope was their protector.

"Crikey, ain't you a beaut?" Lawrence muttered to nobody in particular, taking in all the details of his childhood idol – the grey fur that turned blue sometimes in the ripples of the breeze, the belt that contained egg bombs and the arm guards that were carved with intricate patterns, probably his own handiwork.

Sniper let a smile grace his face.

It was nice to see the figure of your childhood once more.

…Either that or his brain was sun baked.

Mundy peered through the scope again and found piercing green eyes staring straight back.

Neither of them moved for a long time.

If it was one thing they shared already, it was patience.

Finally, Sniper twitched his hand upwards to his hat and touched the rim with a smirk, nodding his greeting. The rabbit blinked and disappeared down a hole. Sniper wondered at the sight for a moment before sensing a presence behind him.

"Bloody Spois!" he cursed and twirled round with his bushwacka, only to have it met by a polished wooden boomerang.

"'Ello mate."

The pair froze again, the Sniper clearly taken by surprise.

"Didn't think Oi was worth the trouble."

"S'not every day an adult can see me, mate. Thought I'd mosey on down for a look." Easter Bunny replied casually, his ears flickering at every noise.

The child inside Lawrence squealed.

The professional kept a poker face.

"That right? And here was me thinking I could catch my biggest game yet." Sniper retorted quietly and the Bunny chuckled.

"Never try to catch me…never works out well."

Something flickered inside Mundy's heart.

"Was that a challenge?"

Something sparked in grass green eyes.

"It might be. Easter's been and gone and although my work is never done, I've been a bit bored."

Sniper backed away, sliding his knife out from under wood.

"Oi'm a professional and a professional never backs down from a challenge."

The two Australians grinned at each other mockingly.

"Always fancied a bit of rabbit stew,"

A fanged smile.

"Oi'm bettin' you've never met a rabbit like me,"

A flick of the left ear.

"Six foot one,"

They started circling.

"Nerves of steel, master of Tai Chi and the ancient art of Aboriginal warfare."

The floorboards creaked ever so slightly.

"Sounds interesting…but I'm a dead shot."

The knife glinted as it flew towards the rabbit's throat.

Bunny back flipped neatly, ducking out of the way at the last second and kicking Sniper's legs out from under him. Sniper landed roughly on his back and rolled out of the way of a boomerang throw.

"Not bad," The Easter Bunny complimented and Sniper widened his blue eyes under the aviators.

"Seems like you're a professional too."

"Should bloody well hope so."

The rabbit feinted aggressively and Sniper stepped backwards so that the large mammal fell forward, overbalanced by the powerful thrust of his own back legs. The knife nicked his shoulder a second later, taking off a bit of the beautiful fur and drawing some blood. The Easter Bunny didn't react to this at all and propelled himself over the Sniper's head.

"Like your hat,"

"Thanks, I like your boomerangs."

There was no bad blood between these two Aussies, just mischief and the thrill of the chase. Lawrence looked up just in time to see a boomerang smack him squarely in the jaw and he rubbed at the red area. Hardened clear blue and jade eyes met once more and Sniper reached blindly for a jar behind him.

Bunnymund was too quick for him and the Jarate sailed uselessly out of the window.

"Oh no, don't think I didn't know about that!" the rabbit chided and Mundy felt like a naughty schoolboy again.

However, he took advantage of the distraction to lash out and strike the Easter Bunny's chest with his foot, causing him to stagger backwards. Seconds later, the rabbit leapt out of the window and on to the roof of Sniper's nest in one fluid motion, uneasy at fighting in such a cramped space. Mundy followed, unwilling to let his quarry escape. He grabbed his Huntsman on the way out.

The giant rabbit appeared more relaxed now that he was out in the open and Sniper loaded an arrow, firing and just grazing his opponent's ear. This time, there was a faint hiss of discomfort. Two more boomerangs retaliated and Sniper and managed to catch one.

"Unexpected." E. Aster Bunnymund commented after a pause.

"That's me all over."

Aster laughed, catching Sniper off guard.

"I like that!"

Sniper whipped an arrow on to his bow and fired in rapid succession, forcing Bunnymund to skitter away towards the edge of the roof. Lawrence took this as a golden opportunity and ran at him, knife at the ready.

Suddenly, he tripped.

Tripped over a jutting out piece of corrugated iron and fell headfirst into the rabbit he was trying to beat.

Neither one had time to adjust themselves before they sailed off the roof and down towards the ground.

"CRIKEY, WE'RE GONNA DIE!" Sniper yelled out, strangely at ease with this predicament.

The Easter Bunny smirked.

"I think you forgot who Oi am, ya cobber!"

And they tumbled down the rabbit hole to Wonderland.

Missions Complete.

* * *

><p>I've decided to make this request into two parts, if that's alright with Lexi. The second part will be up soon. I did enjoy making this!<p>

Love Lily. X


	44. Chapter 44

**100 Missions.**

This is something rather…odd. It spawned from Steam Chat with dear friends, so back away and shake your head in horror and wonder as the plot unfolds.

* * *

><p>44th Objective: Ascending.<p>

It is morning in Dustbowl and the sun rises with the grace of a flower opening its petals.

I look up with a wondrous gaze as the robots appear over the horizon, threatening the very existence of canpakes and humans alike. They stand with gleaming bodies, filled with waffles stuck to them and I am shocked by their betrayal.

"CANPAKES!" I cry to Engineer, who gives a single nod.

"Son, they're gonna regret the day they were made."

I am pleased by this and turn back to watch the canpakes line up, full to the brim with sugared anger. Anger that the waffles can so easily gain followers, while they have to scrape back to the surface of the Earth they now stand on. But they are strong and I give them credit for that, pulling out my baseball bat as I jog to the front lines.

I see the Sniper, trotting into view with an owl on his shoulder and his bow and arrow taut and ready, all while riding a beautiful unicorn. It is pink with wide green eyes and it paws at the ground in great stress. The robot/waffle/canpake/man war has made it nervous, unused to such an environment. Only the Sniper, the wild man that knows all, has been able to tame it so far and I find myself feeling jealous, wishing I could ride a unicorn before remembering that I run faster than a speeding turkey and I grin wickedly, knowing that those waffles are doomed.

The Announcer's voice rings out loudly and full of cold wishes for our victory. We as mercenaries know full well that she will dock our payment of money and tea bags if we don't so as she commands, so we all brace ourselves for the clash of a lifetime.

The war to end all wars.

The Canpake/Waffle War with a siding of Robots and Man.

It is here.

Heavy makes the ground quake as he strides into view and I nearly faint away at the sight of his pretty fairy costume.

"The Princess has returned!" I yell and he graces me with a regal grin.

"Da, it is time to be killing robots!" he yells back and Medic runs between us, healing all team members with nothing but kindness and a single Medigun strapped to his back.

His coat flaps like the wings of his many precious doves; he is graceful and gorgeous and we all bow low before him, for if Heavy is the Princess today, then Medic is the Queen and he ducks his head, unused to such gentlemanly attention.

"Nein, eat your greens, dummkopfs." He mutters and I file that piece of wisdom in my head to use for the rest of my life.

For what is life without listening to the Medic?

The Demoman stands in front of us all with his Eyelander held aloft and he shouts at the opposition bravely.

"THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!"

The canpakes canpake in response, their eagerness for battle outstripping the waffles and their taunting. I shift aggressively and spy Wheatley flying across the heavens.

"I would cry with pride, but alas, I cannot, for I am a core." He whispers and I stare him straight in the face.

"You can…inside."

The revelation is too much and he flies away, blinded by the sun. I look into the sun and squint into the face of Chaos and grin.

"Today is a good day." Soldier grunts from behind me and I throw my ball into the air.

"Bonk!" I reply with great intelligence and he is taken aback by my wisdom.

"I knew you would be a great warrior, son. I have taught you well!" he crows and claps my back.

I learnt many ways of the warrior from this man of all men. I can only hope it will serve me well now.

Pyro leans threateningly towards the waffles and their carriers and they shrink, wary of the fire that can turn them into toast.

"Mmph!"

His words terrify them, as they come from the depths of Hell itself.

It is a fate worse than death to them.

Spy appears from nowhere, like always, tap dancing towards us and being very serious about it all. I catch Miss Pauling gazing in admiration at his ass, tapping her pen against her lip thoughtfully.

But then again, we all want an ass like Spy.

Spy turns to me, his legs still flying around manically like Michael Flatley has come back from the dead and possessed them quite willingly. The expression on his face is so serious; I can't help but think that whatever he says next will possibly change my life forever.

"Your mother. Ohonhon."

It brings a whole new meaning to my life and I know he will be looking out for me throughout this battle. I feel gratitude beyond all I've felt prior to this day.

"Thanks, man. You're alright."

He dips his head graciously and Russian dances away, serene in what might be possibly his last day of life.

"Godspeed." I murmur.

Abruptly, a gong bellows out and this is it.

There is no going back.

There is no fleeing.

The waffles are here.

The canpakes stand in their way.

We change our fate.

I leap upon my donkey and charge like I was born to do, my bat held higher than the stars.

Mission Complete.

* * *

><p>…<p>

Take it.

Take all I have.

I know not what I do.

Love Lily. X


	45. Chapter 45

**100 Missions.**

Okay guys, people who follow Chaos will know she has a new ask blog for Lawrence and Philippe. I participated like everyone else and one of the answers she gave as Philippe really interested me and turned on a light bulb in my head.

Yes this is sad, but I promise that her request chapter will be a comedy, so you can all have your laughs again.

And by the way, thanks for the reactions to the last chapter. Even I don't know what the hell I wrote, so I'm glad it was well received.

Enjoy Chaos. Muahahahahahaa….

* * *

><p>45th Objective: Claustrophobia.<p>

A nice meal out as a team.

That's all Philippe asked for from his team mates.

But, as usual, they couldn't quite deliver.

Demoman and Soldier were arguing quite loudly, the empty wine bottles scattered around their plates an indicator of why they were arguing in the first place. Pyro arranged its food into a smiley face and was dancing the bread rolls up and down with the knife and fork, much to the disgust of a passing waiter and Scout happily stuffed his face, looking for the entire world like a hamster cross bred with a cement mixer.

Medic scowled at his team every once in a while, ignoring Scout's garbled speeches. The good doctor ate primly, cutting up his steak and salad into neat pieces before calmly chewing away. Heavy sat next to him faithfully, reading a book over his empty plate, oblivious to his fancy surroundings. Engineer and Sniper sat together, deep in quiet discussion.

Spy couldn't help but sigh again.

People were staring and glaring and he felt totally embarrassed, his own food untouched in front of him. Philippe didn't actually know why he was still sitting there in the first place. He could have easily snuck away ages ago.

Finally, after Sniper got roped into the argument as well and the Engineer received an accidental punch to the face, Spy stood up and crept off to the toilets. He had to answer the call of nature anyway and he certainly wasn't sticking around to be associated with his troublesome colleagues. He rubbed his gloved hands over his face once he'd entered and awkwardly nodded to the man by a latrine.

Sitting on the lid of the toilet, Spy cringed at the thought of going back out there. Yes, he knew that he could rely on them in battle and they would definitely have his back in tight situations, but he couldn't trust them to behave in public whatsoever. The French native decided to hide out back for a while. Hopefully, the whole matter would be blown over at some point this evening. He was just about to walk out when he realised one of his gloves was missing. Damn, he must have dropped it somewhere. He didn't want one of his expensive gloves lying around on some dirty toilet floor. Sighing again, he searched around for a while until he found it lying by the toilet under his feet. Philippe turned round to open the door.

It wouldn't budge.

With furrowed eyebrows, the RED Spy tried to push against it again.

Nothing. It was completely stuck.

His chest tightened a little and Spy looked up at the ceiling in exasperation.

Could this night REALLY get any worse?

Apparently, it could, for just as he was about to politely call the other man for help, the guy left the room.

And switched off all the lights.

For a second, Philippe stood frozen in his place, unable to remember how to breathe. It…it was just like he was back there. Their cold voices overwhelmed his mind and he was afraid.

No, he wasn't in that place so he must stop being stupid - !

He was, wasn't he?

He was back in Hell. The Hell that man had created with fire and his own bare, blood-stained hands.

Slowly, ever so slowly, he slid down the wall of the cubicle, shaking like a leaf. This cubicle was too small, so small and he couldn't breathe, oh god, he couldn't breathe! They'd put him in the showers, hadn't they? He was going to be gassed to death, just like his poor, beloved little brothers and perhaps that was a good thing because he hadn't protected them like he should have. Oh Lord, his mother was right.

Her screams of fury echoed and he flinched, scrambling backwards.

Moving like he was underwater, he placed his hands over his head, drawing himself into a defensive, tight ball. His lungs couldn't get air into them and Philippe felt like he was drowning in the thick blackness. He couldn't breathe. His lungs were constricting and the walls of the cubicle were pushing in on him. He was going to be crushed to death and nobody would know or care. Philippe was alone and abandoned, just like always. He struggled for air and whimpered, his eyes huge and dilated.

Where was Lawrence?

Lawrence had been there before…when Scout the small toddler died in his arms. He'd smiled and gathered up his broken pieces and promised to put them together again, like Humpty Dumpty.

A cracked giggle escaped his lips and Spy pressed his hands over his tear filled eyes because Henri adored Humpty Dumpty and he couldn't read that story to him anymore when he reflected the very character that couldn't be put together again.

Lawrence was a liar. An evil grin behind a kind face.

A liar like all the other human beings in this world. Nobody wanted him, a filthy Jew.

That little boy, Lorraine's brother. He'd yelled that at him with hate and anger.

She'd died because of him too, hadn't she?

A filthy Jew.

A worthless man.

A tired, lonely little boy.

They were all liars.

Liars.

LIARS!

Spy huddled in the dark and sobbed.

* * *

><p>Soldier sighed as he tromped back into the restaurant. Somehow, they hadn't been kicked out, but Spy was still missing and everyone assumed he was either out back smoking or in the restroom. Stupid pansy. They had to be up bright and early tomorrow to move to another map and the crouton decided to play hide and seek! Soldier didn't have time for this!<p>

He weaved his way to the men's restroom, ignoring the scathing look from one of the waitresses. He didn't have time to listen to the snobs talk.

"Hey, Frenchie, you in here?" Soldier called in a low voice, peering around the room.

Yes, he was loud most of the time, but even he knew how to use an inside voice!

…Now and again.

He paused for a second and heard something unusual.

It sounded like someone was crying, but that couldn't be right! This was the men's toilets, not the women's! Unless a child got lost somehow?

"Uh…hello? Little kid, you alright?" Soldier said awkwardly, going into the somewhat old and run down room.

He listened at each cubicle until he found the right one.

"Frenchie…is that you?" he wondered out loud and he heard gasping, like the person was hyperventilating and couldn't stop.

Feeling concerned, he stooped down and peaked under the gap between the door and the floor. It was dark in the room but he understood who it was in an instant. And he didn't like what he saw.

"Spy?"

The thin man was slumped in a corner, shivering in a terrified ball with tears streaming down his masked face. His eyes were wide and staring, so unlike his normal cool and calm gaze. French prayers poured from his mouth and Soldier breathed out between his teeth, having seen shell shocked people like this in the murky past.

Back when he liberated the camps with his pack brothers. Auschwitz had been the worst.

"Spy?" he asked again, this time gently and calmly. "It's alright, maggot, it's me. Big, bad old Soldier, remember? The guy that makes you run around and gets your suit all dirty?"

Spy didn't react in the slightest, except for a twitch.

Soldier tried once more, rattling the door by mistake this time as he shifted a bit on the floor.

"Spy? Hey -,"

Spy jumped and pressed back against the wall in utter terror. His cries escalated moments later and Soldier hushed him without success, all the while trying to open the door.

"You're locked in, aren't you?" he cried and Spy made a strangled noise, gibbering away in rapid French. "It's alright, it's alright! I'm not going to hurt you, maggot!"

Philippe only heard German curses, angry voices and screams as the door wobbled in protest against the Nazi trying to break it down. He was too weak to fight back, too tired and alone.

Philippe Vidal would be no more and there was nothing he could do to prevent that.

Soldier tried to think over the scared sobs of the man lying on the other side. He concluded that breaking the door down would only add to his hysterics and decided that Engineer was the best way forward. He really wanted to avoid making a scene for Spy's sake, but he had no choice now.

"I WILL be back, private, I promise you that right now as a true American!" he ground out, clenching his fist and getting off the dusty floor. "Just hold on, okay?"

Spy listened to the footsteps receding and knew they would be back. He shuddered and gasped out, desperate for much needed oxygen. He wanted to get out.

HE NEEDED TO GET OUT.

He was trapped and isolated and he was going to die and hope lay wasted on the churned up mud of this very camp! The blood of his beloved little brothers lay on his hands and he rubbed at them in despair.

"Please…! Please, God, please!" he whispered out and heard a door slam somewhere, like a gunshot.

Philippe screamed.

* * *

><p>Scout and Pyro kept the prying eyes away from the door, along with a willing young waiter. Spy hadn't stopped screaming and hyperventilating for several minutes and Sniper paced, looking like he was going to lose it any second now. Medic and Soldier were trying to make peace with the petrified French man, both of them on their knees by the cubicle. However, it seemed that poor, well-intentioned Medic was making things worse.<p>

"Doc, you might wanna…back off a bit," Soldier suggested tiredly. "Just be ready for when he gets out."

Medic nodded stiffly and moved away to Heavy, who immediately comforted him a little.

Engineer fiddled with the lock, his trusty toolbox by his side.

"Yer gonna be alright, Spah, I'm coming." He muttered quietly to the voice that had broken down into tears again under the hoarse screaming.

The manager shuffled nervously, unused to this situation.

"C-Could you maybe tell him to keep it down?"

The murderous looks of Demoman and Lawrence held his tongue.

"Your bloody customers will be FINE." Demoman hissed.

The tension crackled palpably in the air and Lawrence knew that someone would break it at some point. It would most likely be him punching the pathetic manager in the face.

Oh god, Phil was having a fit in that tiny box and he couldn't be in there with him! Why was he so frightened? What happened to him?

Soldier crouched and reached under with a hand, feeling round until he finally located Philippe's hand.

"Hold my hand, soldier. I'm not letting you go nuts, you hear me?"

Somehow, through his hallucinations and suffocation, Philippe faintly understood that the hand holding his was strong and kind and clung to it like a lifeline.

He'd trusted Lawrence! He'd started to trust the man with everything his worn heart had been able to spare and of course, the other crushed what little was left.

He wanted his long estranged mother. He wanted her to cuddle him.

"Mama…!"

The word was cracked and full of a sadness only contained in a truly broken child.

It shattered Lawrence's heart and made Medic flinch.

Soldier sniffed and held on tightly as Spy struggled against it.

There was nothing left.

Philippe wanted to die now, for France had fallen and he along with it, sinking under his oppressors.

The door finally opened and light shone in his face.

"It's alright, boy, we got you now." Engineer sat back in relief.

Spy opened his eyes and took one look at his team mates before shocking them all.

He burst into fresh tears.

* * *

><p>The kind waitress handed over a cup of tea and Medic received it gratefully from Sniper's van.<p>

"Danke, he vill appreciate it."

She nodded and left without another word. Medic glanced sadly over his shoulder at the man still shivering under Sniper's protective arm.

"He is in shock."

Lawrence nodded, glaring at the wall.

"Can't believe we left 'im in there."

Medic rolled his eyes.

"Ve didn't KNOW he was there, until Soldier found him. Stop beating yourself up, Herr Sniper."

Philippe cringed away, his blue eyes glassy and round and Medic stepped away.

"I zhink I should leave." He said emotionlessly and exited quickly without another backward look.

Very gently, Sniper held the tea out to Spy.

"Look. It's tea. You like tea, right?"

Philippe turned away, burrowing into his side. Sniper put the tea down and sighed, cautiously wrapping him up in a hug.

"Please…I cannot face them. Do not tell what has transpired 'ere in the van."

Big pleading orbs greeted his gaze and Lawrence knew he could never win against plaintive looks like that.

"I ain't telling a soul."

"..Merci." Philippe rasped and cuddled into his chest, feeling his friend stroke his head.

Lawrence realised that they were going to be talking for a long time with Philippe being out of character for a while longer. And he was okay with that, strangely enough.

For now, he held a crushed little boy and let him know that he wasn't alone.

Mission Complete.

* * *

><p>Well, feel free to review that.<p>

Hopefully, Chaos will love it. I dunno.

Love Lily. X


	46. Chapter 46

**100 Missions.**

Hello jellybeans and crackertots, I've been feeling a little unwell recently, which is why I've been quite quiet. But, I am on the mend now, so here, have a story that's late for GLaDOS' Fluff Fest for Valentine's Day (I am sorry, October).

It's a little head canon I have so enjoy!

* * *

><p>46th Objective: Love<p>

Skimming through the newspaper was something one did to try and fend off mind numbing boredom. It was something BLU Spy did to have something to do while he waited for the day to begin. The one little advert that caught his eye would lead him to the woman that would steal his heart.

It seemed like a convenient advert. A woman who wanted a man to respect her choice of work that meant she would be away a lot and didn't sound like she stood for any messing.

He liked that.

So, he called her.

* * *

><p>BLU Spy was suddenly struck by the fact that Miss Pauling was sitting across from him in the booth at a restaurant, quietly scanning through the menu. He'd been surprised when he found out it was her, but it didn't sink in until now.<p>

The smaller woman looked up at him from behind her rimmed glasses, smiling coyly.

"Am I really that pretty, BLU?"

The Spy quickly recovered himself from staring and reached for his own menu smoothly.

"You are indeed attractive. Otherwise I would not still be sitting 'ere."

Miss Pauling chuckled lightly, something which tugged at Spy's interest, and pointed to the soup of the day.

"Lentil and bacon sounds nice to start out with." She mused and Spy placed one hand on his chin.

This night was going to go well in his opinion.

The woman laughed gracefully at a remark from him and the opinion became a certainty.

* * *

><p>"Spy?"<p>

The Frenchman gazed down at her as he helped her out of the car.

"Oui?"

Miss Pauling waited until he'd paid the fare and the driver had pulled away before leaning in, the navy dress hugging her hips and planting a peck on his cheek.

"I had a lovely night tonight. Quiet but pleasant. I like evenings like that."

She scurried off up the dusty road in her sensible heels and Spy put a hand to his face, staring almost wistfully after her.

"I 'ad fun too…"

They appeared to grow closer after that one peaceful first date.

A small smile at each other over briefings, a chaste kiss on the lips in her office and her bringing coffee to him sometimes was their routine. A comfortable, safe routine.

But was it enough?

Was it time for Spy to take it to the next level and proclaim his love to her? Would she handle his strong affections well or was stability all she wanted? Did he even have the courage to tell her how he felt in the first place? He, the handsome rogue of a BLU, who had charmed many women from all over the globe, was pacing his room with sweaty palms and a churning mind, unable to decide on what he should do. She was patient and kind, charming, yet able to hold her own in the…relationship?

Was that what it was right now?

No.

It was a tightrope.

He was treading the thin line between the safety net and the trapeze that would lead to a possible majestic flight and if he wanted her love in return, he would have to make that leap of faith.

Resolved, he placed a cigarette in his mouth and stood up straight from his previous worried slump.

He would do this.

Miss Pauling would be his.

The knock on her door that night drew her away from her world of J.R Tolkien and sighing, Miss Pauling bookmarked her page before standing and stretching slowly. Knowing her luck, it would be Helen with another messenger again.

"Coming, coming." She grumbled out, pulling open the door to a shuffling BLU Spy and a bouquet of forget me nots. "Spy? Wow, are these for me?"

The man nodded, holding them out almost shyly. Miss Pauling accepted graciously, inviting him inside while she found a vase of water to put them in. He didn't sit down however, hovering behind her with an air of uncertainty.

"Madame Pauling…I…"

She waited while he tried to find the right words.

"I am 'appy to 'ave met you. You are very kind and beautiful and I wish…I want us to be able to move to ze next level."

Her head tilted to the side as she gazed into his soft, almost baby blue eyes. They were full of something she had never seen in a man before, which the secretary to the feared Administrator couldn't place at this point.

"I…want you to be my girlfriend, as zey say 'ere in the States."

She was at a loss for words.

"You…really want me?" she asked in a nearly breathless tone, reliving the words in her head to try and make sense of them.

Another look into his bottomless eyes revealed what she had been missing.

Longing and loneliness.

What could a Spy who had everything in terms of reputation and material possessions ever truly desire? Give him a companion and he would be happy for the rest of his days. BLU Spy held her stare, heart hammering under his immaculate suit.

"I understand if…"

"Amanda."

He hushed at the interruption.

"My name is Amanda. You'll need that if we're officially a couple, right?" Amanda Pauling asked cheekily and turned away to make them both a cup of tea.

His arms wrapped tightly around her waist and he lifted the petite lady into the air, a huge smile of joy on his face.

"You 'ave no idea how happy you 'ave made me!" he purred in her ear and Amanda pulled him in closer to her with his tie.

"I think I can make you happier still." She growled naughtily right back and the rest of the night was a blur of stairs, clothes flying on to the floor and pure bliss.

A feeling that would be repeated nearly every night for two years as time passed them cheerfully, full of laughter, exciting events and arguments. They went out often together, holding hands, riding fairground rides, gentle walks on the sandy beaches and cool green forests. She made him dinner when they got home from work and they read in peace by the fire, gently placing their hands over one another. They yelled at each other and made up in showered kisses and scattered tears.

Always together.

He spoilt her, something she wasn't used to, as so many men had become bored within the first two months. BLU was forever willing to pander to her whims, buying her books, jewellery and even new stationary at one time.

Oh, how she'd laughed at his eager expression as he held up a pink pencil case to her on their porch.

Their porch.

What a great possession.

For the most part, the Administrator didn't give two hoots about Amanda's love life. She'd made herself clear at the beginning what the consequences would be if Miss Pauling let it affect her work. In fact, she gave her a raise (which NEVER happened again in the duration of her working years with Helen) for the sudden rise in efficient paperwork and clean offices. Clearly, this relationship was good for her work ethic and Helen never mentioned BLU Spy once in a negative sentence.

Code for "I like him."

Miss Pauling just smiled and continued to scribble at the Announcer's neutral expression.

Yes, it was two lovely years later and their anniversary was on its way. By now, she understood all of Spy's faces, his body language and odd little quirks.

That meant Amanda picked up on his barely exposed turn in behaviour quite quickly.

He kept going out a lot in the evenings, looking preoccupied and slightly nervous. On Wednesday night, he came home to a cold chicken dinner, dimmed lights and her upset face.

It was the day of their anniversary and he made no comment of it.

To say Amanda Pauling was unhappy would be an understatement.

"Who is she?"

He froze in the doorway, expression suddenly bewildered and one gloved hand still on the polished handle.

"Quoi?"

"You're bored of being domestic now, aren't you?" A harsh laugh escaped her as the woman in the purple work suit turned away to the window and the storm going on outside, a reflection of her own inner turmoil. "I'm surprised…you've lasted longer than any of the other men. Congratulations."

Shivering, trying to keep herself composed, Miss Pauling moved away, rubbing at her arms with a deep breath.

"No, don't start making excuses. It's fine. I understand how unsatisfying I can be. I mean, I'm pretty much married to my work and you are used to wooing women around the world. You haven't travelled in a long time."

Hot tears welled up and she willed them back down. She refused to show him weakness now. That would come later, after he'd run like the cowards all men were in the end.

"It's just…I actually thought I had something this time, you know?" she choked out, feeling him move closer to her, his socks padding on the wood. "And I really love you this time around. You've done more in these two years than most men did in my life."

His hand hesitantly touched her shoulder at last and he pulled her round to face him. Wide orbs burned into her own, full of shock and sorrow.

"You…really think I want to leave you? You think I 'ave been unfaithful?"

Her gaze drilled into the creaking wood.

"Why not? They all were."

His face became hooded as he took her chin in his hand and whispered roughly;

"I am not zem."

He brushed his lips against hers, trying to put all the tenderness and love from his heart into the kiss. She instantly crushed her mouth into his, being stronger with him than he was normally in the heat of the moment. All of her pent up anger and relief poured into him and he jerked momentarily, startled by her passion. Then Spy remembered what he was supposed to be doing and he reached inside his coat pocket.

"Shut your eyes, mon petit…" he said huskily and she obeyed trustingly.

The BLU then made the biggest move in the relationship so far.

He got down on one knee.

"Open your eyes."

She did and her hands came up to cover her mouth.

"What are you - ?!"

"Amanda Pauling…I met you two years ago and I never imagined how much I would grow to adore you. I live in your words every day and wish to forever remain lost in your eyes and intertwined with your very soul."

The little velvet box opened and a simple gold ring with two tiny sapphires sparkling away revealed itself to the overwhelmed Amanda.

"Will you marry me?"

"Yes!"

There was no hesitation from her and his heart soared out of his body altogether.

"Oh…" he gasped as she slipped the engagement ring on her finger with his help. "You are my fiancée now. I FEEL TRES BON!" he shouted to the skies at the end and she burst out laughing at his proclamation, squealing in delight as he spun her round, fit to explode from happiness.

They celebrated their anniversary amongst the stars in the heavens and his true name was sung from her lips for the very first time.

They were married in a small ceremony in a small church, decorated with forget me nots and lilies. Parents and relatives as well as work colleagues showed up and Amanda wore a plain dress with a pearl studded veil.

It suited her perfectly in his eyes.

Scout tried to pretend he wasn't blubbering while Demoman snuck alcohol into the punch and Soldier regaled Amanda's father with tales of Sun Tzu (the man actually seemed to be interested). Helen regarded Amanda with stern eyes before giving a very small smile and saying under her breath;

"You look good."

That meant a lot to her, as did the agreement for her to leave on the long-awaited honeymoon with her new husband, who became more than excited to show her the sights of Paris.

The lights and sounds were brilliant, but the hotel bedroom was even better.

* * *

><p>"Noel?"<p>

The French man looked up from his notes at their kitchen table.

"Oui, Amanda? What is it?"

She fidgeted and wordlessly held up a pregnancy test.

Silence reigned over the kitchen for a while and then Noel managed to choke out the question.

"Are you…?"

Amanda nodded and Noel stood up with wobbly legs.

"I am 'appy. I really am." He whispered, face still shell shocked and Amanda let out a whoosh of air she didn't realise she'd been holding. "But…can I do zis?"

Could a killer like him raise a child?

His wife crossed the light and spacious kitchen, firmly cupping his cheeks in her small hands.

"You have been a wonderful husband. And now you will be a magnificent father. Got it?"

Noel snickered against her and bent down to touch her made up lips with his own slightly chapped ones, trusting her instincts without doubt.

"Oui, boss. I understand."

She rolled her eyes as she snuggled into his chest, feeling complete.

Mrs Reynard became bigger as the months counted down to the birth and simple tasks like bending down became more strenuous. Helen had no choice but to allow her maternity leave and Amanda terrified Noel with her violent mood swings (for a little woman, she sure could throw knives). She also had a strange craving for ice cream and mustard.

The baby scans left them both feeling awed each time and BLU Spy wasted no time showing off the scans to his teammates, causing much amusement amongst those already experienced in parenthood (i.e. Medic, Engineer and surprisingly Heavy).

On October 5th, 1979, Amanda went into labour.

Noel almost destroyed the waiting room chairs when told he couldn't be with her and the doctors quickly took back their decision at his anger and the insistence of the bossy yet motherly midwife. His hand was crushed in the process of staying firmly by her side but in the end, the pain was nothing compared to the sheer love and wonder he felt when he held their twin babies, Alexia and Castiel, for the very first time.

Amanda bent her head over Castiel, feeling the soft baby hair tickling her lips as she smiled tiredly down at the wide blue eyes he inherited from his father.

"Welcome to the world, Castiel."

Noel repeated the action for Alexia, who stared reproachfully with deep brown orbs the colour of her mother's.

The twins were born on October 6th, 1979.

And as Amanda guessed, Noel took to fatherhood smoothly like a boat took to water. He helped her with changing them, feeding them and took turns settling their cries in the night. Best of all, he waved around their baby pictures with pride at work, telling anyone who would listen about their first steps, their first words.

Amanda herself gave Helen a single baby picture of the twins and even though her boss had said nothing in return, the picture stood on a corner of her desk in a wooden frame.

And now the former Miss Pauling was feeling the verdant grass tickle her toes as her adored children played in the sun with her laughing husband and she knew that life was good.

Because there were many more years of wildflowers, blues skies, childish smiles and Noel to come.

* * *

><p>I really hope it was alright for you guys. Happy Belated Valentine's Day!<p>

Love Lily. X


	47. Chapter 47

**100 Missions.**

Good day, squirrel muffins and popcorn bombs. Here is Chao's request.

How will Sniper cope without his aviators?

(…He doesn't.)

Hope you like it!

* * *

><p>47th Objective: Aviators<p>

"OI CAN'T SEE!"

Joey's shriek resounded around the battlefield and mercenaries stopped momentarily, disturbed by the girlish shriek that shouldn't be coming from a man.

Then they all shrugged and carried on merrily shooting the crap out of each other, the douchebags.

Joey swore he'd put his aviators down for a second to rub dust out of his eye. And now he was missing a pair and practically blind as an overgrown Australian bat. He poked his head out of the window for a moment and narrowly avoided a snipe by Bryn as he pulled his head back in (not that he noticed, being nearly blind and all).

You see, Joey the BLU Sniper had a deep dark secret that he'd carried with a heavy heart but brave countenance when he joined the team. It had caused him sleepless nights, visits to the doctor, visits to the psychologist and visits to the vet, but no cure had been found yet. It scarred him and left him a sad man inside his heart.

Those aviators, he needed them because…

HE WAS SHORT SIGHTED.

DUN DUN DUUUUUN.

Glaring at the author, Joey pulled out his SMG and tried to shoot her so he could carry on with the story. But because his sight was severely impaired, he missed completely and sent her into even more mocking hysterics.

So he opted to ignore her instead.

"Oi sure wish Oi knew where me glasses were." He sighed loudly, groping clumsily for the precious glasses. Then he stood up, clenching his fist. "Oi don't need those pansy things! Oi'ma professiomananal…professionelly…oh screw it, Oi'm gonna carry on shooting anyway. Even though I am likely to miss and kill all of my team mates instead."

Grabbing his gun, he strode towards the window, humming Eye of the Tiger dramatically.

Only to find that he was pointing a banana out of the window.

"Bugger."

He ducked back into the corner and tried to find his gun, shuffling around and patting the ground, looking like he was doing a strange Aborigine ritual.

He might have been, actually. After all, he WAS from Australia.

Suddenly, the RED team's Spy appeared, blinking down at the Sniper.

"What are you doing?"

Sniper screamed in such a high pitch that all the windows shattered and he threw things at Felix.

"AAAAAAGGGH, get away get away get away!"

Felix slowly backed off with his hands in the air and left, not willing to be bothered by a nearly blind lunatic. Joey rocked in the corner for about five minutes, muttering about bloody spies and their bloody watches before getting up again.

"Oi want my glasses back." He whined.

"WHINING WON'T GET YOU ANYWAY, MAGGOT!" BLU Soldier yelled as he rocket jumped past the window. "GO FIND YOUR DAMN GLASSES BEFORE I FIND THEM MYSELF AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR ASS!"

Horrified at the prospect, Sniper scurried off and cautiously stepped outside his nest. Perhaps they'd dropped on to the dusty ground below? It turns out that his aviators were currently resting on the face of the RED Demoman and Joey felt righteous indignation at the sight of his precious babies being desecrated. He had to get them back!

"OI! Those are moine!" he yelled furiously. He launched himself bravely at Guy and the two men tumbled to the ground together. Guy whipped off the glasses and drew out his grenade launcher.

"Stop! Or the glasses get it!"

Joey froze in his tracks, horrified that his babies were being threatened. What could he do? He was blinder than a fruit fly and he had forgotten to bring his kukri in his haste to save the aviators!

"OH, WHO WILL SAVE ME NOW?" he wailed to the sky.

Suddenly, the RED Sniper leapt out of nowhere, wearing a suit ripped straight out of Men in Black.

"DROP THE GUN, NOW!" he barked and flipped out his identification.

"Agent Bryn Jones, Aviator Protection Agency! You're under arrest for the abuse of aviators and cause of distress to the owner. You're going downtown for this, pal."

BLU Sniper stared in amazement as Bryn carefully handed the glasses back to him and handcuffed Guy's hand together.

"Remember Sniper, whenever aviators are taken, lost or broken…the Aviator Protection Agency is always a didgeridoo away."

With that, Bryn back flipped into the conveniently setting sun, dragging a screeching Guy with him.

Joey looked down at his bright aviators and placed them back on his face, his vision crystal clear and perfect again.

All was right with the world.

Then he exploded via crocket and died.

Shame.

* * *

><p>Mission Completed.<p>

I hope Chaos enjoyed this! And up next is my good friend Wheatley's request, which takes place in TEH FUTURE. So stay tuned!

Love Lily. X


	48. Chapter 48

**100 Missions.**

Well now, monkey beans and fish sticks, here is Wheatley's (aka Smorgesborg) chapter. Hope you like it, bud!

Next chapter will have the next installment of Baby.

* * *

><p>48th Objective: Thirty Years.<p>

There was a fine breeze the day of the reunion. The former Demoman waited patiently at the door of his mansion, searching the horizon for an oncoming taxi. It had been a long, LONG time since he'd run around with a grenade launcher and these days, he'd swapped the launcher for gardening tools; his garden was a thing of beauty and he was rightfully proud of the water feature that was the centrepiece amongst the rainbow of flowers and sprigs of leaves. Another thing he felt proud of was the phone calls he made out of loneliness to his former team mates. Now they could have a get together that would be enjoyable and nostalgic, with his curiosity being satisfied by his former friends telling him what they'd been up to in the last thirty years. For a moment, he could almost hear his mother nagging at him to stand up straighter, despite her being blind.

The oncoming noise of a taxi drew him out of his thoughts and he lit up at the sight of Engineer and Soldier (Dell and…actually he still didn't know his name) sitting together in the back.

"Haha! Welcome to Degroot Manor!" he cheered and the two men nodded as they stepped out of the car.

"Ah haven't seen you for a long time, Tavish! Lookin' good!" Dell called out politely, Soldier helping him take his cane out from the seat. Lugging around heavy machinery had taken a toll on his back.

"It's been far too long, laddie!" Tavish agreed and Soldier gave a faint smile, punching Tavish's arm affectionately like he used to when they were working.

"It's good to see you again, old friend." He rasped. Years of shouting had done a number on his vocal chords and it was a relief in a way to know that he wouldn't be yelling at everyone during the get together today.

As they were standing and chatting outside, another taxi pulled up, bringing with it Scout and his young wife, Diana. Spy seemed to have come along for the ride too because he looked squashed in the corner, thanks to Diana's pregnancy.

"Aw man, it's been so long, eh fellas?" Scout crowed as he jumped out of the taxi, extending an arm to help Diana. Spy stretched as he clambered out too, still wearing the same balaclava from all those years ago.

Spies sure took their jobs seriously.

"Gentlemen," he greeted casually. "I trust you 'ave been keeping well?"

"Well as we can be, I suppose." Answered Tavish, a gleam of distrust in his one good eye present even after all the time apart.

Not that Spy would have it any other way.

It took some time for the other four to show up. Pyro and Sniper arrived together, Mundy explaining gruffly that he'd spotted Pyro near an abandoned bus stop and picked him up. It was startling to see Pyro without his mask and even more so to see that he wasn't horribly disfigured like they'd imagined when the team first met; instead his face was lightly littered with a few pale red scars that didn't make much difference to his overall appearance. Heavy and Medic were the last to show, bringing with them a cake and some wine as extended gratitude for the invite. The former Demoman shepherded them into the massive kitchen and made sure they were all seated before taking the wine and pouring substantial amounts for each person, excluding Diana, who asked politely for a glass of water instead.

"This house is huge, Tav!" Scout chirped from his place by Diana, an arm slung around her shoulders. "I didn't really expect it, to be honest."

DeGroot laughed as he downed his own glass.

"We all got paid so much that we didnae know what to do with it! I might as well have spent SOME of it."

A rumble of laughter echoed around the table and Engineer took that as a cue to tilt his drink towards Scout.

"So, what have y'all been doing with your life? You have a lovely missus with you, by the way."

Diana blushed with pleasure and placed a hand comfortably on her rounded stomach.

It turned out that Scout and Diana met in a bar on the south side of Boston, much to the non-surprise of about everybody in the room.

"And we originally weren't going to meet up again after that night…but we just couldn't get each other out of our heads. So yeah, here we are now, married and havin' a baby and stuff." Scout summarised, stirring his drink with a cocktail stick.

"I never thought I'd see the day where you settled down." Spy replied, tilting his head to peer at the younger man.

"Ta be honest, neither did I. Anyway, I teach kids gym in a local school now."

A few more conversations passed back and forth between the group. Pyro worked at an amusement park, giving guided tours around the animal petting zoo, Soldier and Engie were retired and generally satisfied, with Engineer looking forward to his first grandchild and Medic was due to retire from the hospital he worked at in another year.

"What about you, big guy?" Soldier nudged the large man's arm and Heavy grinned at the group.

"I work in little office. It has good money and I make many friends there."

The thought of the giant sitting at a small desk had them hiding smirks, but they were genuinely pleased for him. In fact, they were pretty happy with each other in general, for a concern of theirs when they'd officially left Mann Co was that they wouldn't be able to intermingle back into normal society.

Apparently, Spy worked for MI5 and this didn't seem to shock anyone either. What else was a former Spy supposed to do?

Sniper was silent throughout this exchange, showing little in the way of emotion.

"So, er, what have you been doing?" Pyro spoke up after a moment's silence, turning to the Australian.

It looked like he wasn't going to answer for a second, then he tilted his hat down a tad.

"Still shootin'. Mostly fer independent clients nowadays. Used to work in a shop, but when me parents passed on, Oi packed up and went back to what Oi do best."

Prying done with, the group turned to reminiscing, recounting battles with vigour and detail that made Diana squirm a bit and by the time midnight struck, they were laughing uproariously, pleasantly tipsy and getting along pretty well. Tavish mused whilst pouring his eight glass of wine that being apart could make the heart grow fonder.

Scout perked up from his slouch, glancing around.

"Hey, any of ya seen Diana?"

"She told me she was just popping to the loo, lad." Demoman adjusted his eye patch, downing the glass and smacking his lips in appreciation at the fruity flavour.

The wordless cry from upstairs had them all on high alert instantly.

"Diana?" Scout moved to the bottom of the stairs and yelled up to her, concern etched into his features. "You okay?"

The blonde appeared at the top, one hand under her bump and pain in her eyes.

"The baby wants out, Dan."

Scout's face went from pale to grey and back to white again in a matter of a minute.

"Are you sure?!"

"Sure as any woman in labour can be!" Diana groused back, immediately hissing between her teeth at the sudden movement.

Medic went into doctor mode immediately and rushed up with Scout to help her down the stairs.

"Stay calm, fraulein, and continue to breathe. You are doing very well. Scout, get ze car."

Scout fumbled for his keys, snatching up Diana's bag as he went.

"The baby wasn't supposed to be due for another week, dammit!"

Diana hobbled out to the car under the calm guidance of the Medic and the other mercenaries crowded by the front door, watching Medic and Scout strap Diana in safely while she huffed in new agony.

"Need any help?" Spy inquired, half-leaning on the doorframe.

Soldier made a quick decision and gathered everyone together.

"Right men, we're escorting them to the hospital! Soldiers stick together, even when not at war!"

Scout couldn't help but grin when the others made tracks towards their own transport. Even through all their ups and downs, he had missed them in one way or another.

* * *

><p>The hospital clock kept ticking and Scout kept pacing, agitated that the doctors hadn't allowed him to be in there with her.<p>

"They were right, Herr Scout. She needs all ze concentration right now." Medic called smoothly, his face composed like the medical professional he was.

Pyro caught Scout's arm on his next lap and pulled him into the chair next to him.

"She needs you alert, not tired out." He joked feebly and Scout smiled almost gratefully at him in return.

In an hour that felt like eternity, the doctor came out with blood stained gloves, a broad beam on his face.

"Congratulations sir, you have a healthy wife and baby girl."

The others cheered while Scout went weak kneed with relief.

"A…baby girl? A baby girl! I'm a daddy!"

With that, he thanked the doctor quickly and all but charged into the room with glee, stopping short when he saw Diana lying exhausted in the bed with a pink bundle cradled in her arms. After hesitating and gathering his wits, the younger man stepped over silently to her side, careful about not waking the little baby. The other men remained a respectful distance while Scout became acquainted with his new daughter.

"Well, would ya look at that? Life is beginning and will do so after we've left after all." Dell mused and murmurs of agreement spread through the team.

No matter what happened, their blood would live on and they would always be a team.

* * *

><p>Alright, I'm back! Sorry for the absence but I've had exams and this story request for Wheatley a.k.a Smorgesborg was pretty difficult for me to get into and finish, for some reason.<p>

I hope he likes it anyway, as I've done my best. I don't think it's my best one, but I'll try and make that up in the next chapter.

Love Lily. X


	49. Chapter 49

**100 Missions.**

Hi all! It's a Christmas special and a comeback from me after some university work! I'm sorry about the lack of updates and I hope that this sequel to LAST Christmas' story makes it up to you! Presenting…Lance and Molly's Christmas wedding.

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><p>49th Objective: Winter Wedding Wonderland.<p>

He was shaking with nerves.

Or at least, his hands were.

Lance waited at the end of the isle and for a moment, he had to struggle to remember how he got here in the first place.

* * *

><p>"Molly?"<p>

"Hm?"

Lance was silent for about five minutes after that, trying to find the words he needed as they sat on the grassy tussock together, watching the sky blush pink in the presence of the setting sun. The warm spring breeze ruffled through their hair and he felt her patience stand strong beside him.

He had never been one for "lovey dovey stuff" and this…she never cared much for theatrics either. This was going to be bad and he should probably quit while he was ahead.

"Never mind."

Molly turned her head fully, her pale neck exposed and turning into gold as she studied his hesitant gaze properly.

"No, Lance. You had something to say. You can tell me!" she coaxed; unaware that what he wanted was the most important thing he had done since signing up to the army. "Has something happened?"

Lance felt her worry start to grow and he quelled it before it could flourish.

"Naw, nothing bad. It's just stupid and you probably won't be interested."

She didn't gush and tell him that what he liked she would too. She didn't beg and plead.

"I might not, you're right. But how will I know if you keep mum? I'll do my best to listen." Her hand fluttered to pat her bob and Lance let his heart flutter with it.

"Molly…how would you feel if a man took out a ring and proposed to you?"

Her red lips curved at the corner, but she humoured him.

"Ooo, it would depend on the circumstances. I'd hate him if he did it in front of everyone."

Rolling brown eyes, Lance scoffed.

"I would too. Why does he need to involve the world and their grandmothers?"

Molly laughed heartily.

"But…I wouldn't mind if you did it," she said suddenly, smiling slyly as he sputtered. "I think you might know what to do, y'see."

An awkward moment ensued as Lance fumbled, his large hands moving through the grass in an attempt to wipe off the building sweat. He just ended up with dirty hands instead. He…he wasn't very good at keeping surprises away from her, that was for sure.

"I wanna marry you, Molly." It came out in a sudden rush. "I wish I knew how to tell you that I want to marry you properly, but I can't do that."

Eyes the colour of the sky in summer crinkled with fondness and a knowing that came from five years of just being together.

"You're not doing badly so far. Try a little further."

"Maybe if you stop teasing me first!" he groaned, sinking his head into a hand and she chuckled, watching as he let out a grunted one in return.

"I'm sorry, I'm so mean. Go on."

Finally realising that there was supposed to be an engagement ring somewhere in this mockery of a marriage proposal, Soldier patted down his breast pockets in the white shirt under his leather jacket until he hit a lump and drew it out, sneaking an uncertain glance at his girlfriend, looking very much like a child ready to give their mother a present, desperate for approval.

"Well, uh, Molly," he swallowed, brushing fingers briefly through cropped hair. "I have a ring I'd like you to try on. Maybe you could wear it forever?"

With taut muscles, he opened the little velvet box.

"This was my mother's," he continued as she gasped, tilting her dark head to see the light catch the little opal embedded in the gold and throw out a rainbow. "And she gave to me before she died. Said she wanted a good woman to have it in her place."

Molly looked at him.

"Will you do me the honour of marrying me, so you can be that good woman? I don't want it on anyone else's finger, to be honest."

For a heart-stopping second, Molly kept her thoughtful gaze on him. Then it headed to the ring and she gently cupped his cheek.

"I hope I can always be that good woman. Yes, Lance. I will."

Refraining from sweeping her into his strong arms, he let her take it and place it on her own slim finger. THEN he stood and twirled her round, crying out in delight.

"You said yes! Even after I messed up and asked you advice on how to ask you to marry you, holy Mother of God!"

Adrenaline and love and everything he'd never felt with any other female poured into his veins like a warm drink.

Molly laughed and cried all at once.

"You know," she said with a small smile after they'd calmed down. "We met at Christmas, didn't we?"

Lance stared at her.

"Yes?"

With a grin, Molly took his hand and stroked his thumb.

"I've always wanted a Christmas wedding."

* * *

><p>And they'd done just that, the RED Soldier reflected. It was like they had a fairy godmother or something. There was snow falling, they'd managed to rope in Felix the RED Spy to play the piano for their reception and the ground was lovely and white, matching the hyacinths (Molly's favourite) that decorated the silver backed chairs. They even had a fountain which the ceremony would be performed in front of.<p>

It was an outside wedding, a day completed by his friends and few remaining relatives, who expressed their delight at the wedding invitations, which were sent out a month in advance. A nudge had him glancing at Guy, his best man.

"Ye ready?"

Lance laughed, his voice a little too high.

"If I'm not now, then I'll never be."

The RED Demoman just gazed at him out of his one good eye and the tough soldier found himself relenting under the onslaught.

"I'm terrified. What if she realises two months down the line that this was all a huge mistake? Or we argue too much? Or-?"

Suddenly, the small band they'd hired for the ceremony began to play the Wedding March and Lance gulped.

"Oh my god, she's coming."

The Scotsman chuckled and nudged him again.

"Oh aye…and she looks fantastic."

Curiosity and a longing to see her again had him turning round quickly and his jaw dropped, making their RED Scout grin as he tightened his hold on the rings.

Molly was…well, there was no other word for it apart from beautiful.

With her father proudly on her arm, Molly's humble train was being carried by her two sisters, both looking slightly tearful. The veil covered most of her face, but even from his place at the front, her soon to be husband could see a tiny smile already gracing it. It was a modest dress with a tight bodice and he had never seen something so perfect.

"Wow…"

"I'm glad you're impressed," she teased gently when she reached him, her father kissing her hand and giving her one final hug before joining her mother (who was already bawling) at the head of the chairs. "Are you ready?"

"I-I don't know." He stammered in reply, wanting nothing more than to take her hand and run far away, and she giggled in response.

As the priest started his sermon, she whispered to him again.

"We're doing it! We're getting married!"

"I must be insane."

A hand swatted his black covered arm and they straightened just in time to give their vows.

"Do you, Molly Seedford, take Lance Corporal as your husband, until death do you part?"

"I do!" she repeated, her face flushed under the lacy veil.

"And do you, Lance Corporal, take Molly Seedford as your lawfully wedded wife, until death do you part?"

"I do." He said softly, already envisioning their lives together.

"Then I have nothing more to say, apart from you may now kiss the bride! And congratulations!" the priest ended with a smile.

The entire company burst into yells and applause as Lance uncovered her and took her in his arms, sealing their new bond with a long, strong kiss.

"Who wants a drink and some cake?" he bellowed to the guests and the cheers made the bride and groom beam with pride.

The ceremony might be over, he reflected, but his life with Molly was only just beginning.

Mission Complete.

* * *

><p>That was so bloody corny at the end. Sorry about that. XD<p>

Anyway, another apology is in order because this is also a late Christmas update. So, I'm very sorry!

Love, Lily. X


	50. Chapter 50

**100 Missions.**

Hi everyone! Here's Saltant's birthday fic (at long last) and I think it's about a month late, which I'm REALLY sorry for, although uni kept me away from writing in general. Please don't be mad, Sal, and everyone should go and wish them belated returns.

* * *

><p>50th Objective: Happy Birthday!<p>

It was Scout's birthday, but he wasn't very excited about it.

Oh, normally he would! He'd be leaping out of bed and knocking on the doors of all his brothers and on his ma's door, yelling about how they should be up at the crack of dawn because today was special, dammit! It was the only time he could do this, because he'd learnt in early childhood that they wouldn't tolerate him doing that every day for a week, let alone every year. And then everyone would get up, grumbling good-naturedly, and shower him with presents (which he enjoyed) and love (which he enjoyed even more).

Unfortunately, he knew that this year would be different because he was with a bunch of old, grumpy men, who had no time for caring about birthdays and had no idea his birthday even existed anyway. Sighing grumpily, he got washed and dressed and went clumping down the hall for breakfast. It was times like these that made him feel homesick.

"Hey." He grunted, slumping down into a chair and reaching for whatever was in front of him.

"Get out o' the wrong side o' the bed?" Demo asked cheerfully, necking down Scrumpy (Jesus, how did he stand it?) and Scout shrugged, shoving in a forkful of bacon.

At least he had a decent birthday breakfast.

"Nah, just missin' home, what with it bein' my birthday and all…"

Hint hint.

Then again, it wasn't like the Cyclops could just produce a present out of nowhere.

But when no birthday wishes were given, Scout looked over and saw that Demoman had fallen asleep face-first in his own cornflakes, to his disgust.

"Gee, thanks." He muttered to an otherwise empty room.

"What for? Breakfast?" Engie asked from behind.

"Uh, yeah!" blurted out Scout, startled.

"Aw shucks, son. It's only mah usual."

"Yeah, well, better than da crap we sometimes get."

Even good-hearted Dell couldn't argue with that one.

"Anyway, happy birthday, son."

Least SOMEONE was listening.

"Thanks."

* * *

><p>Once everyone had their fill, it was time for the usual battles for the intelligence. Scout tried to get himself pumped up for it, but his heart wasn't in it like it normally was. The glory of a winning battle and his kick-ass moves just couldn't shift aside the misery that was a forgottenunknown birthday. They could have asked when it was, even if they were being polite or not interested. Aside from Engineer, nobody mentioned anything close to his birthday, not even when he hinted loudly about it during countdown in Respawn.

Assholes, the lot of them.

To make things worse, none of them were listening to his information and warnings concerning their BLU opposition – they were doing their own thing and Sniper even told him to "shut his gob".

Well then!

Fine.

As they say, two could play at that game. He was going to do whatever the hell he wanted and not cooperate with his team-mates at all! Scout would win them this battle and laugh his ass off when he basked in the praise later.

Best birthday ever.

He was a genius.

Except maybe he wasn't, because he'd been mown down by the BLU Heavy and RED Soldier's "friendly fire". What chump came up with THAT? There was nothing friendly about being blown up by an errant rocket. Scout left the Respawn for the third time in an hour, an ugly glare on his face. Nobody said anything as he passed, having probably worked out that they would be heading for a high-speed trip to Respawn if they did.

What if Respawn failed and he died?

They'd be sorry then. Scout could see it now, all of them crying and wailing round his grave, Spy lamenting about how he should have arrived sooner so Scout would still be alive to see the fifty foot cake he'd ordered straight from Paris.

With thick frosting and everything!

What was a birthday without cake?

Hoisting his scattergun, the RED Scout bolted out of his base, straight past the oncoming BLUs (lucky they had a gap in their defences really) and tore into the BLU base with a murderously straight face.

Oh boy, was he in a bad mood.

The BU Pyro didn't even know what had hit him.

Hint: it was a very heavy, wooden Sandman baseball bat.

He stalked into the intel room, shot the BLU Spy without even looking and shouldered the intel, stopping for a second to reload his pistol.

"Got da frickin' intel and all that shit."

Nobody replied over the comm, still in shock at his angry, dramatic performance.

Good.

With that, he ran back, avoiding the BLU Engineer's sentry and sticking his middle finger up at the enemy base as he came over the bridge. The sniper shot just missed his head, shooting his hat off into the water instead.

"Yeah, screw you too, pal!" he yelled back with real venom instead of cocky teasing and he made it safely inside, throwing himself into a forward roll to spring up under the stairs leading to the second floor.

Because he felt like it.

So there.

A wicked thought entered his head, but Scout brushed it off quickly because he really didn't want his birthday to be any more boring or worse. Technically, he could deliberately lose RED the game, but again, it would be his last birthday if he performed badly on purpose. So, heavily, he stomped over to their intel and slammed the briefcase on the desk with all the force he could muster (which was a lot, seeing as Scout possessed beautiful muscles), hearing the bell and Announcer signal the end of the battle. Scout didn't bother joining the rest of his team for the victory massacre.

* * *

><p>"That was a fine performance, private!" came the loud voice of the Soldier and Scout shrugged one shoulder, having decided he was going to limit interaction (and be rude about it) with his tea as much as possible.<p>

"Seriously, yer a bleedin' firecracker!" Sniper added, sounding bewildered. "You looked loike you were going to re-enact Texas Chainsaw Massacre out there!"

"I'd love a chainsaw right now." Scout muttered sourly.

A beefy hand clapped his shoulder and Scout shrugged it off, earning a startled pause from RED Solly.

"Is, er, is everything alright?"

"No, naw, everything's GREAT! Just so awesome!" the younger man replied with sarcastic heat, throwing his equipment into his locker.

"Not happy with your performance?" Soldier asked quietly after a moment of uncertainty.

"Nope! That was my best, like always!"

"So why are you acting like someone stole your toys?" RED's Spy drawled lazily from the corner.

"None of your business."

"But it is my business to know." Said Spy with a smirk and Scout nearly dented the door of his locker with how hard he shut it as he spun round.

"Yeah? Well maybe if you were da "clever Spy" you think you are, you would all know that today is my birthday!"

It was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop.

"And Engie is the ONLY guy dat even said "Happy Birthday", let alone anythin' else!"

"We're not psychic." Spy murmured calmly.

"You coulda asked when it was beforehand! I made sure I knew all of yers!" Scout yelled.

"No, you didn't!" came Medic's confused voice and Scout just pointed at him.

"July 1st."

"Oh…vell, maybe you did then."

"Just shows how much you care."

And with that, Scout kicked over a chair and stormed out. All eyes turned to Engineer, who shuffled.

"What?"

* * *

><p>He might as well grab some food now that everyone turned in for the night.<p>

Weirdly enough, they had all gone to bed pretty quietly tonight. Must be getting old.

…Aw, now he felt bad for shouting.

Tiptoeing his way out of his room, Scout snuck down the darkened hall, pausing when he noticed a light coming from under the door of the Recreation Room. Scout was pretty certain that everyone had gone to bed, but if they'd left the light on, that was a fine clapped on all of their heads for wasting fuel.

Great. So typical.

Conveniently not thinking about how he did that sort of thing here all the time, the young runner sighed and opened the door.

"SURPRISE!"

All of their voices at once made him hit the roof with shock.

"Sweet mother of Mary!"

"Happy Birthday, son." Engie remarked with a grin and Scout spotted a cake in the middle of the table.

"Well crap, ya went ahead and did somethin' nice for me after all!" the fastest member of the team cheered and Heavy smirked.

"Don't get used to it."

Bouncing on the balls of his feet, Scout hurriedly cut the cake for everyone and the small party got under way.

"So, where're my presents?"

Everyone froze like a deer in the woods being targeted by a hunter and the RED Scout laughed.

"Just messin' with ya. Thanks…I mean it."

Mission Complete.

* * *

><p>No presents didn't necessarily mean a bad birthday after all.<p>

Hope this story was to your liking, Sal!

Love Lily. X


	51. Chapter 51

**100 Missions.**

Great news, everyone! A very lovely person called Aurero has decided to translate the whole of 100 Missions into Russian! As Heavy would say "Da, very good!" and please, if there are any Russian speakers amongst you, give them your full support.

Anyway, on with chapter fifty one (holy crap, we were at the bottom and now we're here).

In light of the recent TF2 comic, and the fifty million bomb shells that dropped on us, I have to update. This is definitely the best story spark I've had in ages!

* * *

><p>51st Objective: It's a Cold Day In Hell.<p>

No.

No way.

His men never betrayed him. Never.

And yet, there he was, on the other side of the battlefield.

"How could he do this?!"

Heavy – no, Misha – started forwards, intent on grabbing the Medic and shaking him senseless, judging by the anguish on his thick face. Soldier flung out a hand.

"Just…wait."

It was very unlike Solly to use a quiet voice, but there it was and Heavy restrained himself, eyes narrowing down at the American.

"Go ahead. You will not get anywhere."

Defeat already lay on his tongue and the other turned away, unable to bear it. Defeat was full of dishonour, full of nothing.

"Be ready."

All the REDs and BLUs stood their ground, still as statues. The only good thing about this was that both Spies had proven their loyalty by not betraying them automatically – being a traitor was instinct for them after all.

"Good for nothing Nazi." He hissed under his breath and then raised his eyes. "You having fun over with those old-timers?"

"My pa is over there."

"Fine! Old-timers and Engineer's dad! Happy?" Soldier cried out, exasperated. Nobody said anything on either side and he took that as his cue to carry on. "I guess we couldn't give you enough, could we? Our organs, our bodies…became the same after a while, huh?"

A ripple of surprise shifted through the gathered men.

"I thought he was going to ask if it was the money that swayed him," murmured the Classic Sniper. "Guess not."

The ex-RED Medic paused, obviously taken off guard. Then he drew himself up proudly and smiled, a professional gleam in his perfect teeth. Maybe that should have been Soldier's warning.

"The things zey let me do is more than vhat you were willing, am I right?"

"They fed on your insanity." Soldier snapped back. "I should know, I'm not exactly right in the head myself."

Another jolt of strangeness burst through both crowds. Soldier was drawing out something they hadn't witnessed before and they weren't sure what to make of it. When did he learn how to spar with words as well as guns?

"Ah, but you are just extremely backwards and almost like a talking gorilla," Medic shrugged, his blue eyes locked on approximately where Soldier's were under that helmet. "My "insanity" is just scientific and medical brilliance."

"Being nuts don't work like that, Doc," Soldier replied quietly, his gaze seemingly focused the white-coated German. "It's not like you can control the fallout. That's why it's so cruel. It lets you think you have enough power to change the world, to change humanity, while keeping yourself intact and then rips the blindfold off long enough for you to see what you've done."

A story lay under those hushed words, but Soldier clearly wasn't going to share it. Medic stared back, unblinking. Something made Medic twitch.

"They won't give you what you want. They're not insane like you, so they don't…won't understand. Don't blame them either." A mirthless smile crossed those craggy features.

One of the Classics seemed to be getting impatient, because he stepped forward roughly.

"Are we going to do what we were paid to do or what?!" The eye-patch on his face slipped a bit and he pulled it back.

"Dunno," Soldier waved a hand carelessly in their direction. "Depends if we can get our traitor to un-betray us."

The tone was so blasé that the leader couldn't help but ask;

"What if you can't?"

A dead, yet manic look took over the Soldier's expression. It was a twisted feature that only he had ever been able to pull off.

"Then we'll slaughter the lot of you, so to speak. For the good of the USA!"

"Fer the good o' our pay checks, more like!" grumbled Demoman.

Their ex-Medic clearly had enough, because he whipped out his bone saw and crossed the length of the battlefield, catching Soldier clean across the face with the serrated edge. Soldier stumbled backwards and didn't say anything, his head snapped to the side. Then he looked up, with ice-blue eyes full of pain. Everyone froze, ready to jump into action at a moment's notice.

"So we're not your family anymore then. Figures. I could never keep the people I cared about anyway."

Medic struggled to keep his composure as Soldier tore the shovel from his back.

"I don't really care how much you've hurt me, I'm used to that. But you WILL rue the day you ripped this team apart and sided with that piece of Gray shit!"

And with a snarl, he lunged forward, digging the sharpened blade into the Medic's side. The ex-RED dropped his weapon in shock and howled. Bullets and rockets and god knows what else went flying in seconds, tearing up the soil in clumps and splashing blood on clothes and dirt.

RED Soldier only had eyes for the traitor. He felt the BLU Soldier come up to his side, tilting his head questioningly.

"Together, private?"

The other considered his counterpart for a moment, remembering how kind and useful the BLU had been to their war effort over the last few months. He hadn't seen loyalty like that in a long time. Plus he was American, so why the hell not?

"Together."

The two pulled out their rocket launchers and locked on to the Medic, who gazed up sheepishly.

"Truce?"

"No."

The rocket launchers went off, but the shells were rebounded by the Classic Pyro, who leapt into the fray and pulled the dazed doctor to his feet with obvious contempt. The two Soldiers gave chase, but eventually lost the two enemies in a cloud of smoke.

"Crap." Hissed RED Soldier and the BLU stopped him short.

"You need that looked at."

"It's a scratch, soldier! Don't tell me you faint at the sight of blood, sissy!" Solly snapped, reaching up to pat his bleeding cheek.

The other glared.

"Scratches can get infected. And I'll have you know I'm NOT a sissy!" he replied shortly. "Now are you going to let me stitch that up quickly or not?"

The RED Soldier drew up but deflated at the stubborn set to the other's chin.

"Didn't even know you knew how to stitch." He muttered as the BLU Soldier swiped some thread and a needle out of his pocket.

"Standard knowledge for a soldier. Medics aren't always available. 'Sides, our Medic taught us."

"…We'll win this. We HAVE to."

"I know."

The battle raged on, as did the war.

Mission Complete.

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><p>Not too long, but hopefully you liked it!<p>

Love Lily. X


	52. Chapter 52

**100 Missions.**

Hi everyone! Back again with another request story! I've finally got round to Kane's Right Hand's request (which was a LONG time ago – so sorry about that, Kane), which involves Pyro fighting off a load of giant aliens, robots and zombies.

…Shouldn't be too hard for him.

It also signals the return of my boys! I would suggest reading chapters 1 and 2 and my profile for information on them (though the profile versions aren't complete yet).

I hope it's to your liking, Kane!

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><p>52nd Objective: Pyro Saves the World.<p>

There were a lot of bad things coming on the horizon.

I mean, there were literally giant aliens.

"We might as well surrender right now." Said the members of the Teufort Police Force.

So they dropped all of their weapons and lay down flat on the floor.

Like bloody professionals.

Still, the army of zombies, robots and giant aliens moved onwards, a great wall of menacing eyes and dead people because that sounds absolutely terrifying, let's cut to our main protagonist while Teufort gets trashed and stomped on.

Sounds good?

Wait, you WANT to know how this all started?

Wow, you're a demanding fanfiction audience.

It all started a week ago, when the Republicans decided to try and contact foreign life in space. I say Republicans because the Democrats aren't quite so…risky? Yeah, that sounds believable.

"Is everything ready?" asked some poor scientist who never got a name because everyone knew he was just some minor character.

"Yep, everything's ship shape and ready to go!" replied another nameless scientist. "Better go let the boss know!"

The politicians in posh business suits crowded behind bullet proof glass, the many white lab coats that were the equivalent of Star Trek's Red Shirts pressed blinking buttons and checked shiny equipment and the Head Scientist (we'll call him DJ Hat) stood importantly at the back of the room with the Head of the US military (we'll call him General What's His Face).

"Are you absolutely sure about this?"

"We are, DJ Hat! We're the goddamn United States of America and we've done enough interfering on Earth! Now it's time to interfere with other planets as well!" cried General What's His Face, apparently feeling that he could speak for his entire country.

"But, you know, this life-changing experiment could have…"

The dramatic music in the background reached its peak as DJ Hat looked straight at General What's His Face in slow motion.

"…Consequences!"

Now, sensible people (especially being the Head of the US army) would gasp in a shocked manner and go;

"Shit, we didn't think of that! We should probably shut all of this down and go to the bar or something."

But General What's His Face was a REAL American! Science couldn't tell HIM what to do!

"Since when the hell did true Americans ever care about something like that?"

DJ Hat thought for about a millisecond, then high-fived the General.

"Hell yeah, you're right!"

There was a sudden tense silence as the countdown flashed across the screen. Then the signals and radio messages started to span out across the galaxy, annoying the neighbours and setting off next door's dog. After a while, to everyone's surprise (and cue massive cheers of accomplishment), a screen popped up with a video feed linked in.

Tentatively, a connection was made.

After an hour, explosions and screams could be heard from within that ill-fated lab.

One of the Republicans had mentioned budget cuts.

* * *

><p>And so that leads us back to where we are now, where the aliens and zombies and robots happily destroyed the world.<p>

Well, America.

Because ninety nine percent of all disaster movies happen in the USA.

Seriously, it's like the rest of the world doesn't exist.

What about the zombies and robots, you ask?

Bugger if I know, I'm not that great of a storyteller.

Anyway, the BLU team had heard about this catastrophe and, as expected, Soldier was having a fit.

"Our glorious country is being attacked by foreigners coming to steal our hard-working American jobs!"

"It's not that kind of invasion, pal." Said Seth the BLU Scout, rolling his eyes so hard, they flipped into the back of his head.

While Scout stumbled around, clutching his face and screaming, the rest of the team took the liberty of explaining what was ACTUALLY happening.

"Oh."

"What are we going ta do about it?" wondered Scotland, who wasn't drunk because he was tired of being portrayed as a drunkard who did nothing and decided to get a new persona!

For this story, he was going to be a sober Scotsman who did nothing!

…At least, he was, until he remembered that the world was most likely coming to an end, so it was pretty pointless being awake for that.

He became the sober Scotsman who went to bed instead.

"Well, Oi'm going 'ome. Australia's so dangerous, no living thing in the universe would dream of tryin' to invade there!" Joey the BLU Sniper proclaimed, delighted that the menagerie of poisonous and angry animals worked out in his favour for once.

As Sniper left the country and Scout lay twitching at everyone's feet, the remainder of BLU stared awkwardly at each other.

"Does ANYONE have a plan?" asked Harry the BLU Engineer in exasperation.

There was a lot of head-shaking.

"…Darn."

Unbeknownst to these hapless BLU mercs, their BLU Pyro, Chazz, had snuck out of the base. He was going to fight these evil beings!

Now if only he could stop quivering in his boots at the thought of using his flamethrower. Having pyrophobia in his profession was incredibly ironic, not to mention extremely difficult.

Eventually he came upon the merry destruction and stopped short at the sight of the thousand- strong army.

…Chazz MAY not have thought this one through.

Then again, when the heck did his entire team think anything through?

There was only one way Chazz Patch would ever find the courage to fight this million-strong army (I lied about the amount the first time to try and cheer him up). With trembling hands, the gas-masked man pulled out a pair of goggles from his backpack. The RED Pyro who made up the main RED team (they were off fighting bears up in Russia or something) distributed these Pyrovision goggles to every Pyro throughout the land and they were the only things that helped this particular BLU do his job.

He put them on in grim determination and let the joy commence.

And by that, I mean he went absolutely berserk, setting zombies on fire, ripping robots apart with his giant pink Lollichop and shooting the stuffing out of the aliens with his shotgun. A heavy metal band played on a stage made of chainsaws.

It was incredible.

"Shouldn't we be…helping?" Jane pointed out as the BLUs watched this one man show-down.

"Nah," remarked Seth, who miraculously had his sight back (it was a Christmas miracle in August). "Let's just watch."

Seeing as he was the laziest Scout in existence, this statement wasn't a surprise.

BLU Pyro took no notice, wading in further to kill more enemies. He was an unstoppable blue juggernaut. A zombie ran at him, teeth bared, but Pyro was prepared and threw a lion at it, letting it be devoured whole.

Nobody knew where he'd got the lion from.

Chazz Patch received no help from any legal authorities or his own team that day, for the sake of the plot, which had many argument scenes, Pyro slamming his hands down on a war map and a touching Christmas truce with the opposition, where he played a rousing game of football (one vs about eleven).

Yes, it was still August.

They were just really excited about Christmas.

Finally, it boiled down to ten aliens on one side and Chazz on the other.

The world (and popcorn-eating spectators) waited with baited breath.

"Mmph, mmmm, myou mph mphmh!"

The aliens gibbered back in their own language and nobody ever understood what was said. Which was unfortunate, because then Hollywood had to make up a cheesy dramatic last speech involving pride and saving America or whatever. And that ruined the entire film based on Pyro's life.

Typical.

Everything exploded as Pyro charged, dodging and smashing aliens in the face when he caught them unawares. People cheered him on, Seth lazily lifting his beer bottle and letting out a half-assed noise of excitement. It then ended up being a wrestling match between Chazz and the very last alien, Chazz coming over in a bright purple leotard and slamming the alien into the floor by dunking him over and over. The last alien motioned for him to kneel next to its dying form.

"Listen to me," it whispered in suddenly perfect English. "I came out to have a good time and I honestly feel so attacked right now."

It then died in silence and Pyro shed tears, for that sentence changed his views on the war forever. However, the war was over and Pyro had no time for reflection, for there was a giant feast held in his honour.

"I can't believe you saved us all, private!" cried Jane, weeping into the US flag with pride.

Miss Pauling swooned at his feet (but then realised how out of character that was and recovered), and they rode off on her moped into the sunset, where they had a grand time shooting giant pieces of mutant bread.

The end.

* * *

><p>Mission Objective complete.<p>

I hope this was alright and sorry for the length of time it took to complete this request! Also, bonus points for anyone who spots recent references to TF2!

Love Lily.


	53. Chapter 53

**100 Missions.**

Hi all! This is another request chapter, as I'm now trying to work through my request list – some people are either fashionably or extremely late and, as an author who tries to keep her readers happy, this delay is unacceptable – so I can finally get them out of the way and make said requesters happy.

So, without further ado, this is Tokyo Sunset's request. This involves my BLU boys again.

* * *

><p>53rd Objective: Trying to Quit.<p>

It had to be said that Emmett had tried extremely hard at giving up smoking.

For all of one day.

Apparently, it had been interfering with his work, as targets smelt his cigarettes before he could stab them in the back or whatever.

Soldier immediately blamed him for their losing streak. Then again, he also blamed him for World War II, but that was a different matter altogether.

It started off well enough, Emmett's performance during the day's match rising considerably. By the evening, however, the BLU Spy was getting cranky, twitchy and was developing an odd tic with his neck.

Frankly, he was giving Harry the creeps.

"Look, son," he tried uncertainly. "Maybe y'all should go to bed and sleep off that lousy ol' withdrawal.

Twitch twitch.

"Hic."

"Is he bloody hiccupping now as well?" Joey asked with raised eyebrows.

"Sure sounds like it to me."

Spy somehow managed to get to his feet, only to drop into a slow crawl out of the room.

"Yeah, this guy has issues." Joey scoffed, turning back to the black TV and everyone tried to forget the strange episode.

Elias (their little BLU Medic) couldn't really put it aside though, as it was a health-related issue. So he cautiously trailed after the crawling man, prodding at him with a stick he'd found and attempting to speak to him in his less-than-stellar English (although it was better, thanks to Damon's help).

"Spy, get up!"

Emmett actually hissed at him like a wild cat and the German squeaked, scuttling back a step. What was he to tell the Administrator, he thought sadly as the BLU Spy made a noise like a dying animal and curled up hugging a bucket closely to himself. He couldn't ask to replace an insane individual overnight (he'd already tried that with Soldier).

"I shall name zis bucket…Little Jimmy!" the Spy cried out mournfully. "As he is my only friend in this trying time!"

Or he could just be going through the most dramatic withdrawal the world had ever seen.

"Dummkopf!" Elias huffed and put the stick against the wall. "You should have come to me!"

Emmett shook his head sadly.

"I don't want you writing my eulogy, mon ami."

Medic slapped a gloved hand down his face, then regretted doing that when said skin protested at the rubber.

"You are not dying."

"Then why do I feel like I am?!" Spy wailed and was promptly hit in the head with Scotland's flying boot.

"Shut up!"

Elias somehow managed to drag the other BLU to his bedroom and left him there in the middle of the floor. He'd had enough for one day. And so when Emmett woke a few hours later, it was to a splitting headache and the realisation that he'd left his emergency pack of cigarettes under his bed.

"Mon dieu!" he exclaimed in utter glee and practically dove under his bed.

There they were, in all of their cardboard red and white glory. If only the finest artists could capture this precious substance in a painting that would stared at like the manna from Heaven! But no, instead they were painting bowls of fruit and bored-looking women. What a waste of valuable time.

And now they were calling him. It was like they were screaming at him to just chain smoke them all right this instant. Eh, why the hell not?

Without preamble, Emmett grabbed the entire carton of them and lit the match needed to light them all.

Unfortunately, it was that moment that Seth chose to slink into his room.

"Yo, Emmett, Solly's getting' all mad at me again and…"

He trailed off, because their Spy literally had all twenty cigarettes in his mouth. He looked like a humongous idiot - an idiot with a mouth apparently the size of the Great Canyon.

"…What in da flyin' levels of hell are ya doin'?"

Spy started humming like a contented bee.

"Nah, ya know what? You can just…have your moment with those cancer sticks. I'm out." Scout threw up his hands and left, deciding that his bed was the perfect place to do nothing for the next five hours.

Spy didn't care, because all was right with his world once more; until he accidentally swallowed a few and had to go to the Medic's office to help him stop choking.

Nobody ever made him give up smoking again.

Mission Complete.

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><p>So, there you have it. Hope this was alright for you, Tokyo! A bit short, but it's about as much as I could come up with for this chapter. Bit of a stubborn one, this.<p>

Love Lily. X


	54. Chapter 54

**100 Missions.**

Here's a request by TroubleBulbasaur for kittens or baby pandas. Seeing as everyone writes about kittens, it's time to go in another direction.

* * *

><p>54th Objective: Black and White.<p>

They were everywhere and it was glorious.

Felix the RED Spy had squealed, actually squealed, when he saw them and had been lost amongst the black and white fluff soon after. Pippin too waded in with the crèche of baby pandas and had one or two clambering on his belly. Their RED Sniper, Bryn, was sitting on a bench nearby, his hat over his face as he took a kip. One of the panda cubs was curled at his feet, snoring.

It was a cute sight but Guy just felt awkward. He never really noticed animals much. It wasn't that he didn't like them or anything, nor was he scared of any, he just never…connected. And it appeared as though the feeling was mutual, for the pandas ignored him too.

"Ack…" he sighed and decided to go and sit on the bench next to the snoozing Welshman. The dark-skinned Demoman rest an elbow on one knee as he watched the activities.

Nobody really knew where these pandas had come from. They just popped out of the teleporters and that was that. Hopefully they'd all be shipped off to sanctuaries in the morning by Saxton Hale – even he wasn't cruel enough to wrestle and kill panda cubs.

"Aw, look at this one!"

"They're all really adorable."

"Hey, this one's in my helmet, that's hilarious."

"Wonder if I could sneak one home to Molly…"

The Scottish man listened for a while, then stood up and stretched, his back cracking - might as well grab a drink because he had nothing to do in here.

It didn't take long for him to register that one of the babies had escaped. The little legs were working overtime as it followed him down the hallway and he kept looking back in bemusement. Animals were never attracted to him either, so what was this guy doing?

…Or gal. He didn't know how to tell the difference. Either way, the tiny creature went all the way into the kitchen with him and plopped down on to its plump bottom, staring up expectantly.

"Wot?"

More staring.

"You ain't havin' any juice, wee thing."

More shifting around.

"Ach, you beasties are weird."

Suddenly, he felt something warm attach itself to his leg and he wiggled, watching the panda baby cling on tightly.

"…Alright then." The Demoman shrugged, knowing that there was really no point in trying to shake the cub off. And it was sort of nice to have an animal expressing on interest in him for once.

With an awkward pat on the panda's head, the odd pair made their way back to the crèche, the Demoman's left foot thumping awkwardly on carpet. The panda mewled a little as he stopped, letting go and rolling backwards, being picked up afterwards by Guy and held in the crook of his arm. With a tiny sigh, it snuggled in and fell asleep.

Guy sat back in a chair and sipped his juice, quite content.

And when they left, he was quite sorry to see the little ones go.

Mission Complete.

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><p>Okay guys, a short (really sorry about the length) story to while away your time while I work on a chapter dealing with the new comic "Blood in the Water". I really hope Bulbasaur enjoyed it!<p>

Love Lily. X


	55. Chapter 55

**100 Missions.**

Hi guys! Blood in the Water was a pretty nutty comic with darker undertones and I think we all felt sorry for Sniper and possibly the Administrator this time round. Did you all expect the feelings to be over after this update?

Dohohohohohoho, you've all forgotten how I operate.

Special announcement: One or two of you may notice that the beginning chapters of this multi-story fic have changed either a little or a lot. This is because I've gone back and started either touching-up spelling mistakes, grammatical errors etc, or I've deleted whole sentences/rewrote new ones. The beginning chapters of any new fanfiction tend to be the weakest for me (at least, in my experience), so I've gone back to improve them. Plus, this was started way back in December 2011 (wow) and I've hopefully improved since then. So please enjoy this new chapter and the new improvements overall. I haven't completed the improvements yet, so hopefully you'll have things to look forward too.

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><p>55th Objective: Bang Bang, That Awful Sound.<p>

It took a while to accept that his parents were dead. While everyone else on RED were off gallivanting around the world and acting like bloody idiots, Sniper went home and quietly grieved in his usual stoic fashion for three months on his own.

When WASN'T he on his own?

It was while he was sorting through his family's belongings that he discovered it. It was a yellowed floor plan to a part of his house that he'd never known about, and with it came an equally yellowed letter.

_"My Darling,_

_You always knew us as your parents and to me, you ARE our son; such a handsome boy through body and spirit._

_Still, I wrote this letter because, unlike your ridiculous father, I feel that you have the right to know everything about yourself._

_Thirty years ago, we were blessed with a miracle from God. The way you came to us was a little unusual…put it this way, you were not birthed from my womb, though you may as well have been. For both of us, it was love at first sight and we adopted you because you seemed to warm up to us too (especially your dad – you LOVED pulling on his moustache!). And ever since then, you have filled our lives with joy and warmth, like the ocean in summer._

_I know you must be angry, for we didn't tell you any of this when you were old enough to understand, but your father (and I must confess, this worries me as well) feared that you would be made more of an outcast than you already were. Those children at school are so cruel to you, my love, as they don't see what I see in you._

_I'm sorry._

_Please, don't hate us for this. Even if you look for your real parents…I know this this selfish of us to ask for this now, as you are probably reading this as a fully-grown man, but…_

_Don't forget us._

_We never meant to hurt you and to see you pull away from our home would be more than my heart could bear._

_Always in my heart and prayers,_

_Mum."_

They…

They weren't his real parents?

His face had contorted in confusion, then shocked realisation the longer he read the inked words on the paper. Certain pieces of himself were made a little clearer in that moment and he sat there for a long time in that dark cellar just...absorbing this latest information. What else could he do? Then he found the key to the room the floor plan described in a wooden box and he went with his curiosity, tucking the letter in his pocket for later, when he could finally decide what to do with it.

It was tempting to burn it - for there was no doubt he felt anger. Were they ashamed of his adopted status? They could have sat him down and explained to him! He deserved that much after everything he'd been through! A strange longing pulled at his chest at the thought of someone actually talking to him…listening to him.

There was no point thinking about such things, however. Sniper made peace with his lone wolf status long ago. At least…he thought he did.

He opened the door.

He found a strange craft and another letter beside it.

He didn't find the answer to the ever-growing question itching in the back of his mind.

Who were "they"?

And what the hell was this piece of junk? He'd been found in it…had they just left him in it at the side of the road or something?

He may as well have fallen from the sky.

A spark burned within him and he stood, brushing dust off his knees.

The Australian was going to find out, God willing.

* * *

><p>Shit.<p>

**Shit.**

Everything felt warm and cold at once. His ears buzzed with static. Those bullets tore through his torso like they were punching through paper…why didn't he plan for this?

Why didn't he see this coming?

His…biological father took the sub and all of their weapons with it. His biological mother was in space drinking bloody wine until the end of her days. Of course his life would end with rejection – his birth started with neglect after all.

Some professional he was.

Shock killed the pain and he toppled backwards with a small splash that signalled his demise. A faint curse whispered in the back of his mind as he started to sink, rueing the times he'd left his adopted parents on their own, regretting that he'd never said how much he'd loved them in the final conversation, wondering how it would have felt to find his soul-mate.

To be married…

To find friends…

Someone, anyone who loved him at all…

But it was too late now. The water caressed his heavy limbs and it was quieter down there – perhaps he was an ocean child instead of a star child. Something tugged at his body (or was it HIS body he was feeling?), but he felt too disconnected, fading into the cold like he was being pushed through ice.

"No!"

"…per!"

His head was numb.

"…on!"

Where – where was he again?

"…bloody die!"

Who was he?

It all went silent.

* * *

><p>The first thing he did was squint. Everything blurred in and out once, twice, then finally cleared up a little. Sniper heard a faint beeping on his left and he sighed in a vague attempt at speech.<p>

"Zhanna, I think he's waking up!"

Soldier didn't whisper like that.

"Sniper, can you hear us?"

Miss Pauling shouldn't care – she just did her job for the Administrator, right?

His eyes slid around for a second, trying to focus.

"…Paulin'."

"Yes, yes, I'm here. We're all here," came her voice again as he felt her stroke his hand. "How are you?"

His mouth felt drier than the Australian desert and everything hurt, but it wasn't as painful as he first expected. Sniper also had no idea where he was.

"Thirsty."

A hand, strong but careful, lifted his head upwards and he felt plastic touch his mouth.

"Drink some, ye bastard. Scared us stupid with tha' stunt of yers."

Demoman's voice sounded hard but there was a small crack of fear laced in. To make him feel a little better, Sniper weakly took a sip. An awkward silence ensued when he finished and he tried to focus once more.

The oxygen mask on his face had been taken off as he came round and he reached up with one hand to rub at his cheek.

"…Made a bit of a fuss, didn't I?"

Nobody replied to this and Sniper felt the beginnings of pressure rising up in his chest. He hated moments like this – he was never any good at them, so why did people expect him to indulge their curiosity?

"Look, can you just all…I'm not - !"

Warm arms wrapped around him and he froze, his body stiff and aching.

"You deserved better than what you got and I'm sorry. I had no idea they were going to snipe you like zat."

Sniper looked up into Medic's lined face, into the summer-kind eyes and felt hot tears start to roll down his face. Explanations could wait until later; he was too tired to keep holding himself up.

He needed to rest.

* * *

><p>I hope this was okay! I've finally updated another chapter and I wish everyone a Happy New Year! Hope your Christmas was awesome.<p>

Love Lily. X


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